I will always love my children unconditionally, no matter how much I may detest their behaviour or if they brought me shame. I may not always 'like' them but they can be sure I will always love them.

@MsDemeanour Parents should love their children but that does not give children a license to abuse their parents, as ends up happening startlingly often with older parents of adult children. Here the issue is not love, but healthy, clearly stated and enforced interpersonal boundaries. The hardest thing some parents have to do is to enforce those boundaries even though because of the child's reaction it means effectively losing the relationship and all positive contact. But a child is done no favors if allowed to be abusive. My wife is in that situation with her daughter, who, were she to be professionally diagnosed, would I am pretty sure would be said to have borderline personality disorder. Recently the daughter escalated from gaslighting / splitting behavior and general emotional lability, to physical violence, and that's where the line had to be drawn until such time as she's willing to get professional help. My wife is devastated, but has no choice. These things happen, unfortunately, in relationships -- you do all the right things you know to do, you do nothing substantive that's harmful or wrong, and the results can still be terrible.

@mordant Borderline Personality disorder is possibly the hardest disorder to treat. I feel your pain. Unfortunately the trauma this girl has experienced as a child has damaged her. No matter how much your wife must protect and distance herself, I am sure she still loves her girl. Yes your situation is very different.
When I spoke of unconditional love, it was a healthy love. My children, despite losing their father at a very young age had a very stable and loving upbringing. They were secure in my love but there was discipline because I felt a responsibility to role model and teach values and boundaries. The result has been 4 admirable young men I am very proud of. I realise I am very lucky BUT I did put my own life on hold when I raised them. I put them before anything and anyone, including myself. Now my life is my own and I am very happy to reclaim my life and perhaps be lucky enough to have a relationship one day.

@MsDemeanour We wrack our brains for what trauma she experienced as a child. She's less then 2 years separated from her brother who turned out to have great character and to be a respectful and kind son. In fact he has begun working for me and he's already one of the best subcontractors I've ever had. Same parents, same experiences.

What defines BPD is a terror of abandonment and it doesn't have to be rational or founded on anything. A friend of mine from a larger family of 5 had one sibling that was the odd one out like that too, same childhood experience but completely different perceptions of it. She went on to murder her ex husband and his wife and has a life sentence to show for it.

BPD and NPD and sociopathy are like that; they can reflect childhood experiences or even bad parenting, but they don't have to and actually, since the 1990s the mental health care field has gotten away from the assumption that it's the parent's fault, as it's actually more often than not wrong, particularly when the parents are concerned and want to participate in the treatment process.

Anyway I am genuinely happy for your four sons. My mother raised four boys, too, of which I am the last, and I understand and appreciate the sacrifices she and my father made for us. I think she felt that gratitude from all four of us before her passing. I feel so madly for Mrs Mordant, whose "prodigal" may never return. But ... sometimes it happens, as in life, there are no guarantees.

I love oysters unconditionally!

@MissKathleen Loving unconditionally also means that if your husband molested your son you would continue to love him. CAn you agree to that?