A man sees a woman he's attracted to when out shopping. He stops her and tells her that he's interested in her. As a woman, is this acceptable behaviour? Or does it depend on whether you're attracted to him?
7
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I wouldn't know. It only ever happened to me once in my life and it was on the sidewalk, not in a grocery store. I was too afraid of a homophobic reaction to tell him I wasn't interested because I'm a lesbian, so I made up some story about a boyfriend and the guy went away. I don't know if it's because of my Grumpy Cat neutral face, but people just don't approach me or look at me. They don't catcall, nothing. I have no hashtag me too stories. Yes, I know I should be grateful, and I'm not complaining, but I do wonder why I'm such an outlier.
memorylikeasieve
Level 7
Apr 22, 2018
0
Starting an initial interaction with a declaration of interest without having first tried to open a conversation - say with a bit of wit to see if I'm interested or even in the mood for banter or interruption - would be an instant shutdown from me. Looks alone are never enough. Give me something more and then be open to whatever my response may be.
Helga
Level 4
Apr 22, 2018
10
Great response, thank you.
Yup, plus you have no idea if you have anything in common
I think I am generally kinda creepy to begin with. You know, my appearance. On top of that, I’m am not a speaker. I stumble through vocalization and enunciation. Topics that people would use to instigate communication are irrelevant and meaningless. It seems to me that as much as some females say the physical attraction approach is an insult or shallow, would not the male’s use of something like “can you help me pick out the second best bunch of bananas?” also be insulting? What kind of competent male can’t pick out some bananas? To me, that sounds no different than “hey baby, nice ass.” All I can say for sure is, I suck at verbal and physical communication. It seems to me that if you want to approach a female, there needs to be an unstaged situation. I’d probably be better off talking to someone if I accidentally spilled coffee on them, or ran over their toe with my cart. What do I know, though? I don’t play all of these social games.
NothinnXpreVails
Level 8
Apr 22, 2018
9
KenG:
I kind of agree with what you’re saying: I believe being honest about your intentions up front
“Hi, I saw you and thought you looked cute, so I wanted to meet you and find out what you’re really like”
Is honest, and I’m happy saying something like this. I’ve done it a few times. I’m not worried too much about being harshly rejected but that hasn’t happened yet - not Harshly Rejected). I met my last but one girlfriend in a shop so maybe that’s why I feel ok about it.
The banana approach would work with me. Not sure what that says about me. It’s funny, and if you make me laugh first… that’s big.
@CM1965 Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? Anyone? Anyone? Hahhahahahaa
@NothinnXpreVails LOL. See, very easily amused. I love to laugh. That’s the in with me.
I would find it perfectly acceptable as long as you started the conversation with anything other than, "I'm interested in you".
meta4me
Level 4
Apr 22, 2018
8
What might be a better word(s) to say then?
Just an icebreaker to open a conversation. Like, "don't I know you from _?" Or, "hey I like that __, where did you get it?"
I once saw a guy I was interested in at the grocery store that I thought was cute so I crashed my cart into his and apologized and said something along the lines of, "maybe we should exchange phone numbers, you know, for insurance purposes." It was cheesy as hell, but it's also cute and fun.
@meta4me now that likely would work with me!
Hmmmm I may steal that... ?
As long as you are respectful and kind, I think it's fine to approach a woman. "You are deceptively strong for such a small person," a man said at Anytime Fitness yesterday. I thanked him. As we lifted free weights side-by-side, we chatted and laughed. He wasn't my type with colorful, full-arm tattoos and a long white beard.
"I am allergic to all codeine-based medicine; I get a full-body rash," I said as we discussed our shoulder surgery. "I break out into handcuffs," he replied. At age 52, he is a longtime member of Narcotics Anonymous and has served time in prison.
It's always nice to chat with someone at the gym. Most people wear ear buds: a giant "Buzz Off" sign. But this man pressed a little too far. He invited himself to my house for dinner. "No, you probably wouldn't get enough to eat," I replied lightly and walked away.
LiterateHiker
Level 9
Apr 22, 2018
7
:::: shudders ::::
that reminds me of a bit in "The Gift of Fear", ~false familiarity~ . "Breaks out in handcuffs"...omg
pepperjones, What is ballsy? The man inviting himself over to my house for dinner?
????
Yikes!
What if a guy came up to you, in a very light, cool, maybe funny way, and said, "Hey, I know you are probably involved with someone already, but if your not and if you might wanna get to know me more, I would certainly like to get to know you as well, here is my number, have a great day." and he gives you his biz card and walks away. No pressure for either of you, what might your response be?
DrewShourd
Level 7
Apr 22, 2018
7
I would like that approach: non-threatening and friendly. Then leaving the choice up to me as to whether I want to pursue it. You're right, no pressure--and that's much appreciated.
@Anniemae Thank you, it's rough after 17 years of not having to date....
I had that approach once younger at a dance club. Oh the guy was super cute and flattering., but there was no conversation besides "Hi my name's --- you're the hottest girl in this place"...erm my best friend was there also so not true.
Maybe he was trying to be progressive giving me his number, but I'd have preferred if he'd asked for mine, or offered to exchange numbers.
At the time it struck me as arrogant, whether or not I was correct is anybody's guess.
@Qualia I'd say you were correct in that assessment, he could have at least suggested exchanging phone numbers.
@SpikeTalon Yes and mind you this was before cell phones, he was out of town = long distance call. Uhm NFW.
I’d probably respond if I found him interesting.
It’s the fact that he walks away that makes this approach acceptable- I don’t want to feel trapped, stalked, or pressed for an answer.
Gawd ...I dream about finding Mr. Right in the chiller aisle of Aldi !!!
Jaydee123
Level 5
Apr 22, 2018
8
Aldi's is very cool....same family owns Trader Joes (like out in Los Angeles), two brothers who's father started a store in Germany in the late 40's.
Heh.. "The odds are good, but the goods are odd"
Unless you fancy Chris Hemsworth as The Mighty Thaw!
I had a "near miss" at the grocery once. We entered at the same time, crossed paths in a few aisles, and I cracked a joke about him being a stalker. (It was clearly a joke, said in a flirtatious manner.) I didn't get his number, but I would have used it if I had.
I'd say go for it, but approach it lightly. Humor is great at disarming people.
Nottheonlyone
Level 7
Apr 22, 2018
5
@Nottheonlyone Sorry ...I am confused... It would've been a "near miss" if you closed the deal, rigth? But then you said you didn't get his phone number, so it was a missed opportunity, wasn't?... So which one is it? ( I know, curiosity killed the cat.... Good thing I am not one)
I suppose I meant it was a miss, but it felt like it could have happened. So it was near, but still a miss. Maybe I've been using that phrase incorrectly my entire life...
@Nottheonlyone A "near miss" in aviation is when two planes get so close that they could have crashed, but barely missed. You used the phrase correctly, but I'll admit it seems confusing and wrong if you think about the wording too much.
@CalebMarion That's reassuring, thanks.
@CalebMarion, A near miss is a disaster that was narrowly avoided. So you may have used it wrong, but you were probably right anyway. 
My brain works like that, when I have a doubt I ask. That's all there is.... Thanks @Nottheonlyone, your answer did clarify.
I think that as long as you don’t come at her in a way that makes her feel trapped or feel like you’re somehow entitled for saying she’s pretty, it’s acceptable. Women respond best to a “stunning” or “beautiful”. Can the douchy “hot” or “sexy”.
Bottom line if there was a gigantic alpha male wanting to tell you something, how would you want to be approached?
jenandjuice1111
Level 7
Apr 22, 2018
5
If you have never met the woman or never had any verbal exchange, then saying "I'm interested" will let her know that the only reason so far you want to see her again is for her looks. Some women are okay with that, but many aren't interested in being desired for looks first and personality second. The ones that are okay with being admired more for looks are more likely to be shallow or attention starved. Which is no better than looking for dates in bars. Personally, I'll chat with anyone who easily makes conversation about what is happening at the moment, and if the conversation went on for more than 10 minutes and I wasn't put off by anything s/he said, I'd be willing to go get coffee.
vmfreesoul
Level 4
Apr 22, 2018
5
That’s not entirely accurate. A male can observe behavior and attitude before approach, not just physical appearance.
@NothinnXpreVails that's fair.
YES! Thank you for perfectly articulating what I was trying to convey. ?
It depends on how he goes about it. If he flashes a smile and says hello, then makes an innocuous conversational gambit, I think it is fine. If I am not interested, I will just smile and not continue the convo. If he is funny without being too familiar, he is much more likely to draw me into conversation. If, however, he remarks on my appearance in any way, it is offensive and he will be shut down. I’m not a painting or sculpture to be admired and I’m not there for his entertainment. I know that sounds harsh; however, women get catcalled, harassed, groped, and objectified on a regular basis pretty much ch from puberty.
DispatchKara
Level 4
Apr 22, 2018
5
As it’s our job to approach a women, and some of us (well maybe just me?) don’t enjoy flirting with drunk women we don’t know that much, I don’t want to meet women in bars and clubs. I’d rather meet sober women in every day circumstances. Online dating can be great but again: meeting women as I’m going about my day to day business just seems more natural to me.
KenG
Level 6
Apr 22, 2018
4
It isn't your job to approach women. I have been the one to ask out at least half the guys I've dated.
@KenG I am new to dating after 17 years, so I don't know the 'rules' to all this stuff. For me, life is about being real, being nice and always respectful, I view dating the same way, and ya gotta take chances, both side do.
Why is it a man’s job to make the approach? I have initated it as often as I have been asked out.
If he doesn't have 'crazy' eyes.....and is respectful and non-threatening, I think it is fine. Men are visual. I think if the woman smiles and makes eye contact when she notices him looking, that would encourage contact? If she doesn't want to be approached, she can use body language to convey that too.
Sapiophile
Level 5
Apr 22, 2018
6
hahaha, 'crazy eyes' that's funny (and true) I talk to all kinds of people when I am out and about, in a professional and polite manner and I always make people laugh, but I never approach women I am attracted to, I guess I figure that more than likely they have a man. Please tell us about 'body language'.
@Agr8m8 I never approached, either. Not sure if because of lack in confidence or if I just really didn’t care.
OMG I am going to be checking every guys face now for 'crazy eyes' ROTFL. Maybe that has been my problem all along because I have not been checking those eyes. I need to get out more!
Being a person who regularly makes eye contact and smiles at others throughout my day (and happens to have large eyes and an ample chest), my friendliness is unfortunately read as flirting when it is very much not intended to be. First dates are precarious under these circumstances because I can get through even a horrible date just trying to make it as tolerable as possible for myself and then come to find out the other party thought it went great and expects a second date (or even a kiss). I'm really not sure which is worse, not having my interest reciprocated or having to break the same news to someone else.
Give her your calling card, make a slight bow, put on a monocle, and stride away with confidence!
CalebMarion
Level 5
Apr 22, 2018
4
That would totally work with me! lol
@Marcie1974 It's the monocle that did it for you, isn't it? Haha
@CalebMarion totally the monocle! Anyone who goes through the effort to procure one deserves a chance
"He stops her" ??
Whoa! That is already unacceptable imho.
If there's no natural way into a conversation, just let it ride.
Gareth
Level 7
Apr 22, 2018
3
What's wrong with stopping her? I don't think they mean grabbing her, twirling her around, and looking creepily into her eyes.
@ArthurPhillips Everything
@Gareth So, then you'd have to watch and wait for that moment when she's naturally stopped?
@ArthurPhillips I would leave her the crap alone. Everything in the world is not about me, my wishes, my needs and my idle fantasies.
As an introvert, under most circumstances I do not approach people out of the blue if and when the mood strikes. The women I have dated in the past I had met through mutual friends, and that worked out good.
SpikeTalon
Level 9
Apr 22, 2018
3
I once approached a woman I found attractive. She thanked me and then let me know she was married. After that she told me to continue to say hi too people in that way and if she hadn't been attached she would have enjoyed getting to know me. She may have just been being nice but I was grateful. I have never built up the nerve to do that again.
Lifesgood208
Level 5
Apr 22, 2018
3
KenG:
This has happened to me too, but we actually went for a coffee.
So lets flip that script and hear from some guys.....how would you react if a woman (total stranger) came up to you and indicated an interest in you? Be honest now....
Lavergne
Level 8
Apr 23, 2018
2
KenG:
It would creep me out because women don’t approach men.
I have had this happen a lot. Its the group of people i hang with. Were all there for recovery.
It depends on how he goes about it. If he flashes a smile and says hello, then makes an innocuous conversational gambit, I think it is fine. If I am not interested, I will just smile and not continue the convo. If he is funny without being too familiar, he is much more likely to draw me into conversation. If, however, he remarks on my appearance in any way, it is offensive and he will be shut down. I’m not a painting or sculpture to be admired and I’m not there for his entertainment. I know that sounds harsh; however, women get catcalled, harassed, groped, and objectified on a regular basis pretty much ch from puberty.
DispatchKara
Level 4
Apr 22, 2018
2
It's a tad creepy. If that is your opening statement, a woman can surmise that you make judgments about attraction based on looks alone. That is more of an insult than a compliment. Regardless of how gorgeous I was or how attractive he appeared, I would respond negatively to a man that demonstrated that degree of shallowness. If the woman was as shallow as the man, she might be flattered, but don't be surprised if her reply to such an opening statement is, "How much money do you have?"
Deb57
Level 8
Apr 22, 2018
3
KenG:
Men do make judgements on a woman’s looks, just like women judge men in many ways. We have to make initial visual judgements because we don’t know anything about you at first. 
Exactly, but you would really decide you want to spend time with a woman just because she's pretty? Have you seen that movie "Fatal Attraction?" I've seen pictures of Ted Bundy, and I fit the description of most of his victims back when he was doing his worst. He was an attractive guy. We all make initial judgments, but acting upon them can be an entirely different matter.
@KenG Women don't understand the importance of that with all men from one degree or another. It does not mean by any means that we love 'looks' alone, she has to be kind, smart, funny etc. and there has to be a spark for us both. So without sounding too shallow, it does begin with looks for me but that is just about 15-20% of the attraction for me.
KenG:
Initially we only have a woman’s looks to go on because we don’t know her yet. But I couldn’t be in a relationship with a woman just on her looks, no. There is a lot more I need.
"If the woman was as shallow as the man, she might be flattered, but don't be surprised if her reply to such an opening statement is, "How much money do you have?"
THIS ALL DAY!!! It's exactly the equivalent!
Yeah, I'm gonna have to be the outlier on this one...
Attraction based on looks alone is not okay with me. It's not a reason for me to freak out or feel "creeped out" or be rude to anyone over it--because I understand that it's the way most people work, and I'm okay with not being like most people.
If anyone wants contact with me solely based on my looks, I know they're not for me. I would just politely let them know I'm not interested.
It's not inappropriate, per se--it's just not for me.
stinkeye_a
Level 8
Apr 22, 2018
2
I would imagine the attraction also has some basis in the fact that the two are sharing a common experience and might also live close enough to one another to make dating a possibility. Attraction might be triggered by observing the way a person interacts with the space and the people within it, as well.
KenG:
We have to start with looks because we don’t know anything about you at first.
@GinaMaria I get how people are. I'm different. No big mystery. I'm not judging the 99% of people whose attraction mechanism works differently than mine.
KenG:
I might find you visually attractive. That’s how men are attracted to women: mostly visually. Especially as we don’t know anything else about you yet.
What if they ONLY have your looks to go on? A guy sees you in the street and thinks you're attractive. Maybe there is something about you that isn't normally present in other women and it just turns him on. How is he going to get to know you if you turn him down because he approached you based on your looks? How can you get to know anyone anywhere except for maybe work if not for being physically attracted to them?
How is one to get an opportunity to know someone at the supermarket if it is not by the looks at first?
@Piece2YourPuzzle In my case, it was
- A HS creative writing class, and later hanging out with friends in a group
- Open mike poetry reading
- A conversation with a new neighbor
- Meeting a friend of a friend
- Playing Magic the Gathering in a group
This was me, meeting my bfs (all solidly average-looking, squishy-middled dudes) and feeling an attraction for them only after interacting with them and having gotten a sense of their personalities, values, creativity, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. Their looks were ancillary.
I personally can't feel a real attraction for someone unless I know certain things about them. And it's reciprocal, in that I won't find you attractive if you find me attractive without knowing those certain things about me. It's a shared values thing. Sorry, not sorry. I'm like, 1% or less in this position. Who cares?
If some dude stops me on the street and asks me out, I'm just going to say "No thanks.". I'm not going to shame him, not going to say "Well, you just lost your shot, there, buddy"--even if that's strictly true. I'm just going to politely turn him down. Who cares?
How can you get to know anyone anywhere...? Are you serious??
- classes
- clubs, groups, societies
- hobbies
- gyms
- parks, trails
- meet ups, why-dont-we, etc.
- just saying hello
I mean, WTF??
My paradigm of getting to know someone before experiencing "attraction" exists--Ive lived it, so I know it's possible. I'm not campaigning for this paradigm to conquer all others; I'm just mentioning it. I'm not judging anyone else for how they experience or conceive of attraction; I'm not right and no one else is wrong. It just is what it is.
Who cares if I don't play by the rules that everyone else does? What difference does it make?
@IamNobody, @KenG, @Piece2YourPuzzle Another thing to bear in mind is some women (no idea percentages) have had bad experiences with being treated certain ways based on their looks, and have lingering psychological difficulties or sensitivities from it.
In my case, in addition to everything else I already mentioned, I am sick to death of the way people treat me based on my looks. I despise it. I often feel like men think I can do no wrong--which is not taking me seriously as a person or being objective. Please treat me like a real person. I'm not a rare mythical creature; I don't want the awe and reverence you'd give a unicorn.
KenG:
@stinkeye_a Unfortunately men finding visuals more of a turn on than any other trait is just evolutionary I’m afraid. It’s just something that is a fact: that’s why the makeup industry is so huge (for one lol).
@stinkeye_a Hey, I understand where you're coming from, and it's your choice, but how do you know their initial attraction to you wasn't just your looks and the other stuff just masked it and made it look like they were attracted to you by your hobbies or other things about you FIRST? Guys go places where girls will be. They see you first and foremost and what you look like. There are outliers for both sexes with this, but I'm pretty sure it's the majority. How can you be sure whoever you're with didn't judge you by your looks first and foremost and you think they're with you for other reasons that you think are "deeper"?
I don't care one way or the other. I don't care how you get your rocks off or choose your boyfriends or lovers. I'm just asking and looking for the reasoning. I'm not judging you.
@IamNobody I think conversation has to take place. I see men in the grocery store all the time I smile at them they smile at me and it never goes anywhere. I leave it up to the man to approach me. No one ever does though. Maybe I’m too freaky, I don’t know. Say hi, find common ground. If you catch me in the coffee aisle, buying coffee, there’s your in. You could have a 10 minute 20 minute conversation just about coffee. I don’t know this seems like a reasonable thing to me, that way you actually get to find out if she is interesting to you and if she seems interested in you Tell me, “If you’re interested in having coffee together, here’s my number, get in touch.” If she does, great. If not, move on.
@CM1965 I agree, I think we're both saying the same thing. Its actually a two way street and more times than not, I would say the guy trying to approach the girl at the supermarket is the one terrified and may come as the rude dude when in reality he may be just about to crap his pans. Its a tricky bussines that works perfectly easy for some people and its huge challenge for others. I do like your approach about coffee and yet, the looks play an important part at least on the first move.... Thanks for the advice, I need to go to Starbucks more often ?
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