I am really trying, but it's not easy. Losing both parents and my wife in the space of several years is off the charts for stress level, especially when I also moved a few times also within the last decade. Another reason I am not moving again for a while, even tho some people on this site think I should do so to improve my chances of finding another woman who is a fellow hipster to date and share my life with.

@TomMcGiverin sent you a pm.

Thanks, but I really doubt things will change with my siblings. They are very different people than me and I will not accept being seen by them or treated by them as inferior or less than. I have worked long and hard to achieve the level of self-esteem and self-respect that I have gained in my adult life. I will not give it away just to settle for the illusion of family connection and relationship with them, tho I know that very few women in the dating world (especially here in Iowa where family is everything with most people and the women are almost all very family-oriented) will accept that as healthy and ok unless they have experienced the same as me in their family, rather than blaming me and assuming that I am defective and unhealthy, unable to do relationships, etc. But they will either give me credit that I can because of my successful marriage or they won't. I can't control their prejudice and judgement, but maybe someone open-minded or similar to me will meet and accept me.

Either way, I can only do authentic relationships these days, whether with family, friends, or a dating partner. I am too old and tired of the bullshit to do anything else or settle for less. I accepted and got more involved with my father because I knew his life was nearing the end and so did he, so the balance of power between him and me was shifting and both of us knew it, as often happens between aging parents and their adult kids. He knew he needed me more now and as a result he began to treat me with more respect and as an equal, which made it much easier for me to be involved with him. That power shift in the relationship has not happened between my siblings and me, and I doubt it will happen in the forseeable future. They don't need me in their lives and I don't want them in my life on their terms. That would not be healthy or worth it for me.

I did it for him as well as for me, because I knew he needed me in his life and because I am grateful for the positive things he did for me in my life. I also did not want to feel guilty after he died. I do not have the same situation with my siblings, nor do they need me in their lives. They also have done very little in the way of positive things for me as an adult, (and also not that much as kids either) so I will not feel any guilt about my estrangement from them should they die before me. I know that sounds cold, but it's the reality and truth of my situation.

You take the words right out of my mouth! I have said for a long time that my longtime friends have really replaced my family for most of my adult life and most people here in Iowa, where family and kids are everything and few people will trust and like you, besides my friends, if you don't bow to and buy into that. Being Agnostic, a hipster, childless by choice, a non-drinker, hating country music, and a socialist, you are familiar enough to see why I got very lucky to have met my late wife and how trying to date here in Iowa at my age is a fucking nightmare. No wonder I need a therapist, with that along with my late wife's dementia and death. I'm glad I have this site because where I live almost nobody but my friends and people on this site seem to get it and understand my situation. I am very much an outsider where I live.

I really wish I had more strength or didn't need my friends so badly, or I would just leave my area for somewhere better for someone offbeat like me and start over, but I'm afraid that if I did that or tried LD dating for a while with someone and it didn't work out, that, like you with your family drama around your father's death, that it might do me in, at least mentally, if either LD dating or moving somewhere better for a better dating pool, didn't work out.

Thanks Wayne, I relate....

I really have had little to no contact with my siblings during most of my adult life as they have not been very understanding, accepting or supportive, for a few different reasons. I have only been in contact with them in recent years around the health and welfare of both my parents. My friends are my family and my emotional support, and have been for most of my adult life. That is why I am not willing and able to move away to a more hip place to find another partner or someone to date as a widower. Because I need my friends here too much to cope with things. I am stuck with the local dating pool as it is, like it or not. And that future looks pretty hopeless for an aged hipster like me.

@TomMcGiverin yes it’s not easy to move away from one’s support group. You need to start loving yourself instead of looking for that special someone who is going to “make “ you complete.

@Jolanta With all due respect, I think that is a glib cliche. I love myself just fine, and did at the time my wife died. I just am tired of being alone since 2015, while she was still alive but had already lost her personality and most of her mental functioning. My feeling unhappy is more about all the frustration and disappointment from the rejection of online dating, mostly by women who are divorced, (and likely have more issues or deficits than me around doing relationships well and emotional intimacy) the lack of being given a fair chance to have another relationship, along with not wanting to spend the rest of my life alone when I have already been alone for several years for the most part. And realize very well that I may only have another 15-20 years left.

I was alone until I was 37 and it did not lead me into a bad relationship. It ended with me meeting my wife. I do not want to be on my own for a similar period of time, not that I am going to settle either, for someone who is not compatible. Some people do fine alone, others thrive with a partner. It does not mean that the latter group are all defective, overly-needy, or fail to "love themselves" enough. I get really sick of that smug, judgemental attitude so often displayed on these boards towards those who are emotionally capable of having a relationship again, but justifiably frustrated by the lack of success in finding one.

@TomMcGiverin Sorry that you haven’t been able to find a partner and what can I say when you think I am being glib. I don’t mean to, just speaking from experience. Do you know that the happiest people are married men and the most unhappy are married women, so there is a reason for why women who are either divorced or widowed don’t want another relationship. I myself find that men of a certain age want someone to look after them or that they want a “best friend “. Most women already have friends and don’t want to be a crutch for men.

@Jolanta If marriage or an LTR partnership don't involve being each other's best friend and also looking after them or caring for them when they are sick-because that often begins to happen at least some of the time after you get to my age (whether you are male or female), then what are relationships supposed to be then at my age? Just about sex, some companionship and a business relationship?

@TomMcGiverin I don’t think you understand what I am saying.

@Jolanta Yes, I have heard of the studies on happiness of married men and women. Yes, I understand why many women who are divorced and widowed no longer want another relationship, but if so, what are they doing on paid dating sites if they feel that way? Or are you just talking about those groups of women in general? If they feel that way, they shouldn't be on those sites. I am certainly not looking for a crutch and I already have friends. I want more than that with someone. I think I understand you, I just don't agree.

@TomMcGiverin I think some people are just optimists and think that with someone else it is going to be different. He/she will be the one that they have waited for all their lives and they are going to make them complete, he, he. Well that does happen but mostly in movies. Gosh I am such a cynic he, he, but a happy one.

@Jolanta I am most certainly not an optimist about most things and that probably works against me in the dating game. I am very cynical about how the world really works and what can be expected of most people. But I am also still pretty romantic about what a relationship can be with a compatible partner and how I would like to treat a woman. Maybe those last parts are where I fit your type that is looking for too much in a relationship. Maybe, maybe not. I have long ago wised up that real life is not like the movies where women always fall for the nice guy at the end even if he's not as attractive physically as the bad boy, etc. Online dating, as well as real life dating before the internet, has taught me plenty about how looks matter way more than character in the early part of attraction, no matter how much in the movies and online women complain about how there aren't nice guys, most men are just after sex, lie, play games, etc. Of course they want a nice guy with good character, but only if he is at least a 7. Of course, as Sticks, says, it goes both ways..........

@TomMcGiverin It certainly does. I wish you all the luck in the dating department my friend.