Get some professional help. It is available in Canada.

I have Bipolar disorder mixed state. Its a real PITA to deal with. I am constantly filled withs self doubt, and low self esteem. Add to that a mania that runs as the same time it ripps my emotions in two. Cannabis has helped me though.

Most of my adult life and I am 60. What would you like to know? Mine got worse during my late wife's dementia and then even worse the longer I was widowed, having no luck with online dating, and getting less support from friends than I received when my wife was alive and suffering dementia. Having little hope now about ever having someone to date or be a partner with is the main thing making it so bad right now. Also, during this decade, I developed a heart condition, lost my mother, and am about to lose my father. So in the last nine years or so, my stressors have been off the charts. Yours sounds like a combo of brain damage, social isolation, and employment struggles. Hope you are able to find help for all those areas of causation and stress.

Me

Clinical depression is an illness which needs to be diagnosed and treated by a medical practitioner. Have you been diagnosed as clinically depressed? It sounds to me more as if you have a low level depression related to social problems. Have you considered that you might be on the autism spectrum? Since you live in Canada you should have access to good medical care without too much problem. Getting a proper diagnosis and help could lead to a much happier and fulfilling life! We want to help on this site but I don't think many of us are medical professionals .

I ask this question not to make fun but to learn...my depression began in the 90s after my car accident. My mom was dead, I lacked the ability to make friends, I had to re learn everything to try to fit in (paying attention, looking at the speaker while they speak etc). And then when I went to high school I had very few friends, my social life was very little and I went into my imagination for friends. I graduated I had very little in the way of proper social skills (my ss was basically that of a child, which is why I post odd sometimes insulting things, though that is not their intent). I'm 40 now, and despite obtaining a bachelors degree in kinesiology my only job I got after my degree was as a warehouse employee...so that's my depression story.

I was depressed all through my childhood. A a teen I left my parents religion and things gradually improved.

Fairly frequent

Just about every day. And now I'm running out of meds because I lost my health insurance.

My gregarious, bipolar brother is a genius with a photographic memory. Lee tried committing suicide three times; the first time at age 16.

Lee refuses medication. "I'm so smart, I can figure out my problems," he boasted.

My mother's fear was burying Lee next to my father.

Yes, diagnosed about 15 years ago. I used to believe it was something you can shake of with positive thinking but mine (and I think most) is chemical. Meds work for me, 1 x 50mg Zoloft a day keeps Churchill’s black dog at bay.

I'd say most of us. I suspect a lot of depression stems from clashing gender hormones and since so many agnostics are high IQ, and studies show that most creative, high IQ people are androgynous, there are a lot of mixed gender hormones involved.

I'm a partial transmale and have always had a high testosterone level, despite being a bio female. Growing up, I felt out of sync with female gender expectations, bewildered, trying to act my part by observation of my cis female relatives and friends.

When I reached puberty, when female hormones ramped up, the ensuing hormone clash caused painful feelings of loneliness and depression. I was able to brush it off by staying busy with my horses and fun activities, I was popular and had a happy life, but at menopause, when my female hormone levels dropped, I started having panic attacks and feeling depressed, so took supplemental herbs to balance my hormones.

These days, I take 5-htp, cho-wa tea, and derris scandens, and take early morning walks, which I used to do to stop depression. But since I got cancer, I also take cannabis oil and CBD oil to treat it, and since both of them balance hormones, I don't really need anything else for mood stabilization.

my first hand experience I was 10 I think and it was at my dad's house over his weekend. I left the mess on one of his guest bedroom pillows. it made me feel good though. I wasn't depressed from it.