Rrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!

Look foreword to finding a new relationship that is good for you. Do not go backward, it may get in the way of finding the right person.

First of all , I don’t care what he wants and he says and he thinks . Not your problem .
I have questions :
A) what are your feelings about this guy ? Do u love him ? Do u care for him ? Do u worry if he is healthy , happy , and in comfort ?
B) what is your biggest fear if u and he were back to a relationship other than friendship ?
C ) what are your limitations and boundaries when it comes to behavior , consistency , companion and intimacy ?
D) what will had be the best outcome for u if u could picture your self with him again ? Would u had to change much about u or he will had to change much about him self ?
E) have u met , intimate ways , anyone after him , the last 31/2 yrs ?

It cost u nothing to answer texts and even have coffee and drinks at your convinience . Ego is another story , but personally , others don’t validate mine , so I don’t care what they think or assume or expect . The point is , WHAT DO U WANT . I won’t spend a minute thinking what and how and if “ he wants . Who cares . That train ride is familiar for near 10 yrs u said , woman , u know all the stops ! The point is , what do u want . That’s where u need to spend time to think .
U owe him no explanations , no words , and no promises . The rest is easy . Do as u please , one day at the time , and u decide as u go along . If he can’t handle that , boy bye his loss .
Ps : emergencies / small island :
Julie , get resources , pretend he is dead , and ask 0 help from someone who has hurt u in the past . 0. U are strong , and u don’t seem like a dummy to me . U can handle things , and there are other humans too for emergencies . Worst case , paid help.

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go zero contact. If you have managed to overcome the trauma bond, you really do not want to start over with this guy. They do not change, except to get worse. Let him throw his tantrums, block him where you can on texts and social media. Don't take his phone calls. I would even recommend a restraining order if you feel threatened.

Interestingly, I kind of have the relationship you want with my ex-wife. We are friends, live quite close to each other, hang out, but not often. Neither of us has anyone else in our lives. If I need someone to take me to the hospital for a treatment, she is there as I am for her. I watch her dog when she's working, she watches mine when she is home if I am going out for some time. I would love to have a sexual relationship with her, but that was our biggest issue when we were married and I don't see it happening. But she is probably my closest friend and I hers. But I will be the first to point out that it is not easy. There are times when I just have to back away a bit when I start to feel like we are married again. If he is berating you when you bring up the past (I would love to talk about what happened with us, but she gets very defensive and mad if I bring it up), that sounds abusive to me.
He can accept the new relationship you want, but it doesn't sound like that is what he wants at all. Be honest and make sure he knows exactly where you stand or it could lead to a lot of pain for both of you. Just my advice, for what it's worth.

One can't change a man's behavior of needing to feel superior.
Sounds like he will trample your boundaries. Run!

What he's doing to you right now is called "hoovering", after the vacuum cleaner. He's trying to suck you back into his life.

For every claim there is a test.

Tell him you’ll come back, but no sex for a year.

See how he responds.

If he has really “changed” he’ll enthusiastically accept your offer.

Then hold him to it.

If he balks or bargains... RUN!

At least then it will be clear to him that the problem is him, not you. So no reason for ill will.

Don't let it happen to you please

The only person you can control and change is you. You cannot force him to live in peace and harmony.

I suggest you block him. Don't let him into your home. Be strong.

Some people have a difficult time excepting platonic friendships when they're physically attracted to you.
They will undoubtedly be looking for a way in.
Having him in the shadows would lesson the chance of you truly moving on and finding that happiness you deserve with someone else.
Completely cutting the string may seem extreme yet probably the best thing to do.
I hope it turns out well for you whatever path you may choose to take.

It's called a Restraining Order! Use as necessary, you owe him NOTHING and you have a perfect right to live your life the way you want without interference. NO means NO, no explanation,no "letting him down gently, none of that crap he wants to make you go through, just, "NO"!

Tell him where to go and how to get there, just in case he does not understand. It is over and you are not interested. If he wants to keep it up then you will get serious about making his life a living hell. That should do it. I once to a friend of my son that I did not want to see him again, he was a really bad influence on my son, he hesitated and made many excuses. I told him that "I am self employed and that meant I had lots of free time if I wanted. I said you do not want me to make your life miserable, I can do it and I will make sure to enjoy it." I actually had no idea what I would do but he did not know that, I made sure I said it like I meant it.

That's the classic behavior of a narcissist. Run!!!!! Take it from someone who's been through it. :'(

The words "he's being very persuasive" popped out which means he wants to gain control. My first two relationships I found I was the one doing most of the persuasion was done by me. In the end they crashed. I learned for a true partnership is has to be a mutually agreed relationship. The constant wanting and attempts at control will never go away. Learn from the past.

You already know the truth.

I don't have time to provide a full reply at this moment, but in short this is a possession issue with you as the prize.
A relationship must encompass the needs of all who are involved, not just one. (Couple, plural, family, friends and pets)

With my love bomber, when i started noticing that he was talking to other people and hiding it from me among other things, he got defensive and blamed it on me and then wanted to end things.
They are only ok if you live by their rules and do what they say.
He wanted me to change into someone i wasn't i.e., wearing red lipstick among other things in the bedroom which made me feel totally uncomfortable.
I don't talk to him at all now.

As promised, a longer reply...
Although not limited just to males, it is us males who are more often the victims of biological drives. That is to pass on our genetic code.
We develop schema to generate the perceived greatest chance of finding a mate. There are of course many different strategies to this, which we tend to base on what we learn from around the age of two, but these are also biased to our genetic makeup.
From a male perspective here are some schemas which are common.
One woman for life.
Many women for life.
One woman for now.
Many women for now.
One woman for life and others for now and again.
One woman for as long as she can make babies, then trade in for a new one.
Short term love, then move on.
Short term love, then move on, but keep coming back 'cos you'll always be mine, y'hear bitch! No, no I love you...
Cuckoo - mate and be gone.
African-American in the USA tend to strongly follow the cuckoo or many women for now which has become a multi-generational social norm.
We men can change, but that depends on the woman we are with. We will always have sudden urges to smash in the skull of a rival or lock our love away.
If you want a more academic article with a few thousand words, message me.

Get a gun. Learn how to use it. Keep it under your pillow.

And move to a different state.

I think the others have given plenty of good advice. You need to turn your back on him for good, and I personally don't understand or relate to how much you seem to care about staying on good terms with him, or whatever that means to you. If someone treats me bad, which he apparently did to you in the prior relationship, I am done with them for good. Call it scorched earth, if you like, but I just don't feel it's worth it or even that important to be on good terms with them, esp. since you don't seem to have any kids involved from this relationship. If the two of you had made babies, that would be another matter, of course. I have been childfree by choice my whole life, so that makes it much easier to just move on and not look back if things don't work out with a dating partner, so I admit that colors my perspective.

Why would you give a fuck about "being there for each other platonically"? In my mind, that is the role of my longtime friends who have treated me well and already been there for me, and have their own primary relationships or not, and that I can always count on, not some former lover and partner or whatever he was.

I turned things around with ex-wife, took time and patience , but let him know you had enough and would rather be celibate than be with him

All else fails kick him in the nuts hard. Education is expensive perhaps this will get his attention.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I already know I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I'm simply trying to find a way to make the texting and constant checking in on me stop or at least slow down, without blocking him, which I've had to do many times in the past.

I do know it's a control thing and it's easier to recognize the pattern now after so long living in the peace and quiet of my phone rarely dinging and feeling the freedom of enjoying my life without interruption and being sucked into his drama.

He is in a transition and I'd like to try to be a friend, in a small way, like I would be for any human I've been close to, but not the intimate partner he wants. Maybe that's not possible, but I'm going to try standing firm in my reasoning with him, which I know is likely futile, but with firm repetition maybe I'll get through.

I need my personal space for my sanity, and can't handle his controlling presence taking over my life again and have told him so. We just need to find a way to exist on the same island without getting in each other's way, yet possibly being there for each other as a friend, if we can. If not, that's the way it goes.

He's trying to find his way again, since he moves around a lot, different parts of the island. I think he was trying to see if he could move back in with me and that's a big NO. He asked if there were any apartments available in my building and I flatly told him that would be too close for my comfort. So, he's looking again for places to live on the other side of the island, which is better for both of us.

We both know we need distance, and he's considering moving off island. (Have heard that before...) I think he just thought he'd take a shot and see if I'd be willing to try to make a relationship work, but I'm a firm no on that.

My hope was to be there for each other in an emergency, during this time of transition, but avoid being alone together, which is something he can't seem to handle and he admits that. Hopefully he'll stop bombarding me with texts in a few days and my normal life will resume. I'm not stupid, but I'm also not heartless. Just trying to chose the most graceful way of handling this until it cools down again.

Yes, I hear the voice in my head as well as comments here that I should go back to pretending he doesn't exist, since that did work very well for quite a long while. After this flutter of "love bombing" stops that will be able to work for me again.

My mind was just in shock with falling back into this black hole unexpectedly and apparently I needed to write my feelings out to strangers, not anyone who knows him, and the reactions have been helpful and appreciated.