[HUMOR / SATIRE]

The New Presidential Pagent Competition (Replacing the old broken political election system)

Our current selection process for President obviously no longer works. Each time one is elected or re-elected, we start out hardly knowing the real person and then, once the new administration starts, we begin to gradually and progressively dislike the new leader, as we become increasingly familiar with who that person really is.

Probably, the most objectionable aspect of our current selection process is the fact that by the time most of us start paying any attention to the new election, we only have two candidates to decide from. The process is broken, therefore, we need to change it. And I have a proposal...

First, lets get rid of the long drawn out months of random freestyle campaigning all over the country as well as all those irritating and repetetive advertisements... BAN THE ADVERTISEMENTS.

Second, get rid of the primaries. In each state, let the party leaders come together to select their one best person they would all be willing to work with in the office of President of the United States. Then, each state will prepare and practice their candidate privately, and we don't have to suffer through any of it.

Third, on election night, 50 candidates (one from each state) will assemble together to give their best shot to lead the country according to the final voting tabulation at the end of the Presidential Pagent Competition that will all take place in Atlantic City, NJ.

There will be five areas of competition. The total score breaks down into one-third speaking ability, one-third talent, and one-third modeling and poise.

The same panel of five judges will score each area of competition. Each contestant is scored individually, not comparatively. Each competitor is scored immediately after each phase of competition. The Olympic Scoring System is used. Scores are 1-10, whole numbers only. The high and low scores are dropped.

In all phases of competition the judges are instructed to evaluate candidates by asking themselves these questions.

1. Does this candidate possess the qualities and attributes of America?

2. Can this candidate do the job?

3. Will this candidate be difficult to work with once they have the job?

And thus, the new President shall be elected... just like Miss America.

Consider the details of this process below...

1. TALENT
   Talent is 35% of the total score. The time limit for is ninety seconds. Music needs to be on CD. The contestant must begin and finish onstage. No live animals or dangerous props (fire batons or swords) are allowed. All props must be functional and an integral part of the talent. When choosing your talent music and content keep in mind the values and image of America.

The judges are looking for: overall first impression, interpretive ability, technical skill, stage presence, totality of all elements including costume, music, and choreography, quality of the performance, and entertainment value.

2. PRIVATE INTERVIEW
   The interview will be conducted during the day of the pageant. It is 25% of the total score. Candidates wardrobe selection should be age appropriate and could be pants, skirt or dress. Candidates should choose something they would wear for a job interview. Each candidate will be introduced as they enter the room and will speak from a podium. The nine and one half minute interview will begin immediately. When the time has elapsed the candidate will be offered a chance to clarify anything or make a closing statement of up to 30 seconds. Questions are on general topics, current events, items from their resume and platform essay. This is the candidates opportunity to let the judges get to know you. The judging will emphasize the candidates poise in handling the questions and how well they articulate their beliefs on the issue, not the position they take.

The judges are looking for: overall first impression, qualities and attributes of America, positive role model, knowledge and understanding of platform, ability to fulfill job responsibilities, confident and commanding presence, personality, appearance and attractiveness, validated opinions and responses, ability to express feelings and defend beliefs, energy, intelligence, and communication skills (speech, vocabulary, and grammar).

3. EVENING WEAR
   This phase is 20% of the total score. The candidate's entire look (not the price of the outfit) and stage presence is taken into consideration.

The judges are looking for: overall first impression, sense of confidence, walk, posture, carriage and grace, personality, stage presence, sense of attractiveness, and appropriateness of the evening wear.

4. SWIMSUIT
   This area of competition is worth 15%. The swimsuit can be a one or two-piece suit of the candidate's choice. If the candidate’s selection is a two-piece suit, it must have full or moderate rear bottoms. The top must be a full coverage style with straps from front to back or a halter strap. The straps must be permanently attached to the suit, not tied. Remember this is a family oriented show. All swimwear must be approved. The footwear for this competition is sandals or shoes of the candidate's choice. Candidates may not use oil or glitter on their bodies.

The judges are looking for: overall first impression, atractiveness of face and physique, walk, posture, poise and grace, does the suit compliment the candidate wearing it, statement of physical fitness and health, sense of confidence and comfort in the candidates ability to compete in this phase of competition, display of energy, charisma, and expression.

5. ON-STAGE QUESTION
   This area is worth 5%. This question will be on general topics.

The judges are evaluating the candidate's extemporaneous responses to the onstage question, poise, confidence, and comfort level in speaking before a large audience.

FINAL BALLOT
From this 100% the top five finalists will be named.

The top five finalists enter the final round of competition with zero points.

Each judge will rank the top five candidates on a final ballot.

A first place vote is worth ten points, a second place vote is worth five points, a third place vote is worth three points, a fourth place vote is worth two points and a fifth place vote is worth one point.

The high and low scores on the final ballot will NOT be dropped - All judges’ votes will count on the final ballot.

The total of the final ballots alone will determine the outcome of the pageant and the winner of The Office of President of the United States.

There you go America... one great night of family television, the election is over, and we've a competent likeable person in office who can get things done with style and admiration.