Hello Agnostics! This is my first post here. It's a little long, but I hope it will help me find people who have had a similar experience. I almost feel as if I was better off before I wrote this, as the writing has brought out some emotions. Anyway, so here goes:

I used to love my mom, with all her flaws. I used to believe that love of family is unconditional. That was before I learned to question certain things about my religious and culturally imposed values. I've come to see that my mom as a bitter, toxic, hateful racist/anti-nonMuslim/otherist, who's number one priority is social status and appearances vs the emotional well-being of her children. She is manipulative. She thrives making drama, and if people in the family (her children or daughter-in-laws) are getting along despite her, she will whisper negative things to each person to stir up ill-will. She has destroyed the relationships between all my siblings. Only my faith made me turn a blind eye to her malicious behavior. I don't have the immorals of faith clouding my judgement anymore (I'm a budding militant atheist now). And now I hate her.

I have shunned her and have not spoken to her for 1.5 years. My sister lectures me "how can you turn your back on your mother? That bond is sacred." And I think about how my mother made the whole extended family ostracize my elder brother because he wanted to marry a woman from another religion. How everyone thinks it's OK when Muslim parents shun their children and cut them off when go "astray". I've seen what would happen if I come out to my mom as an atheist. Even my sister can't handle it and I hardly talk to her now. Somewhere along the way I just stopped giving a fuck about that woman I called mother. I fought for my family's unity for years... but now I just don't care. In my mind she's dead to me. My sister asks "what, you won't even go to her funeral?" And my answer is a cold, "No." Deep down I do want her to be gone from this world asap so we can all move on.

In any case, since I decided I wasn't going to let my mom fuck with me anymore I've been pretty OK since and haven't looked back. Yes, my sister is the one channel I've left open, and she can be very annoying, but I can handle her.

The increased difficulty I do face given my atheism and disconnect from my family is in meeting women who won't assume the worst of me if I shared this aspect of my life with them. It's one thing to have someone like me as a friend, but it is a red flag at least for the women I've met who've been potential significant others. It is probably because I haven't explored or hit if off with anyone outside my own background (Pakistani immigrant, raised in Karachi) that I haven't met more acceptance for my new stance.

I know what I have to do. I know there's other people who are or have gone through the same. I just want to connect with people who understand.