My brother died from this pandemic on march 27 at 4:59 PM in Everet Washington. He was 5 years younger than me. I have not been able to grieve. do any of you have ideas to help through this process? Thanks
It appears you lived a good ways from your brother. Did you see each other often? Many things effect the greiving process - the relationship you had with the person, how often you saw one another, cultural aspects, etc. I see that you lived a ways away from your brother, you are in Idaho and he apparently lived in Everett, WA. Did you see each other often or speak to one another often? My experiences with my parents passing happened about 18 years apart. When my mother passed at 57 from breast cancer, my family lived nearby and the grief began almost immediately. Since we knew my mother was ill, I had made of point of visiting her regularly. By the time my father died, my family had moved out of state and I had much less contact with him. We knew he was also ill with pancreatic cancer, but distance prevented any kind of regular visits. The relationship with my father was also quite different than with my mother. When the news came that my father had died, it felt very distant - more like hanging up the phone from a long distant call. It didn't feel as real. Only when I attended his funeral and stayed at his home did it begin to feel he was truly gone and not just away on a trip. It took being in familiar places that he had been to feel his abscence and to begin to feel the loss from his death.
I send you my condolences for the loss of your brother. Circumstances, whatever they may be, are likely responsible for you recognizing your grieving process. Please be considerate with yourself since the stages of grief do not follow a prescribed order. My guess is that you are grieving and not realizing that you are. Denial and anger are stages of the process but may not feel as if they are.
My younger brother died a year ago and I still have not grieved either. When my father died 25 years ago, it took me weeks to grieve.
I get a bit sad or retrospective from time to time but have no real grieving and I wonder why myself
I have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that you are not the only one
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. This virus has unleashed like a hurricane.
Its going to be someone's brother, sister, mother, father, son, daughter, grandparents, friend, neighbour, colleague and the loss is always going to be painful. Speak to the rest of the family for now and draw comfort from each other. Continue the social distancing and stick to lockdown rules even through your grief as we cannot afford more tragedies and the traumatic experience for those left behind. ...and try keep your sanity through this difficult period as I believe the worst for any country is not over yet and we need to be strong. I trust that my message has comforted you in some way. Take care.
You truly have comforted me with your comman sense approach. sometimes the most simple explanation nation has the most value, and is the most productive. Thank you
@Leutrelle you're most welcome. Anytime. Some of us face financial death at this time too. It's a nightmare a lot of us got to wake up from. Either way, dead or alive, we're all victims of this unexpected horror beyond our imagination. Stay strong. Stay safe PS grieving comes in any order. Don't beat yourself up too much. Cry if you must. Much love and sincerity.
Tell us about your brother, the fun times the things you were proud of the things that bugged you. Basically the things that make him real to you.
A brother of mine died some time ago. I mourned for a few days, and then decided to look at the good things in life. As time moved on, I became happier. Time heals all wounds.
I am sorry for your loss. Look forward to what you want in your own life, and know that it's okay to be happy again. It will get better as time goes on.
Also, if you were to die, would you want your family to be permanently sad? I doubt it. Your brother would have liked you to get over his passing, and move on happily toward your own goals.
My heart goes out to you...I am so sorry that your brother has been a victim of this pandemic sweeping the world. You are in shock at present and will feel all the more helpless and bereft for not being able to closely communicate this with friends and family, who in normal times can bring strength and comfort by close human touch and contact. I was suddenly bereaved last year when my elder son took his own life, I can’t imagine how I would have coped without that human contact with others who were grieving too. All I can say is please try to focus on the positives, on the good times you had together and hold those memories dear. Grieving is different for all of us and when the numbness and bewilderment of his death passes you may feel anger, and sadness in waves, tears will come too, and they are a safety valve and shouldn’t be suppressed. Most of all keep well yourself and remember the love.
I hate to hear that your son pass. I am humbled to receive you kindness when you have lost so much more. Please know that I will never forget this most gracious act of kindness.
Sincerely from leu to Marionville
Sorry for your loss.
The only thing that I can suggest is treasure the memories, breathe and keep moving on, this is what he would've wanted.
Grief is natural, we experience and express it in different ways. You don't need to be howling at the moon to grieve.
Don't cut yourself off from those around you, try to enjoy your life as best you can, revel in the company of others and above all hold the memories dear.
Here is what has worked for me:
The reason you are sad (I assume) is because he brought you joy, happiness. You will miss that. When you feel sad, remember the good times and how many you had with him. His being gone is not something you can control, and sadness won't help you. You can control your mind and emotions, and focus on what he did that made you happy.
This is the essence of Stoic philosophy, which you may find useful.
Good luck.
Thank you for your encouraging words. you are the sect nd person to mention stoic philosophy. It makes sense now that I am trying to grieve. Thanks
It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt for a while and it may never stop hurting. It's like a huge weight lands on your shoulders and although it may not go away, you learn to be strong enough to carry it. Try writing a letter of goodbye and take your time doing it. That can help you get stronger. Drugs and alcohol only postpone the pain which you'll eventually have to face anyway but with interest. I lost a brother 2 years ago and I still weep at his loss, when no-one is watching. Most of the time I'm fine. It just sucks. Take care.
I have to confess I have been drinking more. I guess I need two work out more to grieve, and enable me to carry this grief. much appreciated.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's always hard, especially when in these circumstances. I'm starting to give you some encouragement. Life won't stop. You can do anything in his honour. You can start doing something that you like to get comfort there. I'm not comfortable in being specific on this because you're different from me and what works for me might not work for you. Anyway, I hope you find a way to deal with this and I think you can count on the people here. All the best for you!!!
So kind, and rich in heart and empathy. I know many people here may not have you elegence in words, but they share the same heart. Thanks
@Leutrelle, you're welcome.
Sorry,went through this with mom,died on Easter two sisters had a service my other sister and I weren't invited
That's sad.
So very sorry for your loss.
Grief takes many forms for many people. It's surprising to me how so many people
still have expectations about how they, and others, are "supposed" to grieve any loss.
Not everyone cries, and not everyone experiences profound sadness.
Not doing either of those things does NOT mean the person didn't mean a great
deal to you.
Please be gentle with yourself, and do not worry about how you move through
this period. There is A LOT going on right now.
You may (or may not) have your reactions to your brother's death later on, after
this whole pandemic has eased and there is some sense of "normalcy" in your
life again.
It might hit you six months from now, or next year, or not at all.
It's okay if it never does. You are not expected to react according to how anyone
else thinks you should.
Please know I'm available if you need an ear, or a shoulder.
Or just another perspective.
Take care.
I sympathize, and offer my condolences. My son passed away on April 3rd, not from COVID, but still the family is unable to grieve in any normal way. We have decided to plant trees in his honor, so at least something living can take root and grow. I wish I had more to offer at this time. I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not so sure anyone can help you with the grieving process. Grieving is different for each individual. I always despised when people would tell me that "it gets better with time". It hasn't for me. You learn to live with the pain because you have no choice. It sounds grim and I apologize for that. I do wish you well.
i am sorry. there is no way to make it better, and nothing deeper for me to say than that i am sorry, which i am. i can't even imagine. as for grieving, don't force yourself. it will come when it comes. you don't have to do it anyone's way but your own; you do you. take care.
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I have began to grasp what you have said, and have come to grips in a small way with what you say. I would just like to cry. Thank you
@Leutrelle believe it or not, crying is good. do not be afraid to do that. if you can't, though, don't blame yourself or worry. it will come when you least expect it, probably at some inconvenient time and place, but it will come. and you're welcome, and in case a virtual hug will help, here it is: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Leutrelle }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
g
Sorry for your loss . One of my older brothers was killed in a work accident when he was 43. It took awhile to get past the disbelief, and then the anger; but it did happen. Don't try to force anything. Allow yourself to feel what you feel at any given moment, whatever that might be.
My kids' grandfather died Friday in Florida. My daughter, who's currently self-isolating with my son and daughter-in-law in Ohio, expressed pretty much the same thing. She found Reddit groups of people who are sharing very similar experiences.
Unfortunately, I think you may have a large number of people sharing your experience before this is over.
I'm sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your brother.
The stages of grief are not absolutes. Each person's grieving process is different.
My father died at Christmas when I was 24. He was buried on Dec. 24. You can imagine what Christmas was like for my family after that. "Marker" dates can be awful.
For five years, I got sick in December, bottling up grief and pain. Then I threw away the medicine bottles. Decided to honor Dad on the day he died, on his birthday.
I light a candle in his memory. My father was a professional jazz trumpet player. Play jazz songs on my flute. Hang trumpet ornaments, creating a small brass section.
I thank Dad for the gifts he gave me (intelligence, humor, musical talent). Forgive his mean behavior.
I still feel sad at Christmas ("Oh, no, not again." ) But I am gentle with myself, instead of feeling only pain.
WOW so sorry to her about this part of your life Katherine. If I lived close, I would come hike with you nd offer some support
Thank you. I appreciate your kindness and support. Kathleen
Hope you forgive the Katherine, Kathleen. Won't do it again, Bob
I think it can be a long process and without rules or a right and wrong way to do it. To me the worse part of this corona virus, are that people die alone and both do not have the closure usuall possible.
For me, I think of the good times and all the contributions they made in me being who I am. I have done this for breakups too.It slowly shifts my sadness and in some cases feeling of devastation, into feeling really fracking lucky we got to have the dance together.
Sorry for your loss. Grieving is personal and does not have a timeline. Take as much time as you need and do not be pushed by others who want to define your grief. We are all different. I had a wife who died once and a boss who tried to tell me to "snap out of it." A few months later his own wife died in what was to have been a simple surgery. I think as I look back on all this it took me a few years to get back to normal again, if I ever did indeed get back to normal. Take all the time you need.
Don't be in a hurry, sometimes grief takes a long time, and sometimes it does not come right away. Sometimes doing something you used to enjoy doing together, just now and again, helps, its painful at first but if you stick with it, it helps the happy memories to grow over the bad, and make you feel you are keeping faith with their memory.
Look up emotional numbness. It is common and natural. Often when things hurt people shut out all emotion subconsciously as a defence mechanism. You are grieving. You are a normal person. With that I feel for you nd wish you the best. Emotional numbness does not in any way mean that one does not care, instead it is sure sign that one does. This is much better than when my mother died when I didn't care. There were reasons. I actually still struggle and feel guilty for not caring.
Sorry for your loss, but may I ask why haven't you been able to grieve? Grieving is very personal and does not require being somewhere special or going anywhere, which are the restrains we have now.
I just wish I could cry. I just feel numb.
@Leutrelle my older brother died in the 90s, I empathize but do not blame yourself for anything, nothing is wrong with you. We all grieve in different ways and your brother would have been the first one to tell you that. As long as you remember him, find solace in this: " gifts are temporary and often forgotten; love is forever and always remembered."
Ken Poirot
Sorry for your loss. Thanks for posting this. It is an important reason for having this site.
He died of course, a victim of political decisions which he was unaware of. Being taken through failed democracy.
A good memorial for anyone would be to make the living more aware that science and politics have to merge seamlessly.