i have just received an annoying email from the universal life church, congratulating me on my five-year anniversary of becoming an ordained minister. i never did any such thing. i've never been christian. i've been an atheist for my whole adult life and half my teen years too. i was raised as a secular jew. there is no way in the proverbial hell i would be interested in becoming an ordained minister. they have my entire name right, including my whole middle name (i always use my initial) and my correct email address, and i have no idea how they got the idea i was affiliated with them in any way. the email reads:

Hello Rev. Gail,

Another year, another cheer! That's right, it's now been 5 years since you became an ordained minister! We can't believe it either. Time really does fly when you are having fun, doesn't it? It's been a while since we've been in touch, and we just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Have you been taking full advantage of your status as a legally ordained minister?

Rev Gail Ordination Certificate

No matter what activities you might have planned moving forward, we've worked hard to ensure that our site is stocked with all of the information and supplies that you may need to meet any challenge that comes your way and continue your mission to make the universe a better place. We would encourage you to click around the site and explore all of the resources that are available to you.

Get Yours Today!

That said, chances are you're already an old pro at this. Indeed, you've probably officiated your fair share of ceremonies by this point, but are you doing so in full regalia? If you'd like to add a bit of flair to your clergy outfit, consider picking up an official ULC stole! Our stoles feature tasteful gold stitching, high-quality tassels, and are available in a range of color options.

We've been hard at work over the past year, so we also thought we'd reach out and update you on some of the resources and materials that have been added to our site. In addition to exciting new apparel options now available in our catalog, we've also created some specific pages to help you navigate the world of weddings and find success as a marriage officiant. Check them out!

If it's been a while since you last connected with us on social media, then let's get back in touch! By using #ordained and sharing photos or memories of your experiences, we're able to follow all the exciting projects undertaken by ministers like you. Seeing your wonderful stories motivates us to keep getting better each day, so please don't be bashful!

We're thrilled to be able to offer guidance and assistance as you continue on the road ahead. We strongly believe that change comes from the ground up, and by providing support to influential individuals such as yourself, we're confident that tangible improvements can be made to this incredible planet we inhabit. Remember: we are all children of the same universe.

Peace,

Brother Thomas

You are receiving this message because you became ordained through the Universal Life Church. If you wish to be removed from these emails you can unsubscribe here.

that's it except for the links to all the crap they want me to buy from them.

i wrote what i felt was a fairly restrained but direct response telling them how mistaken they are and how annoyed i am. they sent me an automatic email response:

A representative will follow-up with you as soon as possible.
Our office hours are Monday-Friday, 9am to 5pm, Pacific Time.

Please reference which one of our websites you use to log into your account.
themonastery.org | getordained.org | ulc.org

If you wish to send additional comments or information regarding this issue, simply reply to this e-mail.

Support Team

Universal Life Church Ministries

i can't WAIT.

g