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Fishing for a compliment. Squish. Has this ever happened to you?

"What did you notice when I was practicing flute?" I asked boyfriend Bill last night, fishing for a compliment.

"I saw how much you enjoy playing music," Bill replied. "And how difficult it is to play flute."

I hoped he was struck by moments of beauty and clarity. Dream on. Collected myself.

"Technical things like fingering, breath control, trills and vibrato take daily practice," I replied. "Playing expressively is all heart." He agreed.

Actually, what Bill said was nice, just not what I wanted to hear.

Had to adjust my attitude. Serves me right for having big expectations.

LiterateHiker 9 June 4
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22 comments

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7

lol men are much more simple...your attempt at being coy and subtle did not work as well as perhaps a hammer on the head...I empathize...sigh...ha ha ha

@thinktwice

Clearly delusional. "Nice try," as I told my daughter.

In my case, hints have to be dropped from outer space, encased in a ton of concrete, before I even notice that something requires attention.
To me, a subtle hint to help prune the garden is phrased as "GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND HELP ME IN THE GARDEN - NOW - BEFORE I ....... etc."

@Petter

Hilarious! Love your sense of humor.

@LiterateHiker That's not humour, it's fact. Ask my wife! (Once she gets her voice back from all that shouting!)

6

You asked him what he noticed. He told you what he noticed in such a way that you know he really was paying attention. What you wanted to know was not what you asked; you wanted to know how it affected him . Maybe ask him that instead? If he's aware of his feelings and able to communicate them well, then you may get the answer. If he is honest, you may not always get the sugary compliment you're hoping for (depends on how it affects him), but honest is good.

5

Why not just take a compliment as a compliment and say thank you?

If only women were so simple. (sigh)

@jlynn37

I did thank him. Making fun of myself, as usual.

5

I'll translate this for you, from guy speak into English:
"I saw how much you enjoy playing music," = as long as I'm getting laid I can deal with this, it makes her happy and no ones gonna die from it.

"And how difficult it is to play flute." this is trickier and depending upon tone and facial expressions can mean a few different things:

  1. Thank god it's not a violin

  2. Man that's impressive. It takes a lot of time and effort to master that instrument. I hope that:
    a) she practices a lot before we do this again
    or
    b) I'm glad she's confident enough in our relationship to share this with me, and look forward to watching her improve.

  3. Sorry, I wasn't actually listening. Waaaay too distracted by what your lips were doing to focus on anything else.

  4. Some very rude thoughts about playing the skin flute that I'm to emberrased to write and he's obviously to emberrased to say.

Hope this helps.

1of5 Level 8 June 4, 2019

@1of5

Hilarious!

"Violin must be the hardest instrument to learn," Bill said.

He caught himself.

"Actually, flute is hard, too," he said tactfully. Scrambling, "All instruments are hard to learn. I never played an instrument."

I laughed.

@LiterateHiker lol. See, there was more to it than what he said. 🙂

Loved these, fun y responses lime that would make my day,but sadly I don't play the flute, but did teachmy granddaughter how to play the kazoo I got her.

@gigihein the kazoo is a much underrated instrument, much like the ukulele. Maybe your granddaughter will teach the world to respect the kazoo, like Tiny Tim did the ukulele.

Fingers crossed. 🙂

@1of5 my daughter plays the ukulele, son too. but he plays a few. instruments. the kazoo is fun for Ruby and I
Hard for her to remember to humm

@gigihein they're on the right track already. Good work.

@1of5 Thanks.

4

Yeah I’m afraid if you want someone to notice the particular little technicalities of your playing, you’ve just about gotta be talking to someone who plays the same instrument, or at least multiple instruments of their own. I’ve been playing guitar, piano and singing for nearly 20 years now and I’m just now getting settled in to the point that I can work on the really fine nuances. I’ve spent the last 4 months listening at half speed and working on how to sing the single word “warm” in Chris Stapleton’s version of Tennessee whiskey. He fits 16 notes into a one syllable word so effortlessly. I think I’m about 80% of the way there, but the layman would just say “you’re doing fine, very expressive!”

On the topic of singing flat, have you ever recorded your voice to listen back to? It’s really abysmally uncomfortable to listen to recordings of yourself at first usually but it’s very necessary to get better. The voice we hear when we vocalize is not the voice everyone else hears, but if you listen to yourself and go back and forth between listening and singing for yourself you eventually come pretty close to uniting the outside voice and the one you hear in your head. I’m just curious if you’re actually flat or if it’s just the way you hear yourself at the time. Either way, if you can at least tell when you’re off pitch, you can and will see a bunch of improvement if you’re willing to record and review yourself. It’s the tone deaf people that don’t know they’re terrible singers that can’t possibly improve lol.

Additionally on the comparison from flute to violin: I can play almost any fretted stringed instrument there is, and began picking up cello for a time to see how fretless compares; violin is without a doubt the hardest stringed instrument for a grown man to master, it sounds terrible to learn. But flute is the only instrument I’ve ever tried that I couldn’t make a sound on period, so I would say it’s the hardest instrument I’ve ever attempted to play. Eventually I got a small wooden Chinese flute and after a week or two finally found the ambusher to get a few notes. I still don’t think I could make a sound on a metal flute though.

@Wurlitzer

I have never recording my singing. At least I passed a choir audition.

For two years, I sang alto in a church choir. Fun! With a cold, I could sing high tenor, joining the men.

As an atheist, I could not stand sitting through sermons. Singing "Hallelujah, he has risen," about the virgin birth... eye roll

Feeling like a hypocrite, I quit choir. People said they missed me.

@LiterateHiker you’re probably a better singer than you think you are then! Try recording a short melody sometime if you wanna find out if the flatness is in your head or if it’s noticeable from outside though. I think it’s pretty typical for us to sound just a little flat in our heads, as long as you’re not sounding flat relative to an outside source of accompaniment it shouldn’t be too noticeable.

4

I kind of thought his compliment was better than you mastered the technical stuff. But then I am more about being with those who speak from the heart.

4

Should be reassuring. You know he'll give you an honest answer and keep your feelings protected. Sounds like a good guy.

4

In my experience, men generally don't pick up on subtle hints.
Going "fishing" usually fails miserably.

Always remember that fishing includes a pole of some sort.

@1of5 That's always the only kind I engage in.

Correct. Men don't do subtle, mostly. Big stick over the head? That works every time. (A good 50% anyway.)

2

Actually, I think his comments are insightful. I'd be happy with hearing that from a listener.

2

Just remembered

Bill said the songs I played were beautiful.

"I'm a lousy singer," I said, handing him the sheet music to When Sunny Gets Blue. "This is my favorite jazz song."

I softly sang the song so he could hear the melody. To me, I sound a bit flat.

"You have a great singing voice," Bill said.

That was sweet.

2

It is usually our ego that wants to be reinforced ,but is also usually not ready for the type of subtle compliments that come with it and with our perverted minds we can usually turn anything into subtle or not so subtle loving comments I am sure your an excellent flute player all joking aside

2

If we look for superlatives on every day occurrences, we are likely to be disappointed.

2

Try living without hints. Try direct communication instead. It's great.

2

Better than being damned with faint praise.

2

I'll bet you're an awesome flute player...................................just trying to help...............

1

One might wonder why that specific bit of praise was not just "nice to have" but a "big expectation". If dear old Dad for example didn't give you enough approval for your talents, no one else will ever make up for it. You have to adjust that in between your ears. Not saying that's it -- I don't know you after all -- but something to consider. Expectations come from somewhere. This is an opportunity to increase self awareness around that.

1

I try not to ask for compliments - I too am usually disappointed - but sometimes they just turn up from unexpected sources

1

Either the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning

1

I don't fish for compliments anymore because my insecurities can't handle the disappointment because I always seem to fish for them out of my league :< which means the disappointments are often! eeek! :<

1

I don't understand why you go fishing. You're an educated, beautiful and talented woman. It seems beneath you.

My read on your comment: You can't imagine her emotional complexity or her emotional needs, therefore you think that she shouldn't have any, and that she should just be happy with how you perceive her to be? I know that's not how you meant to come off, but word to the wise: never try to respond to someone else's problems by minimizing their concerns or feelings. It'll blow up in your face, every time.

0

I should know better that when I expect a compliment of any type and don't get it, it's a set-up for disappointment. Emphasis on "I should know better" -- then again, when I get one I didn't expect, instead of taking it in and thanking the complimenter, I'm feeling like, "who, me? Really?" I just can't seem to win!

0

I can't remember the last time I fished for a compliment from someone offline or IRL. I just do the best I can on things and hope it works out. I don't get compliments very often offline or IRL, at least that I have noticed, so I guess I have just given up on seeking them or depending on them, as far as things I do offline.

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