My life as an asexual........... (Warning lots of sex mentions)

I was made fun of in school for being grossed out by big breasts and not finding breasts to be sexually attractive. I could only ever really understand what a cute person was and was (Still am) most often baffled at why someone would call someone else sexy, like what exactly is sexy?

I would cry when I got to the point of puberty because I thought a sexual relationship was somehow the magical vista of indications for being wanted, as an autistic that was (Still is) for the most part an outcast, being wanted was something I greatly yearned for. When that misconception broke my interest in sex began vanishing in a haze of confusion over time. When I would think what I had for someone was sexual attraction, it was really just me liking them as a human being and viewing them as a good potential reproductive partner, I was never able to look at someone and just desire them for sex. The closest to that I'd ever get is seeing how someone expressed themselves or enjoyed spending their time and becoming curious about them, but that curiosity rarely ever lead to wanting a relationship or anything with them.

I once dated this college girl named Colleen and during a discussion I mentioned liking the idea of being the one to take another's virginity, when my birthday rolled around she offered her virginity to me but I had an epiphany in that moment, I did not actually want her virginity, I just wanted to feel wanted and deep inside I feared sex being introduced to the relationship as I felt it would blindside me to other means of affections if it was something she required in the relationship (It did). I told her no multiple times but was unable to put into words why as I was just then starting to come to terms with such while not knowing what it meant. In the end she ended up guilt tripping me into accepting the offer of her virginity and over time I felt she made it absolutely clear that sex was something she required for her relationship and as a result I had a hard time feeling loved unless she was willing to have sex with me every so often while deep down inside, the introduction of sex to the relationship was simply a burden, I felt much more wanted before sex was introduced so forcefully. The reality is, not only do I not feel sexual attraction, but sex is just not very enjoyable to me, sure I like the intimacy and closeness of it, but it stops there.

Anyhow Colleen wasn't my first, I've slept with a total of nine women so far, Colleen was the 5th. I went through stages of having sex to feel wanted, having sex because I kept hearing it signified a healthy relationship, having sex because it seemed to be the only way a partner felt they could comfort me, having sex because it was pushed onto me, having sex because sex was provided to me to help me feel wanted by a partner who happened to be polyamorous and then providing it for her because she felt unwanted by her other partner as it hurt me to see her like that, having sex as an attempt to get things I wanted from my partner (She wanted sex but I did not but was willing to trade sex for things I wanted..... this partner ended up breaking into my house after I broke up with her and raping me), having sex to try and enjoy it (Massive failures) or to understand why I did not enjoy it as others did and to build theories on how that could potentially be remedied, having sex to release tension in a partner that refused to masturbate, and then finally at the point I prefer...... having sex for reproduction. All together I can definitely say I've had too much sex, I kinda feel like I betrayed and violated myself in a way, but on the other hand I just did not understand myself enough to understand what was really going on nor did I really self-reflect on things before I left Christianity.

Anyhow I eventually learned that I was in fact asexual, but I was pushed kicking and screaming because being both autistic and an atheist I already knew all too well the despair or being so different and was afraid of learning that there was yet another alien thing about me. The first thing I learned was that wanting offspring of your own did not exempt you from being able to legitimately identify as an asexual, the second thing I learned was that asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and that sexual attraction was the very thing I lacked that made me unable to desire someone for sex.

Anyhow, I've ran into a ton of acephobes and ace erasers. One was a family therapist who disturbingly said "If you don't feel sexually attracted to your wife, where did your son come from?" thus disturbingly signifying that the therapist was a pedophile as she was unable to separate the desire to have children from the desire for sexual pleasure. We reported her and filed a complaint, we were there to see a therapist not because my asexuality was a problem in the relationship (As it is not) but because my wife's mother's actions were (And still are) causing a strain on our finances and relationship, not to mention our mental health. Anyhow another acephobe accused me of expressing sexual attraction to her and "Staring at her breasts" and refused to back down from such after I explained that her necklace was of interest to me.... her and her friends later on spread the claim that I was a homosexual -_-. Anyhow This acephobe was also a trans-gendered person and when I saw how relentlessly she clinged to assaulting me with the accusations that I was sexualizing her I tried to make a point by pretending to refuse to acknowledge her gender identity, well, she then spread the claim that I was a transphobe and was completely unable to see that I was just trying to give a taste of her own medicine as she was refusing to acknowledge my identity and completely ignoring that I was known for selling jewelry in that social group and was also known to have a love for jewelry as a form of individual self-expression. So all the clues were there but apparently now I am seen as a homosexual transphobe who apparently was able to "Fool transgender people into being my friends".

In all honesty, when it comes down to it, allosexuals disgust me as I've seen what they've been able to be motivated into doing by their ability to feel sexual attraction. I feel smothered by what I can only refer to as "Allosexual culture" and unfortunately only have one working means of coping with that smothering feeling I have: To indulge in sexually based humor (Exceptions include humor that normalizes (Or proclaims something of such to be true for everyone) fetishes and/or sexual behavior, paints all of one gender in the same light (Overly Sexist jokes),or fails to paint things of a sexual nature in an absurd light).

In the end I ended up marrying a woman for her companionship and conversation/activity range, I chose a polyamorous female because well, if she wants sex I want her to keep her options open as I just don't enjoy it like she does and well finding an asexual female with her range of conversations and activities that also wants children of her own just seems unrealistically specific.