Thank you all. I will send a card when the funeral is announced.

I would not bother the bereaved at such a time and would likely not attend services to avoid any risk of drama (folks are NOT at their best at this time). A card shows you are aware and that you are sad for the survivors in a very tasteful fashion.

Send a card and move on with your life... it is time?

Discuss it with your second husband, then accept his advice. That way, you have a perfect shield against any blow-back.

I think you should do whatever you feel like doing. It would be completely okay (etiquette-wise) if you didn't go to the funeral if that's what you're comfortable with. But I think sending a card is a nice thing to do either way.

I think a card expressing your sympathy to her and her family would be appropriate. I wouldn't go the funeral either.

Ask him, if that is too uncomfortable you probably shouldn't go. Send the card, it's never wrong to be polite.