For men on dating sites. A woman recently posted on here that it makes her uncomfortable when men message her for the first time and say hey baby, hey sexy, or hey beautiful.
I totally and completely get why it makes her uncomfortable. I have tried to constructively respond to some of the men who disagree with her....to maybe help them understand why a woman may feel it’s derogatory. Needless to say, I’ve been berated by those men to the point of being accused of not enjoying sex (what?!?!).
So men, my question is this, if your very first message to a woman is “hey sexy,” what are your intentions? 1) are you looking for a relationship? 2) just looking for sex? 3) do you actually think that is a compliment? 4) are you aware that women, even model perfect women, have brain and can think and carry on an intellectual conversation?
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54 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I would think that reading her bio and striking up a conversation based on mutual interests would be a better approach? I dunno, I'm hopeless at this stuff.
MrBeelzeebubbles
Level 7
Nov 27, 2018
7
But you have a beard...so you get extra points!
Umm you definitely aren’t hopeless. What you said is spot on! I don’t expect flowery poetry on a first message. But it’s not difficult to say: I see you like music, I too like music.
But we are supposed to be grateful to men for finding us attractive. He meant it as a compliment so we’re just being rude/judgmental/a bitch for not taking it as he wants us to. We don’t we just loosen up and appreciate being objectified? ?
A2Jennifer
Level 8
Nov 26, 2018
7
Tongue in cheek ? Boys will not understand your post
hello
@maturin1919 so, the same reason men think women want unsolicited dick pics.
@A2Jennifer maybe these dickheads want a Hustler labia spread photo in return ?....They objectify themselves clueless they would not like being centerfolds themselves hung up on a greasy mechanic or snow plow shop by aggressive women
I went back to review the back and forth to which you referred. The debates were not worth your time or energy - best to ignore their comments. Sometimes it's best to let people's comments stand on their own to show their ignorance without having to point it out.
Hihi
Level 6
Nov 26, 2018
5
Yeah, I tend to get sucked into that crap hoping to tactfully educate people. Obviously I haven’t learned from experience yet
Hihi:
@Marcie1974 lol I get it
hello
helo
So very true...but tell me I have a beautiful mind and I'll swoon.
Amzungu
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
5
One of the best compliments a guy gave me was that he thought I was really smart. Part of it was the look on his face when he said it. Definitely swoon-worthy
I tried to cast you in my movie remake A BEAUTIFUL MIND with other reparte'
I fully agree with you.
For men to use those terms (particularly with people they aren't yet familiar) is both objectifying and infantalizing. Whether they are aware of this dynamic or not, it emphasizes and attempts to solidify the power dynamic where he has more power than her.
Far better to use names.
Shelter68
Level 4
Nov 27, 2018
4
Addressing a woman this way is similar enough to catcalls from a construction worker as we walk along the street. I would feel much more positive about a man who simply states that he found my profile bio interesting. It's already obvious that he wasn't turned off by my picture if he's bothering to message me, so it'd be nicer to be told that my appearance isn't the only value he sees in me.
Deb57
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
6
Well said
Just because the men on this site are non believers who supposedly think for themselves, and hopefully more evolved, it doesn't mean that there aren't some classless macho idiots among them. Not everyone knows how to speak and address a lady. Sorry for what they said to you.
noworry28
Level 8
Nov 26, 2018
6
You are my new hero!!
Sad...! The fact that they can’t see that you are trying to improve their chances by changing their approach is even sadder!! Some men are just Neanderthals.
Marionville
Level 10
Nov 27, 2018
5
On the flip side, what was the best "first message" you recieved?
larrydotcom
Level 4
Nov 27, 2018
5
My current SO first messaged me with only the intent to be friends. We got to really know and value one another before we got involved and it's a much better way to start a relationship imo. We honestly like one another and enjoy time together and it's the most positive relationship I've had.
My takeaway here is that getting to know someone well before sex comes into play makes for a happier relationship.
Great question! I don’t remember verbatim but just something referencing either books/reading or music.
I assume that some women don’t actually write anything? Or at least I know a lot of men don’t. It’s difficult to write a first message then, especially if their pictures don’t make it obvious what their interests are. On the flip side, I’ve seen profiles that are a dozen long paragraphs. I don’t mean to sound overly picky but seriously, it’s not difficult to list a couple hobbies and maybe say what you’re looking for.
I don't use that online in text, but have actually had women in dating chats start out with that. I would ask do you think all they are being derogatory and objectifying me as a man with that? Probably not, but welcome to the double standard world of dating. Also, when I first started dating, I would pour over the pics and read every part of the bio, write up a thoughtful first text and spend 30 min on trying to get some stranger, who is probably getting 20-30 texts a day to notice me in all the noise.
NOTE - the following YOU isn't directed at you personally, it's toward any woman online Im interacting with - so please don't take it as a personal attack
Now I typically send a "Hey, nice pics and profile. How are you doing?" I still read the profiles, and typically won't respond to just pics w/o something interesting to me that's telling about them in the bio, but I don't waste near as much time on complete strangers whom may not be interested nor even remotely interesting! Having nothing beyond a good pic that's possibly 5-10 years old and some chip on the shoulder bio isn't enough to get me excited about you. I put effort in my pics and bio so you can read about me and get a sense of who I am, but I don't expect you (nor want you) to get all wrapped up in me from just online interaction. I'm a pretty awesome person IMO, and you might be also, but I only put in as much work as I feel the woman is willing to put in towards me. Your vagina doesn't make you special IMO, and if you put off a vibe that I should think you are just b/c you have one...sorry, I got better things to do with my hands than typing to you (like playing guitar - get your mind out of the gutter pervie 
) !!! 
jondspen
Level 7
Nov 27, 2018
4
@CoastRiderBill Ehhh...I will give them a sentence or two to get things going, but if the text conversation is boring or bland, I lose interest quick. I know there are women that have had bad, and even scary, interactions with people online, so I try to keep my judgements in check. Maybe they are just shy, bad communicators online, bad experience with a stalker, etc. I agree though...I will cut some slack, but if it looks like I have to coddle their fragile emotions before even meeting on a first date...I'm out. We all have baggage, but at this point in the interaction I'm not willing to carry her's for her.
I get that men deal with stupid crap in dating sites as well. I wasn’t trying to downplay that, I was responding to someone else’s post and the derogatory comments a few men made.
If a guy has very little or no info on his profile, I’ll send him almost exactly the same message you stated.
I think what is so frustrating for women (again, I understand men have their things they have to deal with), is being seen as just body parts by some men.
@daylily How did I blame the vagina? I said the vagina doesn't automatically make someone special...and yes, I have dated and been told first hand stories about women who seem to think this. So you are saying that I am wrong that there are women who go on first dates and think they should be pandered to like a princess, just b/c they are a woman? That's odd...b/c I know guys that think they are superior b/c they have a penis, and in fact, see the same comments from women on here about men in general (not just a sub-group of grade A a-holes).
@Marcie1974 Sure...I absolutely get that...and realize that for many women, that may be the majority of online interactions. I'm not saying I don't stereotype women based on their profile or pics, I am just stating that one or two initial sentences shouldn't be a deal breaker. None of us should allow ourselves to get that jaded, myself included, which is why I take a break when I start to slide towards the dark side. I know you only get one chance to make a first impression, so it's important to try and do well. But dating sucks exponentially as you get older, and we should try and cut each other some slack. It's suppose to be somewhat fun and exciting after all...
Hi 'Miracle' (still need my specs on). I completely agree. Its creepy and weird.
Amisja
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
4
'Hi Jayne (that's me btw), I am interested in your bio, especially what about paleo-anthropology interests you the most and how has this informed your agnostic views?'
Oh my gosh I’m so tempted to change my name!! Lol
@Marcie1974 you need to Miracle 
hello
Nicely put!
Guys, Ask yourself: Exactly how many actual dates do those whistling construction workers get?...be one, get Nothing!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Nov 26, 2018
5
Good point!
hello
At first contact I think a woman would be more open and receptive is she felt respected and safe. I think a good opening line would be something funny to get a laugh. But I'm no comedian so I just try to convey an interest in her (what she thinks or what she is interested in).
dare2dream
Level 7
Nov 27, 2018
5
Aggy:
I think you have the right idea. It's better than "hi baby, you are so sexy, I want to hold you tight." lol
And please do not immediately ask for a cell number, and email addy, etc. Women, if they do ask this, expect the requisite dick pic when you do give the info. It's the male equivalent of a cat bringing you a dead bird....guys? Just don't do this, please!!!! Or be offended that we're offended if you do.
Larimar
Level 8
Nov 30, 2018
4
Boys are obsessed with penis erections and prEying for vagina time. ....real MEN want private space to communicate. ....sorry there are so few of us men and so many boys wanting to penetrate
@GreenAtheist And men are visual. The problem is that many men do not realize or maybe remember that women are not. A man that can pique my interest is one that presents challenging ideas and great conversation. Engage the mind and the body follows in a hurry.
@Larimar I must be a woman trapped in a manly body. ...I always read the Playboy articles the centerfolds stolen or sold by my brothers
Friends: Joey Tribbiani's main intro was, "How ya doin'?"
JacarC
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
3
exactly!
SCal:
Ive heard some women do not like a terse approach and require more just to get a response.
On the flip side; Its tough for us because its a numbers game. Most messages go without response or even being read.
Im certain that there is a middle ground.
@Marcie1974 . . .and he spent most of his time alone.
Really? “Hey, baby?” How embarrassing.
The-Krzyz
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
3
My panties instantly drop eye roll
@Marcie1974 yeah, me too.......
@Marcie1974 . . . I'd like to see that trick.
Those are boys not real men clueless to genuine Feminist Atheism here. ...thank you for trying to teach the boys basic respect and NON-objectification. ...the boys would change and grow into sensitive men if girls would stop choosing them for their looks. ...growth is introspective NOT INTERACTIVE
GreenAtheist
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
2
I need to learn that some people are not interested in learning basic respect (especially from a woman) and to just move on.
@Marcie1974 proud of you searching for complete understanding. ...shows true leadership serving others. ...you are already wise....you're not needy instead you're a giver not taking
Seems like a good way to weed out the rif raf! Dating apps seem to be a lot different in experience from men to women! I have hard time finding matches, i talk to my sister, and she is overrun with suitors! Me! Not at all, one a week would be good! Why is that!!??
AArealist
Level 4
Nov 27, 2018
3
Aggy:
I am on a dating site. I don't get that many hits either. One a week maybe two if I'm lucky.
What is your sister's screen name again?
I never send messages like that but I know lots of guys do. They are just playing a numbers game and sending out the same message to lots of women. Like a horoscope it is something that might apply to and possible appeal to anyone.
Women do similar things. I usually put something in my profile saying, "If you'd like to reach out to me, please write at least three sentences that show me that you actually read my profile. If you do that I promise to respond."
shockwaverider
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
2
There are as many stooopid, ignorant, incompetent, boorish men as there are women.
JacarC
Level 8
Nov 27, 2018
2
yes, and I don't mean to ignore what you men must deal with....but I only know the female side of it.
@Marcie1974 . . . yeah. But you are not stoopid, ignorant, nor incompetent. So, you cannot speak for all those who are.
Enjoy being online again!
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