lol Like a virgin?

Thanks Sandy, that did make me laugh

@ipdg77 My job here is done.

I'm with ya, there!!!

I was surprised too!

Sex. I think that's pretty much what most cis hetero men want from women. Ew.

@birdingnut, yep. not enough

@walklightly you devil you!!!

I was being obtuse on purpose. I definitely knew what he meant!

@Lisav1961 that happens to me a lot. Certain kinds of dry humor is tough to convey in print

When I saw "are you getting any?" sex was the first thing that popped into my mind :

@birdingnut Breakfast would be nice also

Sorry to hear that.

I find that I am in a similar boat and I believe it is for similar reasons. I basically can't complete the action. Not to put too fine a point on it: I can get it up, I can 'perform' but when it comes to crossing the finish line... nope. Doesn't happen anymore. At least, not through normal coitus. So, I know the plumbing all works... which is why I believe it's because I have to be IN with this person. So far, all of my attempts have been with someone who was into me, but I was still questioning my place in the relationship. I know this sounds like I was a cad for trying while still questioning my emotions... but, things don't always progress in a wonderfully paced and crystal clear way... by way of saying, I put out signs saying I was willing to take it slow... they weren't (another sign that I have learned to heed as I think my partner has to be willing to BE patient with me and help me work through.. whatever the problem is).

Hope that wasn't oversharing.

@Gnarloc, not oversharing, just a different angle. why fret about orgasm? in kamasutra & tantric practices it is actually discouraged to come to orgasm. i'd be already happy with a connection that would radiate trust & a sense of full unconditionality, to get to a playful state of no pressure, no expectations. with most men i feel as though they mentally put the cart before the horse. i got fingers for orgasm.

@Gnarloc I don't think that makes you a cad at all. You were both doing it -- just because you didn't orgasm doesn't make you wrong about it. Your mind just isn't there yet. It will be one day.

@walklightly Maybe I am cart before the horse, but my way of thinking is that sex should be a happy time for everyone participating (just two people is fine for me but I wanted to acknowledge that others might want more friends in their play).

My wife asked me a few times why she had to have an orgasm and... well, if she's not into it, I'm not into it and if we proceed for my pleasure... it feels a little bit rapey. There were times when I just had to have it, and she was perfectly willing and I had fun (and I am sure she appreciated the intimacy). There was at least once where I looked down, saw by the expression on her face that she was in pain (not only not into it, certainly willing to proceed, but she was bearing up with pain), I stopped and asked "are you in pain?" She nodded. I said "ok, we are done." And went on to explain that I wasn't about to cause her pain. We needed to figure this out so that we can both at least enjoy the act, even if we don't both ENJOY the act.

Truth be told, I love giving my lover orgasms and I think that is the best place to be with a partner, having sex, both of you trying to give the other an orgasm, ultimate pleasure. Having said that, I am in a better place as far as being 'ok' with her not requiring one... but, I still prefer it if she enjoys the act along with me.

@Gnarloc, your description of the ideal sex sounds exactly like what i fear: the pressure of performance, having to have an orgasm, the duty of "trying to give the other an orgasm". as long as sex is "i give her this", "the 'other' has to be like that" i'm not having fun. sex is not about counting favours & orgasms to me; it is a sensual & energetic fusion into the one that we've always been. but i'm realising that we live on different planets in this respect, so let's just leave it at that, please.

@walklightly I see your point and, it took me a while, but I picked up on it with my wife. I didn't mean to say that both of you must, at all costs, have orgasms, just that it should be a mutually pleasurable experience, whatever the activity (in this context, going from snuggling to full on sex).

And.. thanks for helping me to think this through to a deeper level and give me insight into myself and my 'mores' when it comes to this aspect of a relationship.

I hope it helps too

Hoping for the best.

yes, @Naeem, with you on that one.

@Naeem and @walklightly, even if @JeffLemar found a way to have sex without hurting her back, it sounds like it wouldn't be much fun for him anyway if she is incoherent from self-medicating.

@jefflemar -- I really hope the surgery eventually improves both of your lives. <hug>

I have never cheated, not even after sex in marriage ceased. When relationships are struggling I still stay with them. I knocked back many offers during these times. So now, when not in a relationship why should I deprive myself. I have some female friends I catch up with from time to time, they know I see others, no harm done. If you want it, enjoy it and no-one is getting hurt. There can be no issue.I maybe be catching up, making up for lost time, but I wouldn't say over compensating.

I never committed adultery. Okay, so I'm pulling a bit of a Bill Clinton "I never had sexual relations" hair-splitter here. Adultery (by the UK legal definition) requires a penis to enter a vagina. And that never happened behind her back (though it did with her blessing when she suddenly developed a libido and got us into swinging.)

I accept my part in the sexual dysfunction of that relationship, these days. I just don't fit with the masculine sexual role, and so my efforts to instigate sex were always clumsy at best. But for her part, I'm sure withholding sex was a deliberate effort to make me miserable. She suffered from chronic depression (though would never admit to it) and making me as fed up as she was, was one of her coping mechanisms.

My 'experiment' came when she was starting to put pressure on to start a family. I'd long since had fantasies about men, but that's all they'd ever been. Before committing this deep, I needed to know whether I was gay/bi or not. So I arranged to meet a guy, and we had (protected) sex. I didn't enjoy it at all, concluded that I was heterosexual with bi-curious fantasies, and went back to her as though nothing had happened. It was years later, when I ended up having sex with a guy I actually had feelings for (this was once we were swinging - my ex was in the room when this happened) that it all made sense. The first experience having been marred by guilt, fear of being found out, and it being about as intimate as constructing an Ikea wardrobe. The second was about being physical with someone I cared for, and it was the best sex I'd ever had, up to that point.

I suppose what I'm saying is "Don't judge anyone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes." There are legitimate reasons for seeking sex outside of a relationship. Forcing abstenance upon someone with a healthy libido should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Look at the problem that the Catholic church has with child sexual abuse, because it expects its priests to be celibate and repress their sexual urges.

Everyone envisages the cheating male as having a doting wife at home, and as much sex on tap as he wants... but he's greedy and it just isn't enough. That's so often massively detached from the truth. Some people have incompatible libidos. Some have traumatic experiences earlier in life that make sex emotionally painful. Some have physical ailments that make it physically painful, difficult, or even impossible. I don't know why humans are so hung up on the idea that you have to choose one person and both fall in love with them and be sexually exclusive with them. Actually, I do. It's about religious appropriation of sexual pleasure in order to put future generations of bums on pews.

I was married and having bad sex or no sex for years. I kinda feel like you do. Don't let anyone judge you. Live your life. Trust me when you're 80 you won't look back and say- oh no I had too much sex. Lol.

I must admit, that majority surprises me, maybe I should have refined the options and added a time factor, I mean, I am not getting any today, but his week has been ok.

@Rugglesby What about HER week?! Huh?

I know, typo. Couldn't resist.

@Gnarloc yep, I have fat fingers, was about to correct after reading your comment, but looks better this way now.

@Rugglesby do you have other nom de guerres? Is one of them Don Juan? What about Casanova?

@SamKerry I sometimes get "fat bastard"

fair enough too, but your comment made me think of a few others I left out, ie getting too much.

@Rugglesby Since you're a male, I'm surprised you thought of that!

point taken.