I finally told someone that I'm starting to not believe in God anymore. I've felt so alone the last couple of weeks with my doubts, but today I told my mom how I was feeling and it helped a little. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell my super calvinist husband, but at least one person knows and I have this site to go to.
Edit: I'd like to add that my mom has questioned God for a long time because of her chronic pain and my dad is pissed off at God for the same reason, so talking to her was actually not too difficult. As far as pretending at home, I never really have had a good habit of reading the bible daily, we don't pray at the dinner table (I don't even have a dining table in my tiny apartment) and my job keeps me from church most weeks. So it isn't so much pretending as just keeping some thoughts to myself. If anything I've been asking my husband more questions about Christianity as well as atheism and I've found the conversations to be more interesting now that I'm thinking for myself more and not just taking everything he says as truth.
Just be honest and don't take offense when people question your lack of faith. It's not personal, they don't understand our point of view and it's foreign to them. Once they realize you are the same kibd genuine person without religion, it won't be an issue.
"super calvinist" might get things a bit harder than expected
Why would you be willing to live a lie for the rest of your life with the one person you should be able to trust more than anyone else?
I know that might sound harsh, but I could not do it.
I'm glad to see you are examining your beliefs. Nothing should ever be beyond scrutiny. Though in your case it seems like you will have a hard choice to make at some point. Most of us have had to "come out" as atheists at some point or another once we gave up faith. I can't tell you what is right to do. I don't know your situation. But I don't know if I would recommend hiding it for your whole life... That can really take a toll on your mental health.
Yikes. That sounds problematic.
Eventually, the manure will hit the fan, though, and you might want to start making plans for a single life, with new friends.
I hope your mother was supportive and present for you, even if she has concerns about this turn of events.
There is always hope. I was not quite a full-on Cavlinist (my tribe did not buy special election) but considering I accepted 4 of the 5 tenets of Calvinism I was dour enough for government work I guess. And here I am, a full-on atheist.
In my experience people don't change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of not changing. I think that's the place you're in. If your husband is not, and he truly loves you, then this should not be an relationship-ending revelation.
However if you ever contemplate coming out to him, let me propose a little trap. Get him to tell you if he thinks you're one of the elect or not first. Get him to do it a number of times over a long period. Maybe tell him you're not feeling like one of the elect, and let him repeatedly reassure you that you are; I'd imagine he'll be quite firm about it. Then tell him you no longer believe in god. That way, there's no chance that he can claim you never were one of the elect (a common tactic believers -- especially Calvinists -- use on deconverts) and, as a bonus, you've set him up to explain that belief is not a special gift from god, it is based on what you know to be [un]likely to be true based on [lack of] evidence. The only reason people think they need the gift of faith is the lack of evidence -- which at some level they know is a problem.
I'm not guaranteeing this will work or make everything okay, it's just my subversive sense of humor I guess. Combined with my particular aversion to being gaslighted by people who are Christians but don't know me, as "never one of us" despite a year of formal theological training, and a couple decades of faithful church involvement, and total acceptance as a mature Christian by my comrades. (The people who DID know me as a Christian, are just confused and think it's a passing phase, despite that I've been an unbeliever for nearly 25 years now, but that's another story. They have to handle the cognitive dissonance somehow).
I've actually been seriously questioning the belief system I've grown up with (non-denominational Christian) because of how it seems to clash so badly with a rational scientific mindset, opting instead for the cop-out of "I don't know, therefore God."
Keyword: rational
Oh, that is a tough gig. I am assuming the super calvinist husband (SCH) will not approve. But, honestly, if that's your conviction then you do no-one - including yourself, especially yourself - any favours by pretending. If SCH cannot cope, then that is his problem.
You just have to be honest be what you think/know/believe. Hard candy, I know, but better than the pretend alternative.
You are never alone. You're part of a broader community of like minds. Never forget that fact! Peace.
Sorry for your sorrows. This belief system business should be personal. We are entitled to our own thoughts. We are supposed to be free yet I understand that if your mother is a Christian it would make it most difficult for her to think she will not see you in Heaven......