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Anyone else in my age bracket having this issue? I am looking for a relationship, best friend, someone to do things with, talk to, snuggle up to, laugh with, cry with. However, no matter how many times and ways you tell a potential partner this, all they can talk about is sex.Now I love sex, and would love to have a great sex life again. But I want it as the icing on the cake, not the basis of the relationship. You can get sex any time, anywhere---I want something more. If all we share is sex, it's going to get real boring real fast. I am about to say to heck with it and just throw in towel. It's easier emotionally to just stay single than the roller coaster of hope, disappointment, hope, disappointment. Any suggestions?

Karenl 5 Apr 12
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47 comments

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1

I have to connect between my ears and in my heart before I connect with a woman ' below my waist'. That's how I'm wired.

17

I have never had sexual intercourse with a man I did not have some pretty tender feelings for and at the age of 56, I'm not going to change that aspect of myself. Sex for me is an expression of a deeper emotional bond. If I just want to get off, I can do it by myself in a couple of minutes. That's the hard truth of the matter. Sex for me has always been a true coupling of persons who have come to appreciate and care for each other, not two separate individuals rubbing their body parts against each other trying to make a spark.

@SACatWalker Well, just please don't attribute it to my username, but you may post it elsewhere as something like "seen on another forum, with permission to share".

Pretty sure 95% of men don’t share this view. Therein lies the problem.....

12

"It's easier emotionally to just stay single than the roller coaster of hope, disappointment". You just answered your own question. Get on with life, develop friendships, hobbies, live your life. If new love is meant to be, it will happen.

10

I am truly baffled by men around my age. Every man who has asked me out is obsessed with sex. A few times, we have only gotten as far as talking on the phone and they ask me how long before I would have sex, do I give blow jobs, will I walk around the house and yard nude, what is my favorite position., and on and on. My answers are never, no, no, and you will never find out. What is wrong with them? They have all turned into nasty old horn dogs. Are they crazy, worried about their sexual prowess, senile, rude? If any old men know the answer, please enlighten me. They don't even find out my last name, or what my interests are, or just have a couple of dates and get to know me. It is straight to sex, even when they have never laid eyes on me. I like sex as well as the next person, but I am not, in the slightest bit, interested in men who act like this.

I don't understand that either much like the dick pics

and they want to make sure you understand they can still get it up--pitiful---

On dating sites, the conversation will turn sexual by the 3rd or 4th message. Messages that consist of 2 sentences or less

9

I don't know what anybody wants anymore. But seriously, what you are getting at seems to be a problem for many of us. Sex is a good thing in the proper time and place, but this late in the game (I'm 68 ), it is certainly not paramount, imho.

I was on a couple dating sites for 2 or 3 months, and it was very frustrating. I have criteria, as you do, that are in my case, common interests, including fairly rigorous recreational activities, like hiking, mountainbiking, etc. But I kept getting contacted by ladies who were often not only older than me, but obviously not in any sense of the word athletic.

I never put the word "sex" in any of my bios or correspondence, and never had anyone mention it to me. I think it's mostly horny guys with few filters that do that.

9

I have solved the issue this way.
I am staying single.
I spend time with a number of ladies, some for a coffee and movie,
a couple maybe a weekend away, platonic, just good company. These ladies I consider off limits for sex, they have either not expressed any interest, or stated no interest. End of story.
I have some other lady friends, who I do the same things with, but who ocassionally want more than a snuggle, not often, but every now and then.Sadly none of these ladies are sufficiently compatible to be potential relationship material. Now the tricky bit. I do feel an obligation towards all of these ladies, to maintain the friendships at the level they are. There is a lot of mutual support, caring for a sick dog, taking them to hospital if necessary, being plus 1 at a function. This would stop me from being able to develop a one on one relationship with a lady. I don't think I could just drop my friends, and I am certain if I was considering a relationship it would be expected.
But hey, I will have a full table at scrabble, bingo, trivia whatever at the nursing home.
Not the solution you would be looking for, but it is my solution for me.

Sounds like a nice solution. 🙂

@OnaM certainly far from perfect. But the way my world was going, single for most of the past 25 years. It is an improvement.

@OnaM having a group of people you can go to for companionship sounds depressing.... not sure I follow.

@Donna_I I find it depressing that I don't have a group of friends to go do things with or even just hang out.

@SherryMartin I can relate, that has been me often over the years. Hence giving up on the idea of a relationship but opening myself up to spending time with people more than I would do normally. I am an extreme introvert, so am much more comfortable with only one or 2 people that know me. A relationship with the right person was always my goal, But it didn't happen.

@SherryMartin me too!

@SherryMartin What are your interests ? Enjoy reading ? Stop in at your local library , and see what events they have posted , that would interest you . I recently was at my Doctor's office , and as I left , a man followed me out , I'd met while using the computers at the library . Interested in gaming , find your local gaming store and join in gaming , you'll meet others who enjoy gaming . History ? Cosplay ? Join the SCA . Role playing - Join a LARP . Interested in SciFiFantasy - go to SciFiFan Cons . Science ? Go to Scientific Symposiums . Finance ? Real Estate ? Seminars . I once made an online friend , whom I never expected to meet . I had arranged to go to an Electronic Symposium , then learned he was also attending it , so we met up there . Decide what your interests are . Go to places that feature social events dealing with those interests . Be active , there . Join the discussions . Better yet , get on the panels . Enjoy your life ! If you enjoy it and are enthusiastic about it , people will come to you .

@Cast1es My particular issue is that I get up by 3am for work so my free time is when normal people are working. My bedtime is when normal people eat dinner.

I live in a small town that is number 1 on the list of worst places to live in Florida. Although I don't think it deserves that rating, there is nothing going on here due to some past corrupted officials that ruined us. It's coming back but that is beside the point.

I'm an extrovert that can and will talk to anyone near me. I would be interested in many of the things you mentioned but cannot participate in events that begin after I am supposed to be asleep.

I am active, I hike, geocache, do a lot of yard work but I do things when normal people are still at work. I also work Saturdays which is the only day this town has any events cuz the 3 churches on every corner own Sunday

9

My experiences included some that matched what you speak of, and others that didn't . Those were all from online sites. Then, dontcha know, I met someone in real life, who has so far, after two months ended up being far deeper than that, and a really good guy. However, now I find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum, as he's already mentioned marriage ... eek. Seeking balance and reason in a partner is quite the challenge ! Hang in there !

good advice, evergreen. uh...hope you hang in there too. it sounds like yours may be going to fast for you but also sounds delightful!

@crazycurlz I have asked him kindly, to back off , and he's responded to that. I do sense something special and different in him, so I'll hang in best I can. Being treated like an absolute queen is something I could get quite used to ! (smile)

@evergreen that is to be envied...happy for you! Keep us posted. 🙂

@crazycurlz thanks so much !

7

I get what you are saying. A number of years ago I started seeing this guy and he was awkward. Both physically and socially yet the sex was surprisingly mind blowing. I will say that he did not speak of sex when we first started hanging out together.

I have never had a strong sex drive so I was surprised at how much of it we had but outside of sex there was nothing there. I think we lasted 3 months before his non sexual behavior overcame the sexual gratification

So yeah, sex is icing.

@SACatWalker I don't photograph well but all the ones on this profile are of me out doing something fun so perhaps that is why they are better than most;

This profile picture was taken by my daughter at a geocache we stopped at on the way to a cruise. So yeah I was happy that day LOL

7

I've chosen to stay single.
My pursuit of a relationship has ended. It's a relief, and I'm really okay with being alone.
Everyone has to come to their own conclusions about these things.
I prefer my roller coasters be confined to amusement parks.

6

Oh how I feel ya on this one! And you're right, sex should be the icing on the cake, not the batter. Been over a decade since another adult has hugged me, or told me they love me. Pretty much numb at this point, but I'd still rather be part of a healthy partnership than be alone, but I'll keep being alone instead of settling, if that makes sense.

"I'll keep being alone instead of settling"...YES THIS.

6

It's like digging for gold. If you want to find that guy keep looking. Unfortunately you have to Wade through a sea of dick pics and perverts. Its not easy for guys either except women don't send us nudes. Well maybe they do but I don't ask for them. I'd rather establish a mental and emotional connection..

6

I don't have any suggestions.....I'm as dazed and confused as you are. If someone offers some decent advice please share lol.

5

I think there are men out there that want the same things as you, and in similar order. Mother Nature often gets in the way of that - but only if one allows her. Both people must be of similar mindset, smart enough to know that “it takes time to get to know someone” (and someone’s mindset).
In my experience base, it sometimes becomes a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. If a man DOESNT show a sexual interest “soon enough”, the woman thinks he is not interested in her - and quits the development. Can’t predict how one will be, or how two will be together.
So I’m of the mindset that “it takes time” to get to know someone well enoug - but it’s worth it. Just wish there were more of similar persuasion...
but they are out there!

5

I met a fellow member a couple of months ago. I was looking for all the above.No chemistry. Without that none of the above is moot. I just do what feels good now.

5

Most cis hetero males only pay attention to women for one reason..to get laid. Since most of them want to have sex with most females, their lust is NOT flattering.

Meanwhile, most cis, hetero women put up with sex to get love, affection, support, cuddling, etc.

One thing I did on dating profiles was to state clearly, "I don't do casual sex," and to delete anyone who brings it up. I also defriend anyone on Facebook who does the same.

When men think of women as only a means to their OWN pleasure, that's insulting, whereas most cis hetero men would feel flattered if a woman saw them in a sexual light, instead of wanting to know what they do for living, their hobbies, their characters, etc.

4

I haven't read all the comments so i hope this isn't repetitive. Stop for a bit. Do something you have always wanted to do - take a class, or a trip (go with a singles group if you don't want to travel alone), go to a play.... be selfish! Then look again if you like.

4

I would suggest that paraps you are looking for several people. Why give up on finding the jack of all trades when they tend to be the masters of none? Dial your expectations back a bit and seek some of each catagory. Just a thought.

4

I don’t have any suggestions or answers, but why do you think that one can get sex any time, anywhere?

Because men are more interested in having sex , than any other topic . It's risky for women , so fewer women are interested in instant , no strings attached sex .

@Cast1es right. Males can not simply get sex when and where they want, females, for the most part, can.

@OnaM oh?

@OnaM what? I’m surprised, I bet it’s because you have standards 🙂

4

Hang in there. You'll find a real man or two. They're out there.

4

Have you tried Meetup.com?, it's free and it's about shared interests and not dating (although there are groups that do that as well). Good luck ?

4

Hmmm.i guess it has to be someone with shared interests, and at the same stage in their life, who are also looking for a partner and a friend. Cuz if it starts with a friendship and partnership, he's gonna find it hard and feel lonely to go back alone. If they're emotionally available, right. And there should be common sense and no deal breakers, no drama, excessive mood swings, or other energy draining things,right? There's a Ted talk about that by a woman psychologist. Men get hooked by commitment/investment (she studied and found the old wisdom to be true, if you hold back sex until he commits, you have him. Give it right away and he's lost). women get emotionally hooked by sex/physical.
I know I'm probably young inexperienced and naive and preaching to the preacher, but hey my 2 cents. If you have something, enrich me

kng01 Level 5 Apr 12, 2018

And don't forget it's also hard for men to invest and commit, bcz women sought liberation and their satisfaction in modern times, regardless of they hook and committed an honest guy, like the one you want, and 1 5 20 years, she decides that she needs another **** (also scientifically proven, recent studies showed that women not men aren't made to be monogamous. A higher percentage stop having orgasms as frequently or stop having an interest after 1 year or so I think on average and the frequency drops, however introducing another Male raises their interest in sex to normal frequency again) now modern times has made it easy/casual/acceptable for women to Express that and run for the door, but that has left males distrustful and wary of putting down that investment, right? And I guess men can sense that someone wants to have their cake and eat it r too, or whatever it says
And men will not Express that or communicate well. So if someone you can sense genuinely likes you and is attracted, you're gonna have to put a long slow process into establishing the type of person you are and whether you're thinking there's an expiration on your physical or emotional fidelity or relationship.

3

I struggle with this also. I love sex and lots if it. But it's not the only thing about me. But when a man finds this out all of a sudden that's the whole relationship. Then I get quickly bored and turned off. I have many layers.

Because of this issue, I'm timid to move forward now. I'm timid to reveal my true self.

You state you have many layers, but what is the quality of the men you attract? Wondering if that is where the issue is, that you migrate to un-evolved types who are one dimensional beings...perhaps because of their appearance, but they turn out to be an empty suit or worse yet: a knuckle-dragger.

3

I am in exactly the same place. Most women i meet want sex too! Hard to find anyone wanting more!

3

I agree with U Karen. It seems all men want is to to Fuck me, then get up, get dressed and get out. So disappointing.

3

That's why I'm not on any dating sites.

Sex is good, but it's not the only thing. In fact (for me) it's not the most important thing.

3

I'm in a situation right now, that since I've desired to be in a relationship since last year after many years of abstaining, that I met a man that I've been very happy getting to know. And now we're at a place where we desire each other but still don't know if it's a relationship, and I'm feeling that I certainly want to move forward physically - it's very strong between us - but don't want that to become the primary focus. I'm feeling very torn, because it's been such a long time since I've desired anyone, but I don't want to see that getting in the way of having a real connection. I'm just trying to feel my way through this and see where it goes.

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