Chinese saying.
Do you lknow the story about a man saving another man's life and then becoming responsible for that life forever?
I think I am stuck in that story. Many years ago, I was active on an addiction site. A man, call him Joe, and I clicked. we had the same experiences, in the same European cities, not at the same time. We emailed back and forth.
I gave him some tough love advice on how to clean up from the opium habit, if he wanted to continue living. He took my advice and became clean. Yeah Good for him.
Ever so often, he would email me, although I was not on the site anymore. Before the holidays, he wrote me about the OD death of his famorite relative. He was devastated. I was devastated,too, having been in his situation before. He wrote back yesterday with an email that went truly deep into our relationship. He said he loved me. He is married and plans to stay that way.. We have never even seen each other., but it feels as if something has changed. What to do? I know that I am not responsible for his sobriety, only for my own. I am truly shaken up.
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And you are honest about the Chinese proverbial feelings. ...you own his story like he owns yours. ...it's a 2 way street. ....he saved you by staying in contact with you. ....don't be surprised by how deep real men feel for those they communicate with. ....and it should be no surprise that boys will say anything and avoid honesty just to get laid in the shallowest sexual way
GreenAtheist
Level 8
Apr 16, 2018
1
He hears your voice with every key stroke and imagines intimate thoughts about your body with every email. ...you cannot control that or his possible threat to relapse if he is denied the response he wants from you....stay kind and patient but only affirm his loyal marriage while admitting your geographic distance shall continue
GreenAtheist
Level 8
Apr 16, 2018
1
His expression of love is appropriate BUT NOT REQUESTS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. ...It's only natural for a man to admit such feelings inseparable from clinical platonic "sponsor" feelings. ....you're a good woman to support his sobriety and mourning dead people.....unless he is negotiating a rendezvous. ...simply affirm his loyalty to his marriage and your distance from his intimate feelings. ....if this is a 12 step program YOU BOTH WERE IN A RELIGIOUS CULT infamous for substituting coffee cigarettes and sex for other addictions
GreenAtheist
Level 8
Apr 16, 2018
1
Thank yu for your thoughtful analysis. I am not in any danger of relapsing, having been clean for 45 years, but I feel trapped now. I will have to think very hard about the right words for my response to him. That alone makes me very unhappy. I never had so much invested in our relationship.
But I will not shy away from the next step.
@Spinliesel I've been sober a while too. I feel for your situation. Been in a similar, not quite as intense situation. There are different kinds of love as you acknowledge. This is love for a fellow human, not romantic love for you. Keep in contact with your sponsor/AA old-timers to help you ride this out. Keep in touch.
@GreenAthiest Been there? I wish there were easier, more successful ways to get clean and sober but haven't found any. There is a chapter to agnostics in the BB. I had to use the group in place of a higher power. I don't see the cult as much as addiction being responsible for people looking for substitute addictions to drugd or alcohol. Just my humble opinion.
@Archer Thank you, Archer. I became clean by cold turkey, on my own with only my commune members to help me, clean up, bring me water and keep the doors locked. Worst four days of my life I have no sponsors, but it seems I am one. What is the bb? Which cult? I do not know much of the recovery culture. and its language.
@Spinliesel Big Book.
Greenathiest referred to AA as a cult and in a vague sense I would agree but there aren't a lot of successful options for people like us. Feel free to message me if you need to vent or whatever.
Don't drink even if your ass falls off!
@Spinliesel SECULAR SOBRIETY and other Atheist support groups DO NOT FORCE PEOPLE TO READ OVER AND OVER FROM THE BIG BOOK and other cult readings. ...IT DOES NOT WORK "if you work it".....holding hands and human caring does work
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