I grew up like everyone else. Same types of expectations and social norms. I was unhappily married basically my entire marriage which lasted 17 years and ended a year ago. Before that I was married briefly to a long time girlfriend.
Shit fell apart in my marriage as it was destined to do. I had to accept the life I had been living was a total lie. I didn't know myself at all. I didn't know what I enjoyed, what I liked, nothing. I was alone. No friends or family nearby. Just me, myself, and I. We got comfortable together and had some hard conversations.
That led to what's called “ego death”. Ego goes bye bye when you realize your entire life is fucking bullshit. At 52 ain't no way to build a new ego. Suffice it to say when you step outside of your ego and leave it behind things change.
What does stepping outside of or destroying your ego get you? For me I went searching and still am but it's a different search than it would've been had I stayed inside my ego. Without ego, information expands. There are no blockers besides those I put in place. I have total freedom to explore as I see fit.
Not everyone can or will step outside of their ego. For me was less of a decision and more forced upon me. I made the only choice that made sense for me. Much growth in life isn't by choice, it's by force or fate. My choices, unconscious as many were, led me to this point.
I like to sum my life up in 3 parts.
- The pursuit of nonsense.
- The pursuit of knowledge and self.
- Yet to be lived.
If you want to explore what the ego is here's one place to start.
[psychologytoday.com]
7
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5 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I have been single a few years now.
Not having to wipe up man piss is glorious.
BufftonBeotch
Level 8
May 24, 2023
2
Don't beat yourself up too much. A little ego is healthy. And 3 out of 4 marriages don't work out nowadays, so your adverage. Your still young , I'm age 68, and the last 3 covid years were hell for me , now feeling a well being again. Like my old grandma said , this will pass too. I fall down, get up again! and go round, round, and round.
Castlepaloma
Level 8
May 24, 2023
0
Good , then your not a victom.
I understand some of this. My first marriage came about because a few of my friends were married and I was not. I wanted to "catch up" with them. Many of my experiences in those days were because of ego. I was also pursuing nonsense but did not know it at the time. As the years passed by I was more into a desire for knowledge and today I am a sort of people watcher who can see in others the stages I was once in. Looking backward it is amazing how stupid I once was. Not sure if I'm growing today or doing a damned thing for community, my life is still all about me but I am critical of myself. Today I am a lonely recluse and not sure what life I have yet to live. I prefer peace to adventure in a world controlled by corporations who want all of us to be " a good fit" into their nonsense as they try to take over your life.
DenoPenno
Level 9
May 24, 2023
2
Good fortune with your new adventures. One benefit of the loss of excess ego, at least in my experience, is that people who lose it, no longer suffer from the fear of death. Since when you truly understand your own worthlessness, then you know that nothing will be lost when you die. That is the very opposite of the narcissist's desperate clutching to things like churches, in the hopes that their fears are both justified and not folly, but that they can also buy a "get out of jail" ticket if they spend enough.
The other big gain in my experience, is that you realize the importance of everything and everyone else. Both in: Can I appreciate it/them ? ( For the person who likes both, beef and pork, sport and art, mountains and sea, men and women, adults and children, has many times the joy.) While you also understand that any true worth you may have, only exists in how much you appreciate those things, and how large a hole in the lives of those things, your departure would leave, because your contribution was taken away.
Fernapple
Level 9
May 24, 2023
2
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