Divorce, why?
My best friend who was married by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon 26 years ago told me that he will be getting a divorce. I never knew anything about this religion until he explained that he and his future wife both flew to Korea and met after Rev. Moon hand picked them to be joined together in a mass wedding. He was from New York state and she was from Canada. They eventually settled in New Jersey a few house away from me. I've known them for 10 years, they are both wonderful people, have 3 well adjusted children (21, 19, and 17). Yesterday he told me his wife after 26 years of marriage (30 years together) says she no longer has any feelings for him and has filed for divorce. She claims there is no one else in her life and has lost interest in the religion that she was attached to for most of her life. I know him well enough that he is not mean or abusive in any way to her. He has been a good and loving husband. Why does she want out? He doesn't understand. Does anyone ?
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.what doesnt he understand she no longer wants to share her 1 life with him that seems ok our feelings do not mean others feel the same he thinks marraige should be forever thats not even defensible by any measurement he doesnt have to like it but unless he is a self centred idiot he must acknowledge we are all different sux but thats life and being not mean and abusive whilst fine is not much to bring to a partnership
weeman
Level 7
Sep 9, 2018
1
With that idea then marriage is a meaningless institution. I guess the idea of taking marriage vows and "till death due us part" is totally bogus. I personally think that biologically we as humans are not meant to stay partnered for life (very few species do). It goes against the survival of the species. In order for the species to survive one must continue to sow as many oats as possible otherwise we will eventually become extinct. The idea of marriage is nice but it is flawed biologically and is finally showing its true colors by how many marriages end up getting divorced in this century. Religions have had their way for centuries by telling us we must stay together for life but I think religions are now losing their foothold in today's society.
@jsbach 1st I love your handle. My favorite composer of all time tho he was an Aries.
Marriage was used for the aristocracy to forge alliances. The idea that peons received a christian wedding in the 15th century is false. Only upon the creation of a middles class with some measure of wealth & dowry has that tradition been a common one.So expectations of a lifetime alliance is absurd & is an antithesis to natural hormone driven behavior. i.e. 7 year itch, polyamory. So commit at your own risk & be flexible & generous.
PS
Marriage is necessary as a guarantee that the spawn will be cared for.
Wrong question, sweetie...."marriage, why?" Is what you need here.......it was an Arranged marriage, IMO a miracle it lasted that long, probably the woman has felt trapped for decades, but there were kids & he was "a good man", now sheccrealizes it his her one & only life and wants to try things her way.
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Sep 9, 2018
0
Normal people don't expect that "honeymoon feeling" to last forever, or even more than a few years, but it often evolves into a different kind of sustaining love. It's great when that happens. Sometimes a marriage looks good to people looking in from the outside, but they can't see that one person is doing all the emotional giving and the other all the taking. Sometimes, being nobody's fault, love dies altogether. Sometimes the fact that a man is not mean or abusive is not enough of a reason to stay in a marriage. She may not understand all the reasons, herself, why she wants out. That does not mean that her wants and wishes are any less valid than his. It's sad when it happens, but sometimes it happens. Kudos to her for ending the marriage before getting to the point where she feels like cheating on him. I wish my ex had bothered to do that.
Deb57
Level 8
Sep 9, 2018
0
I think that anyone on the outside of a relationship can't know that's really going on. I am not saying that your neighbor has been abusive -- but let me say that often abusers are very careful not to allow outsiders see what's going on.(My second husband fit this category.) I don't know how old she is, though I'm guessing she's about 50. This can be an age when people look around and realize they are not getting what they feel they need or want where they are and feel the need to get out and try to find what they DO need and want before time runs out. It can be shattering to be the one who's left, in large part because you often don't ever get the satisfaction of knowing what was going on in the head of the partner who leaves. You just have to pick up the pieces and decide what to do. Some people choose to just live out the rest of their lives without engaging in further relationships. Others do engage. It always does take some time to heal before moving in on. Your neighbor is lucky to have you as a friend.
ladyprof70
Level 7
Sep 9, 2018
1
Yes they are both in their 50's and were part of the Unification church for most of their lives. I have only spoken to him and not her yet but when I do I doubt she will tell me anything more than he told me. I just feel bad for him and the kids since they always were loving and affectionate to each other when I was with them. Did her mind become brainwashed by someone like mine did (she was seeing a psychiatrist) and then decided that the marriage was over? If that's what happens then what is the point of ever getting married? So someday your wife could pull this on you, take your kids and the court grant her alimony? He is so screwed. In NJ there is no fault divorce so I'm curious to see if she is granted child support and alimony after her leaving him. If that's the case, no more marriage for me.
@jsbach Personally I'd consider membership in the Unification Church brainwashing. Maybe she just got past all of that and wanted to think for herself. Whatever happened, there is clearly more than enough pain to go around and that's a shame. It's my experience that in 'no fault' divorces, alimony is extremely rare, although child support is usual. He might even get shared physical custody. I hope they all can find peace.
@ladyprof70 may very well be connected to her no longer being interested in the church.
@ladyprof70
As a non attorney I would think you are right and she shouldn't get alimony since she left him. There are 3 kids involved although 2 are technically adults (21 and 19) and one will be soon (17) so I don't know how she could expect child support (and alimony). They both work. Right now everyone is still living in the same house. He says they rarely speak to each other, have separate rooms and he has to cook for himself. The kids live at home as well. I don't know why she wants to even stay there.
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