A circus visited a small Irish village. One of the acrobats went in to the church for confession. The priest asked her if she was with the circus, She said she was an acrobat. The priest told her he had never seen a circus and he asked if she would show him her act. She left the confessional box and with the priest watching she turned three cartwheels down the aisle and then walked on her hands as far as the door.

There were two old ladies waiting to goto confession. One said to the other "If that's the sort of penances he's giving out tonight I'm going home to put some clean drawers on first"

A boys mom was having a meeting with other moms in the neighborhood. She told her boy to go out side and . So the boy did. After awhile the boy comes back and tells his mom I have to go to the bathroom. His mom said I told you to go out side and . The boy goes outside and plays awhile longer. The boy comes back in and tells his mom I have to go to the bathroom. The mom again tells the boy to go outside and play. The boy goes out side and plays some more. Now the boy is hurting, dancing around trying to hold it. Again the boy almost doubled over with pain comes in and tells his mom I really really have to go! His mom says if you come in and bother me and the group again I am going to paddle your butt! So they boy gos back out side and looks around. He sees a big tree that is easy to climb. So he climbs up the tree finds a split in were he can pull down his pants and sit. Just as the turds start to come out here comes the preist with bible in hand saying all good things come from heaven! Can you guess what happened? If you guessed the turd landed in the open bible you are correct!

A boy was sitting on the curb smashing ants saying god dam ants god dam ants. Then a preist came by while the boy was doing it. The preacher said son are you taking the lords name in vain? The boy looks up and continues saying god dam ants as he squishes them. The preist gets a little miffed at the boy from not getting more of a response. So the preist asked the boy do you want me to tell your mom? The boy looks up and says no and continues his words and smashing the ants with his fingers. This is getting the preist pretty mad. So the preist comes up with something he thinks will work. He says to the boy If you can tell me three things that are worthless I will not tell your mom. The boy stops and starts thinking. Then he says tits on a nun, balls on a preist and these god dam ants.

Ok, last one...a young lad went in to confess his sins. When the father asked him he said he'd been more than friendly with three local girls. The father asked who they were and he said,
'I cannae tell ye father as I promised not to tell a soul.' The Father persisted,
'Was it Theresa O'Conner?'. The youth said,
'I'm sorry, I promised not to tell'. The father continued,
'Was it Sally Mahoney?'
'I will not say sir', said the young man.
As he was getting nowhere the Father gave him his hail mary's and let him go.
Out of the confessional the lad's mate said, 'What did you get?'. His answer? 'Two hail Mary's, 5 our fathers and 2 good leads'.

There were 2 prawns, Sean and Christian, who were best friends, they did everything together. One day they were out playing in the sea when Sean saw a brightly shining fish and he swam up to it and it said, 'I am a magical fish and I will grant you one wish'. Sean thought about it and said, 'I've always been scared of sharks, I'd like to be a shark, so I have no predators'. The fish granted his wish. Sean went rushing over to Christian, who of course was petrified and hid in a rock until Sean eventually went away.
Well to start with Sean really enjoyed being a shark, cruising around, eating folk and terrifying others: but after a while he began to really miss Christian, he hung around Christian's home, but that only scared Christian, so he stopped. Eventually he began seeking out the magical fish, he spent years finding her, then one day he found her. He swam up and asked for a wish, she said, 'You've had your one wish' but he begged her to change him back and she relented.
The first thing Sean did was find Christian, at first he didn't recognise Sean, but he told him,
'It's me, I'm a prawn again Christian!'.
You're welcome

Two nuns stood against wall.. a streaker runs passed them. One nun had a stroke, then other one couldn't reach.

A man walks into his church (catholic). Steps into confessional booth and begins to recite "forgive me father for I have sinned".

The priest interrupts and says "hey, buddy I've been trapped in here for like 4 hours. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to come over here and just listen for the next 10 minutes. It's really easy there's a sheet over here with all of the sins and the penance to pay for removing those sins"

The man reluctantly agrees. Lo and behold a man walks in and begins to ask for forgiveness.

(For clarification. AP = person covering for priest; S = person confessing)

S (forgive me father for I have sinned, I had sex and I'm not married)

AP goes through sheet finds adultery (2 hail Mary's)

S (no father you don't understand, she was married)

AP goes through sheet finds affair with married individual (4 hail Mary's)

S (no no no father you still don't understand, we did anal)

AP starts searching through the sheet for sodomy and can't find it (one moment I must consult with another priest)

AP rushes out to find the priest but can't find him and finds an alter boy

AP ( hey I'm not sure if I should be asking you this but what's the penance for sodomy)?

Young boy responds flirtatiously with "two snickers and a coke... why?"

Okay I'm sorry for that one lol.

Jesus collected disciples, cut a loaf of bread and told them this is my body, eat it.
Then he poured wine in a glass and told them this is my blood, drink it.
Then he opened a jar of mayonnaise.....
The disciples shouted: Please stop !

, terrible, terrible joke!!!!!!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!"

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized .
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

But what if i look better?

My friend told me today that Moses was the first to use a tablet and downloaded the data from the cloud. It was pretty funny.

Two nuns were riding along in their nun mobile when someone pulled right in front of them, causing them to break suddenly. Sister Mary turned to Sister Theresa and said, "Did you see that? Do you think he knows we're nuns?" Sister Theresa said, "I don't know, show him your cross", So Mary wound down the window and shouted,
"What do you think you're doing you f@8*ing idiot!"

Some nuns picked fresh apples and put them on the table of the school foyer with a sign saying, 'Take only one, God is watching'. Some children came in with freshly baked cookies and put them at the other end of the table. Seeing the nuns' sign they added one of their own,
'Take as many as you like, God's watching the apples'.

What is jesus' favorite gun?

A nailgun.

A drunk staggering home by a river. A Baptist preacher is in the river baptising his people and grabs the drunk, dunks him under the water for a few seconds, lifts him back up and says..
'Did you find Jesus?'
'No,' the drunk spluttered.
So, the Preacher dunks him again for a few seconds longer.. asks the man the very same question and again the drunk replies no.
Once more into the water and then preacher asks, 'Pilgrim, tell me, did you find Jesus?'
The drunk asks, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

There's a preist a rabi and a minister on a plane with a group of kids The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes.

"We'll take them and jump," says the minister. "But the children," cries the rabbi, "we have to save the children!"

The minister snaps, "fuck the children!"

The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks,

"Do we have time?"