I moved out 6 months ago and the judge signed the divorce papers November 1st. It’s been a process for me. I’m finally comfortable being single and won’t settle for less than I deserve. I think knowing what you don’t want is a great start!

I may be way off on this, but I stopped trying to fill the spaces left by previous relationships several years ago.

I spent a long time looking at my relationship life as a checkbook - with balancing being the goal. If I had a bad experience, I tried to find a good one to balance things out.

As I've grown over the years, I've come to understand that relationships aren't that simple or straight forward. In my experience, all my relationships have been some mixture of good and bad, and that's ok.

The only thing I've really learned so far about what I want is something I've always wanted: I want to date my best friend.

I mean, yeah, all the romance stuff and sex is awesome. Ultimately, though, I want someone I can nerd out with, feel safe with, and know understands me.

For me, dating has always been difficult and painful. I've accepted that it'll probably always be that way. If I go more than a month without sex I fear I'll never have it again. I'm a bit neurotic. That's ok. It's all ok.

Instead of trying to figure things out to prevent myself from getting hurt, I've decided to focus on caring for myself. If/when I stumble across someone who wants to bang or date, I give it a go.

Ultimately, divorce breaks us. It just does. Please give yourself time to grieve. Grieving a lost marriage is blindingly painful. I know I spent some time after mine just shagging whoever was down hoping to dull the pain. No matter what I did, though, it was still there. My divorce happened 14 years ago, and there are rare times where it still haunts me.

You are worth taking the time to work through your grieving process. You deserve it.

Once the grieving process is far enough along you'll be feel like you can breath again.

Maybe I'm full of garbage. Maybe your process is entirely different from mine. Whatever the case, if you put caring yourself first, you'll make it through the darkest, hardest times - and come out believing in yourself and healthier than you went in.

I have learned a great deal from reading the comments on this post - thank you all. I've been alone for 4 years, 3 divorced, and I did hide under a rock for the first year. The second year was a disastrous attempt at dating, so back under the rock I went. I got those pretty mandala coloring books, drank wine, listened to mantra and chant music, went to therapy - all the "stuff." I'd been married for over 30 years and had no idea who I was. It had always been us.

It's no wonder we don't know what we want - because (generally speaking) we have always defined ourselves in terms of others. Like - "if I'm not in a relationship I'm a failure." And those well-worn neural pathways have very steep walls. Seeing over the top of those is part of the path. Climbing over them is another - and with scrapes and scratches, and possibly broken bones (metaphorically speaking of course) - we see the next part of the path.

Now, as the saying goes, "there was no light at the end of the tunnel, so I lit that bitch up myself." Feel your way forward in the dark. You'll know. Just enjoy yourself for now, and learn who YOU are.

When you figure out what to do could you please clue me in? Thanks.

Honesty. Faithfulness. Considerate. Kind. Willing to see your perspective when you have differences. Helpful. Self-supporting. Those should be basic requirements of a potential partner. That's not goal-oriented, but, sorry, I'm a list maker.

I'm sure there are more, but maybe that's a start?

I won't get into how I coped with my losses, but you'll be OK as long as you have self-love and self-respect.

I actually disagree with most of the people saying its important that you know exactly what you want. Personally I think you need some firm deal breaking needs, like faithful, honest, not abusive, laid back or outgoing. Beyond that I'd say just leave it open. I think the reason most relationships fail is people get exactly what they want worked into their head and unfortunately its almost impossible to find a man who lives up to it even with the internet. I also think this leads to being in love with your idea more than the person you are with. So leave a lot of open space where you don't have deal breakers. Look at the entirety of the person and judge them individually. For example, I am really attracted to short asians, however I'm also really attracted to tall redheads. When you start being specific its easy to cut out combos that would really work for you, it also prevents you from seeing things you didn't know you could like or not like.

Remember, everyone is a mixture, we all have our "don't wants" mine is women who go to the gym, all because I dated an obsessed gym junkie.
Don't stay under a rock, you would probably find me there.

Negative spaces in your life?
Fill them with other things, life is like a glass of water, you can only fit so much in, but it can be re-filled many times.

hey, I should put that on a bubble gum wrapper.

ME ME ME!!! I want to know! Thanks for this post.

Being on the introverted side, I know left to my comfortable tendencies I wouldn't leave the house much. I've also learned I'm happier when I get out, when I'm intentionally social. I would like to be in a relationship but I know it's not an answer. I play trivia at a bar with friends once a week. I get out on occasion other times. I try and be present. I put myself "out there" on here, Match, OkCupid. If I meet someone and something grows from a friendship, that would be wonderful. But my happiness will never (again) be contingent on the presence of someone else.

I’ll be watching this one for sure. I’ve had the same questions as well.

I separated in 2015 and divorced was final by November of 2106. I spent 2017 trying out the online dating scene of OKCupid. I chose to only go out those men who had thoughtful, long, intelligently written profiles, who were atheist/agnostic or who were interested in Eastern spirituality (because they tended to be very chill, kind human beings), who liked the outdoors or who had a creative hobby (photography/poetry).

I found that those that actually had some sort of creative outlet tended to be more trustworthy and kind. And ALL those I dated had 1) no sports team logos in any of the pictures 2) no motorcyles and 3) no former servicemen (no offense to servicemen, but that's just another indoctrination I don't do well with).

The guys I chose tended to be free of toxic masculinity and were often very loving.

I didn't want to have ordinary dates, either. I wanted beautiful adventures. I tended to go on 1 or 2 days with no expectations but just to go somewhere I'd either never been before, or they hadn't. I went with only the desire to make friends, not find another partner. That seemed to be the best thing ever for me.

One of them was an amateur photographer like I am and he turned out to be my best friend. We meet up about once a month at least, but we also go out places with our cameras to take photographs. The last place he took me it was to see the Sandhill crane migration spot. He constantly makes me laugh.

I met someone really into his meditation practice, who was a former neuroscience student who also spent a year at a Buddhist retreat in Oregon. I invited him out to my local arboretum and we spent hours there looking at wildlife. It was amazing when a green dragonfly landed on my shirt. And later he let an insect crawl over his hand while he was telling me about his time with the monks and I put my hand on his and the insect crawled over to me. It was just a magical moment of connection. I never saw him again after that date. He was way too young for me but a beautiful soul.

I went on a date with a math professor and he introduced me to Indian food and we spent time walking around my favorite university while he told me about how he went to college at 15. We are still trying to get together for another date but he's kind of far from me so it's hard during the winter.

I had the most chemistry with a poet. The weird thing is that while we walked around different trendy little spots in Logan Square in Chicago and we talked for 6 hours straight with no awkward pauses, I never actually felt any particular strong attraction to him. It wasn't until that parting kiss which completely bewitched me. And because of that kiss two weeks later he asked me to go a mediation and movement retreat for a weekend. I wouldn't ordinarily go away with someone I didn't know to a cabin in the middle of the woods with someone I barely knew, but as it turned out, it was one of the best gifts I could have been given. Once he sent me the information for the link, and that we'd be in a cabin with 8 other adults, I felt much better about it.

So, yeah, dating is the MOST AWESOME THING EVER!!!!

I've learned so much about myself and my confidence skyrocketed last year from having been out there exploring the world and meeting new people.

Don't bother with what you want or don't want in a person. People are such complicated things! Do you think you would fit exactly into somebody's tick list? Live your life to enjoy yourself, you'll meet many people along the way, interact with the ones you enjoy interacting with, ditch the ones you don't. At some point you'll be interacting with one more than the rest. That's the one to date!

Dont rush into anything. You , for sure, don't want to get into another bad relationship.
Start doing things that you enjoy and things will come together for you.
Try joining a gym. The exercise will really help you, and most people that I've met there are pretty cool...

Be yourself--go to activities that you enjoy so that you meet others that share your interests. Get your feet back under you, fill up the dried up places, find yourself again. You can't expect to be in a healthy relationship until you are healthy. Don't worry about finding "the right guy" for now--just let life happen and renew yourself. Listen to your gut---and when you see those things you are intolerant of then don't be afraid to say"thanks, but no thanks"--Good luck--

Yes, I'm going through it too and I'm resolved to keep my standards high and higher than they were. I too know what I don't want and I believe that plays into what I want and deserve! As tough as it is I'm learning that I have to tell myself to 1) be patient as hard as that is 2) not" settle" that's what I did in my first marriage 3) be content with the possibility I may never find someone thus, I have to be happy with me which is MOST important! I don't know you but, maybe you're not quite ready? I thought a while ago (a year ago which was 7 months after I separated) that I was ready for dating and a potential relationship. Now, in retrospect, I wonder if I'm ready now even though I feel ready moreso than a year ago. I've dated some and it really sucks at this age! I begin to doubt myself and I feel like I'd be a catch. All I know is trust your gut and be patient with yourself.

You might want to go to therapy to find out what is most important to you.

I think knowing what you don't want is good enough. It seems like people who have a checklist don't have much luck. I, over the years, have wanted a variety of combinations. You'll just know it when you see it. Don't worry.

Why is it the people feel the need to Define what they want? Go out and meet people. Go out on dates and some of them will be bad and some of them will be good and a few of them would be great. Quit over thinking and start doing or life will pass you by. By the way even the bad dates will turn into funny stories

I don't think there is an easy or simple answer to this.

I think all you can do is take some time a get over the trauma of the last relationship.

After my #1, I had ZERO interest in marriage again. But I met people, I dated, and I didn't worry about it. One day I realized I had found a keeper, though I was not looking. 20 years later we're still super happy.

Be patient, especially with yourself. Then just get out there, live your life, and see what comes of it. You will heal.

Make it about you... Make yourself again the center of the universe. You will know when you are Ready... but be as selfish as word "I". Get some attitude and direction where you want to go.

I'd love to say there is a patch that can fix it Instantly but truth is its all about distance, contemplation and soul searching you'll find what will help heal you're heart by chance or by design. My advice stop wondering how to fill in the negative and start by looking at what is positive...

For me, I had to become comfortable & content being alone. I had to reclaim myself for me & stop being W & P's mom & G's wyfe. I needed to evaluate what I wanted from & for the rest of my life & learn what makes me happy & whole. Only then could I decide what I truly bring to the table, understand my worth as an individual, and figure out what I would like in the next person I invited into my life. I would rather be alone & happy than with the wrong person & miserable.

I went from dating a narcissist, to marrying & divorcing a gold digger to dating an actual Sociopath.... so as the song goes, I Am Bad At Love. I have pretty much given up and stopped looking, and have decided to focus on my son, friends and farm, those are the things that make me happiest. I can honestly say, I can not remember if I have ever been less stressed or happier! I have decided that the only qualities of my next love interest will be that they be a Doctor; preferably a Dentist, a Veterinarian or Psychology, you know someone useful!! LOL!

Time should help. Try to think of why you want someone and start with that.

Will be going through this shortly. Would be interested in your experiences.