I prefer "firm love".

My first response, isn't the term tough love an oxymoron?
When my youngest son, Nick, was living with me in Borger Texas he was speeding and received a ticket. It took him almost a week to inform me.
Dad, you're going to be mad. How bad is the car Nick? Not the car, dad, I got a speeding ticket. How fast? 85 in a 70. Geez Nick, I hope you've learned something here. Dad, you're not upset. Nah Nick, why would I be upset? Geez when Steele, his older brother, got a ticket mom yelled for days. I'm not your mom.
A few more days passed. Dad, the tickets going to be $125. Ok Nick, what do you need from me?
For you to pay the ticket dad. Why would I do that, I wasn't speeding. Dad you're not going to pay It? Again, why should I? I didn't do it.
I informed Nick, the ticket had went to warrant and after explaining to him that this is a small town, the police know the Camaro and where we live, you'd better get a summer job to pay it before you go to jail.
Several days go by and Nick's jumping at every sound. I took him the next day to the court house and the judge took us into his chambers. The judge got a little rough with Nick but turned to me and winked.
It was summer so the judge gave Nick community service, helping to mow and clean up the park and such. It was good for him, he learned to be responsible for HIS actions.

I will echo what some others have said. “Tough love” just means letting kids feel the consequences of their choices. This is often critical to preparing them for adulthood. When parents step in and solve every problem and fix every mistake for kids, they don’t learn to make good choices for themselves.

It doesn't mean beat the shit out of your children/pets. rapping them in cotton wool does no good at all. a lot of times people have to learn the hard way while you just watch and guide. I sore a horse trainer say a great thing about training horses.he said that some people use carrots and some use sticks. he said that what he used was an orange stick. don't be nice just to be nice or horrible just to be horrible. tell someone how good they are when they're good and how bad they are when there bad or let them learn the hard way.

Tough love means not enabling self destructive behaviors, such as drug abuse.

Like giving them "money for food" when you know damn well it's going to go for drugs.

In a way it is tough for you both. You sometimes have to step away and let them fall a bit.

I agree. Most of the time when someone uses that term, it’s because they want to justify being horrible to the people they’re talking about.

In fairness, all love is “tough.” It involves us thinking of others, learning to empathize, being able to allow someone else to be right, learning to accept others as they are... letting others take responsibility for their actions so they don't do it again... it’s all tough. But it's better than the alternative.

As someone who was abused growing up and been on the receiving end of far too much "tough love", I firmly believe the "tough love" defense is a cop-out. I believe "tough love" is defense for lazy parents to abuse their kids and justify it as "discipline".

I never equated it with abuse. When I was a single mom raising two sons, Tough Love meant allowing my sons to experience the full brunt of the consequences of poor choices. I don't mean actual physical danger, but simple lessons like how spending your lunch money on comic books means you go hungry at lunch time and not that mommy will bail you out by giving you more lunch money. More like "These are your limits and boundaries, and if you exceed them, you live with the realities that result." Better they learn those lessons while they are still at home to be protected to a normal degree. I don't approve of parents who readily replace what is broken, or take a child's side even when they are in the wrong. Sometimes love means allowing your child to suffer.

Let's see..... so I was being abusive when I not only did not cover for my son, but I gave the sheriff directions to where he was when he skipped probation. I was also being abusive when I refused to bail said son out of jail. I guess insisting my children take responsibility for their actions is also abusive.

So...... being abusive to my children kept them out of prison/jail. Except for that one time with my oldest son, non of my children have been in trouble.

Got it.

Having been physically and emotionally abused by my parents I never was physical with my girls. I once took two fingers across my daughter's face and her father had a fit and a half. He had a childhood history of abuse too. Meanwhile my daughter doesn;t respect societal institutions and dropped out of high school at 17. Everything is a conspiracy theory. I was the mean mother not allowed to show tough love.

Tough love means to be able to say NO and stick to it. That us not being abusive, many say No and don't folliw through. Kids especially know hiw to exploit this.

My understanding of "tough love" is not that parents be physically tough towards their children, but rather parents stand their own ground with kids, not letting themselves be taken advantage of.
Please let me know where you have read that someone is encouraging physical discipline and calling it tough love? I have never seen this.

I guess I'm not understanding something. Why do you consider it being abusive towards children?

Tough love just means being firm but loving .. !! Setting clear boundaries as well as showing love.. It doesn't mean sending them on an assualt course, giving them sleep deprivation and waterboarding lol.

Kids need some abuse so they are prepared for the world at large . All this lovey dovey helicopter parenting is killin them. definition of abuse or tough love is key. a balance of the tenderness and guidance with the occasional slap to the head when required

Only a few tens of thousands of years of trying, so it should work any day now.

I think Positive Behavioural Support is the way to go where possible. Not giving your children attention is what they hate. They will seek out bad attention i.e. be naughty so they get told off, if you ignore the good things that they do.
Rewarding and praising good behaviour before it gets to that stage is important.

The question I always have to "tough love" is: Why would you not treat a person who you love and who depends on you with love and compassion?

To me it is just the justification of being abussive towards your kids