Wonderful thread. I am so happy A.C exists. We get to explore real life without all the insane FB crap.

Thank you all for being here.

I am not convinced that the 'discovery period' ever ends.

I think you hit the nail on the head regarding impatience. If you're looking for a serious partner that can't be rushed. A casual connection or even a friendship may develop rather quickly, but that's a different story... I think impatience comes up because so many of us want connection so badly, or we're not aware of our attachment style or the experiences that have shaped our feelings about ourselves or our relationships... For me, I know I can connect very deeply, so it can break my heart if something doesn't work out. I used to spiral into a funk over that, so I stayed away from relationships. But now I'm learning it's okay whatever I'm feeling, that I own it and can get through it and move on. I'm also learning that it's okay if things take time or don't work out. It's a hard lesson.

A few thoughts on your narrative and some replies.

"In order to find myself in another loving, monogamous relationship again, I must put myself out there and meet new people." Increasing your sample size never hurts. Not only is social circulation good for finding a mate, it's good for finding any manner of friend or acquaintance. Few things are better for humans than some trusty friends.

Your "explore and discover phase" is an excellent idea, and this is a pretty good place to start. Seems as though many folks on here are interested in establishing rapport and revealing who they are and what they think matters. Dialogue is critical, so let the messages fly! And if meeting in person for a brief time is feasible, maybe arrange a "zero date." There's a link to a TED talk by the originator of the "zero date," at the end of my comment, it's informative and funny.

The best answer to "what if there's not enough compatibility?" is to find out as soon as possible. Preferably, while you are still in exploration mode. Even if there's still some drama, hopefully a little detachment can blunt the impact.

If "some folks are too impatient," an extended correspondence might give you time to detect their impatience and might taper your contacts with them until they look elsewhere. Because impatient seems like something that is a dealbreaker for you. You are obviously patient, cautious, and take your time letting things develop. That's one of the advantages of our age, we've had a chance to learn what works for us and how long it takes to develop.

I also really like BigPawBullets' commentary on a military style failure analysis. Love them or not, the military's failures are truly life and death so their failure analysis technique is worth considering.

URL:

[ted.com]

A Better Approach to Dating (for me)

I found meeting lots of men a jarring experience. Through online dating I have met 100-120 different men. Seventy-five percent of the men pushed for sex on the first date.

I have reached the point where I am surprised when a man looks like his photos. Over 80 percent of the men posted old photos, and lied about their age, weight and/or height. It was shocking.

Two years ago, I decided to slow this freight train down. I decided to spend more time with one person once he met my basic screening.

I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking. Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves the magic words: "Dinner is served."

I found well educated men are better conversationalists and more interested in art, literature and other cultures. By spending more time together, I knew the person better and we kept building rapport. I discovered things about them that were not initially apparent. We developed more inside jokes and just generally get along better, because we were familiar.

Now I feel much better. Instead of trying to date so many different people and getting stressed out, I was really getting to know individuals and having a better time.

In most cases, a new person's unique traits and values are difficult to recognize, let alone appreciate, in an initial encounter. There are just too many things going through our minds to fully take in what makes that person special and interesting.

Unless you try dating someone from this site, nobody here is ever going to know who you're talking about if you do bash them on here, unless you name them by username. From what I read on here, very few people on this site ever find anyone from here to date. So I don't see all the reason for concern about someone here venting about how they were treated by someone else in the dating game. People who post on here about those experiences are simply wanting to vent and maybe get some advice or feedback from others who have maybe been there. And there's a legit reason for that, because, in my experience, if you try doing all your venting and advice seeking offline with friends who are married and unable to be of much help or empathize, having been out of the game for so long, they will quickly grow tired of listening to you about it.

I believe in honesty. If it's going great, let them know it; once you realize it's not going to work out, be an adult and let them know it. Tactfully in both cases, of course.

And my relationships are private, especially if they end, and even if I don't end them. I wouldn't want someone taking our private stuff public, and I won't do it to anyone else.

Hell, even back in HS when I was basically a man-whore, I would let a girl know if I was more interested in a hookup or something more. You'd be surprised how many were - but the ones who were wanting more were appreciative too. I just couldn't in good conscience lead a girl on just to sleep with her then dump her. I had to be able to look at myself in the mirror.

Everyone needs to watch "Full Disclosure." 17 minutes of interestingness...

"Yet, people become angry. They rant and rave on open posts, ignoring privacy. Feeling jilted is a powerful thing "

imo if someone is feeling jilted after you told them your not interested in dating them anymore..
1.) You did not set proper boundaries and expectations. Maybe not your fault but they assumed something about the relationship.
Or 2.) They are a bit crazy or stupid (and the more you date , you will get better at weeding those ones out sooner..

"THIS type of reaction, encountered too often, could be tragic to one’s spirit ☹"

I think this is an insightful statement. And it may hold a clue to the solution.
Some non-theists seem to feel "spirit" is a dirty word, but I trust you knew what you meant when you used that word. And that "thing" you were talking about is something we all have, and value, but all too often, we settle for whatever is left over after all "practical" concerns are taken care of.

I suspect if we were to design our every action around maximizing that "thing"...
things might turn out better. Not suggesting you have failed to do that - just musing on an obtuse point. I don't know the answer. My instinct is to just go slow and be careful.
Best to you.

I wish I could come up with something useful here but...... and that's being me

Sue!
You're in a life crisis right now. Whatever your emotional state is, this is quite a "rite of passage" for you. May I suggest a time of reflection might be appropriate. Jumping immediately into "dating" may not be the best strategy.
So, I'll go "military approach" on you here.
Still reading? Impressive. You've an open mind.

The mission was unsuccessful, for whatever reasons.
First thing to do is an "after action" report.
What went wrong, why did it go wrong.
Then, the "lessons learned" list to be addressed.
Followed by the "checklist update", or, what I need to do different next time.
Finally, the "safety briefing". This is addressing specifically what needs to change and why.
None of this stuff, if you choose to think about your situation this way, needs to be published on this forum. Just a method of analysis for you to consider. But maybe take some time off to be just yourself. You've friends and a community here.

These days "dating" is not for the weak or timid, it seems. You didn't even touch on the scams and frauds out there too.

Similar to you i crave a partner, presence. And finding like minds and hearts had not been easy. Hang in there!!

I can't imagine bashing a partner or a potential partner in any media . Besides to the ears of my best friends , and around a table w coffee or a drink , I can't honestly imagine that the rest of world will need to know this / that / and the other when it comes to my bedroom and my dating life . If things don't work out for whatever reason in a new potential relationship , going to web sites trashing people for their decisions is just abcense of brains . And abcense of class .