My great grandmother used to answer and tell them "We've been expecting you. Will you take a goats head for payment? The dark lady of the house is out but she shall return".
That always makes me laugh when I think of it. Its so much better coming from an elderly woman.

I found the most useful use of my graphic design degree yet by making a sign to put on our front door that reads "This is a religious free environment, violators will be righteously persecuted".

Using the word "Persecuted" I figured it would be amusing to go with a pun the religiously inclined would get.

It seems to have worked thus far. The Jehovah Witnesses even stopped shoving copies of the Watchtower under our front door tearing up our weather stripping. And throwing threats at us of how we will never make it to paradise. And this has been going on for nearly six years now.

I still have to take it down when my inlaws come by, my husbands family are catholic and would lose their collective shit if they knew he married a woman who came from a long line of heathens. My husband is still a believer but has become even more anti religious than I am over the years so it cracks us both up.

I say greet them with baby oil and gay porn...

"I'm not interested. Have a nice day." Close the door.

A large pentagram painted on the front door works wonders.

LOL. That might work, but I wouldn't do it to the letter carrier.

I was Mormon most of my life. I know the most effective cause of cognitive dissonance for Mormon missionaries are people they love who come out as LGBTQ and kind ex Mormons.

I invite them in, get them a drink, offer them food. I am very clear about who and what I am and what is used to believe. I tell them I’m aware they have a certain quota to fill with nonmormons and offer my home as refuge. They are welcome to rest, watch movies, play board games, learn to cook, come for dinner, hug my dog. My door is always open for them as it is for any other child in need of help and safety. Because they’re just teenagers far from home doing the thing they’ve been taught their entire life they have to do to be a good kid.

I inform them of my rules for discussing religion- that I won’t bring it up, I’ll leave it to them to make that decision. But if they do we operate on logic and reason and facts- not feelings and testimony. I also show them my collection of lds doctrinal books and inform them I’ve read every one. I’ve only had one missionary try to discuss and about 20 minutes in conceeded that I likely knew more than he did and he’d rather play a board game than continue the conversation.... then I kicked his ass at settlers of catan.

I’ve cycled through multiple sets of missionaries here because my family keeps sending them. They typically come back and take me up on my offer of safe space in one way or another. I fiend them on Facebook and offer to be a resource if they ever need it after going home. So far I’ve had one missionary have a crisis of faith and reach out for support after going home.

But I’m not nearly as patient with adult jws.

I tell them I am Catholic altho I have not been for 50 years!

That's a cute cartoon. When I'm in a hurry, I just tell them I'm Catholic. (It's not exactly a lie, as I was baptized Catholic!)

Back in the day, I was over a friend's when 2 JWs knocked on the door. He answered, and they introduced themselves. He invited them to tell him their whole spiel. I gave him this "wtf are you doing?" look, and he gave me the "don't worry, this will be good" look.
At the end, they offered him a watchtower, for a small donation. He gave them like a buck, and took it. At which point, he asked them "this is mine? I can keep this?" And they replied of course. He proceeded to reach into his pocket, pull out a bic lighter, and burn it in front of them.
They never came back. Lol

I ask them for sex, that usually does it.

I tell them I'm an atheist. When they ask why? I say that no gods were ever real.
That's usually enough to do it.

All you need to be polite and say "oh sorry, I was excommunicated last year". Not only will they go away, your house will be blacklisted as they can't be seen with such heathens!

All you need to be polite and say "oh sorry, I was excommunicated last year". Not only will they go away, your house will be blacklisted as they can't be seen with such heathens!

All you need to be polite and say "oh sorry, I was excommunicated last year". Not only will they go away, your house will be blacklisted as they can't be seen with such heathens!