Have you ever seen the movie "Garden State"? It is one of my favorites but not for the romance. But for the romantic idea, the message of the film. Well If you have not seen it then stop reading so I don't spoil it. But the main character andrew, going through life medicated and numb to his emotions, flies home for his mothers funeral. While visiting home, he leaves his meds back in LA and begins to realize that he may not even have anything wrong with him. Towards the end he realizes what it's like to be alive again, to feel and embrace life. I love the idea. It resonates with me, that feeling of being reborn. I spent a lot of years altering the chemestry of my brain with drugs. I never realized until several years ago that I was only using it to numb myself from all the forces in the world that I perceived to be threatening. I feel I almost had a similar apiphany. I remember one day weeks after I moved back home and finally got sober, And I just got this feeling that everything was not as bad as it seems and that I didn't have to hide myself and burry everything anymore. I could finally get that intuitive sense of wonder and curiosity about the universe. It was liberating. It was the annihilation of my apathy. These days, when I walk outside to beautiful weather and feel the sun on my face, I get that feeling again. Like I just want to explore everything infinitely and experience everything life has to offer. I feel just like he does at the end of the movie, standing on top of that crane, screaming his lungs out into the canyon below with pure excitement and relief. Just to actually feel something. I am still frustrated with many things in life. But I am proud of who I have become these days and proud that I learned how to feel again. It has been a strange journey. I recently thought hard about contacting some old friends that I lost contact with. Some good people that were also partying with me back in the day, But even they could see that I was losing control. My friend jon one time had to lie to me because I kept asking him to sell me more doses from his vile of sinthetic mescaline. I had already taken about 6 drops on my toungue and was still trying to buy more. He told me he already sold the rest and was waiting for someone to pick it up. He told me years later that he lied to me because he had to cut me off. He was worried about me. And I had no clue. I would like to talk to him agian soon. I would love to see him again. He was a good freind that I regret losing contact with. Anyway... Just venting some introspective thoughts....