I definitely sensed his prejudice from the statement. My X wife’s Grandfather , I was told by her was racist, so I would never go in his house when we first dated . I would wait outside while she conducted her business. He finally asked me to come in , we had a 20 year friendship before he passed away. He grew up hearing things but had never really had any interaction with Black people before . Racist is a strong word that gets overused in my opinion, because a racist does not limit his beliefs to one race and a racist has no empathy or concern for others . Basically they could care less if those that were unlike them died off or not . If you and this dude are going to keep going out , introduce your kids to his Father and see how it goes down. You will learn a bunch about your boyfriend and his dad real quick . Nothing wrong with saying something about his comments but exposing him to your kids will let you see where things are for sure .

Don't have anything to do with him!! Stay away! It's important to take a stand on racism. When people cover up for a racist change cannot happen.

I couldn't love a racist. I have racist relatives as well as bigoted relatives. I cannot love them. I can be civil when required and avoid them as much as possible. One is an uncle I was very close to into my early twenties. Fortunately, we no longer live in the same state.

Nobody is responsible for anybody else's thinking. It is greatly to your boyfriend's credit that he has grown away from his upbringing, and you can argue with his dad (Bad idea!!!) Or together, privately, laugh/commiserate about him

Race is sociological, not biological. There is only one race with different ethnicities.
I avoid such people as best I can. Your boyfriend has a father but he is not yours. Sometimes you just make it clear that it is not acceptable.

"Can I love a racist?"
Conditionally. Racism is a construct of ignorance. It can fortify malice but it can be cured by education. This depends on the nature of the supposed racist. If the person is receptive to education and doesn't want to be hateful then that person is redeemable. But to hold to tradition or corrupted fellowship reinforces this ignorance and interferes with compassion. Therefore I would be inhibited to enjoy this person's company.

Hatred because of skin color is no different than hating someone because of their eye color or blood type. I decide whether or not to dislike someone based on that someone.

Your boyfriend handled it well. You don't have to do anything. And when his dad meets your sons I guarantee his Dad will soet himself out enough to shut the fuck up around you! I am sure your sons are smart wonderful boys and nothing else matters.

The weirdest things about some racism is the "I didn't mean those XYZ" that is often used to save face. I suspect that could be where you are headed.

My Dad was a lovely man raised with a lot of racism around him.
With a lot "Gees Dad's!" from his kids and explanations of why he shouldn't say certain things - and some logic - he did get better over the years. (He was willing to listen though).

So much better that we were the home the interracial couple first came to - to try out having dinner as a couple with a family before they went home to their own parents.
Same with some gay friends whose parents had rejected them.

We were the house with the understanding parents.

Not saying his Dad would be the same - but it might be worth pursuing. Some of it can just be the company kept throughout a lifetime.

Of course my Mum was never a racist. So there was that factor as well..

Best of luck to you. It had to be awkward as hell. I really wish hate for no reason were entirely behind us.

Maybe next time you bake some cookies you should put something extra in them just for him.

I always thought my former husband's racism was just him being a little tone deaf... until he made the statement "All Lives Matter" and I had to try to explain to him what was entirely screwed up about that. He never did get it, and I got upset and angry and then he got mad at me. That's when I was forced to admit that the racism he had been trying to pretend wasn't racism, actually was.

Wow. But I am not sure whether we can choose whom we love. Neither for Matthew nor for you. Good luck. Sounds like a lot of work.

I'm glad your boyfriend knows his boundaries around his dad. Yes, if it comes up again I would mention something. And have as little to do with him as possible. Sorry you have to deal with this.

You probably won't. You can only stay quiet for so long while someone else is freely speaking their mind about views and ideas you personally disagree with and are offensive to you. At some point, you're gonna feel the need to confront the shit he's spewing. Just try and do it without losing your temper if possible.

The only thing I love about a racist is being able to show them how stupid they are in so many incredible ways. Not that I don't have racist thoughts myself, as it seems everyone does to a degree. But if we as a people did want to not be United and have divisions in the population it makes way more sense to draw class lines rather than racial ones. As I obviously have more in common with those who share similar social economic background to mine and are of a different race than those who share my race and nothing else.

While I think it's fine that your boyfriend acknowledges and addresses his father's racism, don't fool yourself into thinking that if his father ever meets your sons that he is going to make any allowances for them because you're his son's partner. I think that if you're going to continue associating with him, you should be up front and tell him that you have bi-racial sons and that you don't appreciate his comments. Because I can assure you that if your sons were raised in a way that taught them to respect themselves, he will be a big problem then your partner or you will have to choose between a relationship with him or your sons' dignity. I would also caution you about you're partner. Racism is something that is taught in the home by people that supposedly love their children and ingrained into the foundation of personalities.

As far as can someone love a racist, I know I couldn't. I could "care" about what happens to them the same way I care about what happens to any other human being, but "love". I don't think so. I would have to justify having such a feeling towards someone who had such distasteful beliefs and I don't think I would be able to do so. But maybe that's because I'm black and his father's racism would be directed at me if I were around where without a target he apparently can

But just as I can see how someone believes in a god because before they developed critical thinking processes they were told by people they trusted that god's were real, I can see how caring about what happens to someone is the same as loving them, especially given familial ties and positive memories.

On a side note, I read some comments in which people claim that "an education" is some kind of cure to racism. That's a fallacy. Educated people can be just as racist as a person without a degree, it just manifests differently.

Both you and Matthew are strong enough to get through and past this. His father will never change. Accept that and just lead by example. My biracial daughter will be 31 this year. I raised her alone and was disowned by family because of it for about 4 years. I didn’t care and it paid off. Yes they came around but I never forced them and I also didn’t contact them. In the long run it all worked out and it will for the two of you also. Believe me when I say, “I’d rather know someone is a racist then a phony who lies about it.” To me that’s even worse. All the best to you Matthew and your 2 boys.

Wow happy you met someone but his dad is a bigot. Mathew apparently is fine with your sons. Hope you can educate the father. I hate bigots and would have said something right then and there.

This is going to be a continuous point of contention in your relationship. It is possible you can turn BF's dad around one day, but that's likely going to be a long road. So the question becomes - do you love his family enough to work on it? Can you handle racism head on like that, and not let it ruin you? Do you have the emotional durability to put up with a person like this?

It'll be a tough road. I was married to an Asian lady a few years ago and dealt with racism....only one tenth the racism you'll be dealing with, mind you, but even that small amount was difficult. For you it's two choices - persevere, or eject. Neither are easy. I wish you the best of luck on it.

Best wishes on your next encounter, you handled it well and I'm glad the cookies turned out. Try meth the next time.

I was visiting a friend of mine at the home she shared with her boyfriend. The holidays were in full swing, so there were several of the boyfriend's relations visiting as well. One many felt a need to make several racists comments. I never said a word to him, but after each comment, he looked at me and apologized. My friend did not stay in that relationship much longer.

these things can be complex. i would never excuse bigotry, but we all have to draw our own lines on how much we’re willing to take. if you decide you’re too uncomfortable to be around him, your partner should respect that. it can be difficult loving someone like this, but the parent-child relationship is a very strong bond. my own father is very homophobic and transphobic, and i still love him even though i’m trans and gay myself. it’s rocky and hard, but my love for him doesn’t just go away.

I would let your boyfriend sort his dad out. He has more emotional sway over him and seems to be doing a good job.

Saddest thing I've read all day. So sorry for all involved.