Well, here I am single again....
It was a good run, 11 weeks, just short of 3 months... but now it's over. And I can't even say it's anything I did, even though I'm the one who decided to end it....
Initially she showed a lot of insecurity, but I accepted that as the results of her having had (as she said) several very bad relationships, one which was physically abusive, as well as a rape about 15 years ago. She said I was the first decent guy she'd ever been with.
About 4 weeks ago, while traveling on business (again, by her account, which I accept, but I have only her word for any of this), she was assaulted by a manager in her company. The police apparently didn't find enough evidence to file charges, she says, so he still works there, in a different city- but the word went around and people in her office are talking about her behind her back and to her face. I urged her to get the EEOC involved, since she's facing a very clear harassment situation. She's afraid they would just fire her. But once you file a complaint, it's illegal for the company to fire you in retaliation. Still no dice; she is determined that she can stick it out, even though she's throwing up before work from the stress.
I also urged her to get help from a crisis center of some kind; some type of mental health professional who she can talk to and work out some of the things that are going on (not just the current situation, because she says she has whole weeks where she can't sleep, going back years). She says her insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment. I have never heard of this, but OK. How about free crisis intervention? No; she will be okay, she says; she always is eventually. How about getting a different job? No; she doesn't think she could get another one that would pay enough.
And yet, about once a week all along, I've had to reassure her that I'm not "too good for her", and that she's not "stupid" (her words!!) because I have a master's degree and she didn't finish college. Her self-esteem is in the tank. She shows all the signs of a bipolar disorder, way up one week, down to the bottom the next.
And this week, she has been refusing to see me because "she's a wreck". Finally she wrote once again that she's "not good enough" and called herself "a filthy whore" (?!?!?!?!), blaming herself for the things that keep happening to her. This time she says a waiter brushed her breast and it's her fault. (?????) I don't know where the fuck she's getting these ideas. She's brought this up before, right after being assaulted; the idea that she "did something" to bring it on. I told her; no woman ever asks to be attacked. But she doesn't believe me, she blames herself and I don't know why. She wanted to take a break. From us? I asked. From everything, she replied. I reassured her that I love her (and I do), but now she's taken off out of state after a day where we barely communicated. Normally she would have bombed my phone with a dozen or forty "I love you" messages.
So while I love her, I'm not sure she loves herself. And I don't think love is enough if she's not going to take care of herself. I am not a mental health practitioner and I don't have it in me to ride the roller coaster of her emotions like this.
So after two sleepless nights, I finally told her I had no choice but to let her go. I asked her to please get help, from a crisis center, a victim's resource center, the church (she is sort of vaguely Xian but doesn't go anymore), anywhere. And to please apply for a job somewhere else and just see what happens.
And I apologized... because I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.
So anyway... I'm single again. Time to get back in the pool and reactivate my dating profiles, I guess.
14
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28 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.This sounds near identical to a 3 year r/s I had with a Borderline disordered woman. Look into BPD… Here’s the best resource I found: [bpdfamily.com]
If you find yourself having a hard time ‘getting over her,’ please read around on that board.. It can be chilling! And if it’s BPD, she’s never really gone … so prepare yourself for another round.
Or, stay strong and resolved - and move on. I didn’t, it took me 1.5 years to figure out what I (she) was dealing with … and another 1.5 years to realize.. ..there was nothing I could do to fix it. The behavior & symptoms you describe sound eerily familiar ..and if I’m right, stay gone ~
Varn
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
0
I have to say bells are ringing, especially things like:
" highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless"
and
"People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending"
Last weekend she bought me a set of bookcases from a guy on Facebook... now I almost want to take them back to her, but that keeps me involved with her. She once made a 90 minute round trip to put a present in my back screen door for me while I was at work. At the time it seemed sweet and impulsive, but now it seems sorta scary (and at the time it seemed excessive).
Varn:
@Paul4747 Yes, bells were ringing for me while reading your description, too.. Those with BPD learn quick that sending out sexual vibes keeps them relevant, or desired. So much of what she described experiencing may have been initiated by her.
Past sexual trauma and short relationships seem a hallmark. It sounds like your instincts are serving you better than mine did at the time. Do move on, but as mentioned, expect a return visit. And if so, do not feed the beast; no drama, just your best ‘disinterested’ demeanor..
High drama. Some people employ this attention getting tactic to continually put a partner through the paces of reassuring and supporting and proving love over and over and over again. It's counterproductive because it's so emotionally fatiguing on the partner trying to be supportive. After a while you just have to declare you've had enough for the sake of your own sanity. The fact that she doesn't want to get help or go through channels to seek justice may indicate that her story is either untrue or at least over-embellished. You could expect this kind of drama or something similar throughout the relationship. It was wise to make an exit.
Deb57
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
6
I agree it could be this. I have had platonic female friends who do the same thing. I've had to let go to save my own sanity.
This story has a familiar ring to it. She is always the victim, and needs more attention, space, consideration because of it. Yes, this sounds very familiar to me.
I just don't know. There are so many little things that don't add up in retrospect. Like when the landlord had decided to sell the house she was renting and they were going to have to find somewhere else to live by August... but then she got the fish tank out of the garage and filled it woth all new fish a couple days later. I wanted to ask, is this a wise decision right now? How are you going to move it? And then the landlord changed her mind.
It's all possibly true, and she's just really bad at making decisions, but it could be like Munchausen's syndrome where she needs attention at all times and something has to be wrong so she can have that sympathy. I know, when I went to a picnic with friends of hers, we stayed all afternoon, but when she met some friends of mine, she only stayed an hour or so and then left... because I was not paying full attention to her?
I have had female friends who play this game. Some with everyone in their lives, and some who focus it just on the man in their lives. It just astounds me, especially since it's so dishonest and inconsiderate. One woman I know has kept her husband on high alert for years, and is an entirely different person when he is not around to "torture," She says he likes to prove his love for her. Nasty business. We should want to make the lives of the people we love less stressful, not more so.
Having struggled with many of the same issues she told you she was, I would say it all sounds legit. I know it sounds really crazy, but when you've been abused, getting help can be terrifying. Taking responsibility for yourself and fixing your own problems can seem out of your reach, even when there are several simple solutions available to you. Sadly, it's really difficult to get through to people who are in that state and often it's best to let them go until they are able to take responsibility so that you don't get sucked into the drama. I hope she finds healing someday. And I hope things work out for you as well.
UpsideDownAgain
Level 7
Aug 12, 2019
3
Paul, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be thankful and move on, my man. I drop this drama quick anymore. Being single is not all bad. It'll be more than ok!
Larimar
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
3
He did indeed imo clear signs . Run away will robinson
@Bigwavedave Speaking of Lost In Space, wasn't the Doctor the main danger for the family anyway? How did he last so long without just getting dumped out the airlock?
Danger, Will Robinson! Dr Smith is a pedophile!
That is very sad for her. And she needs professional help. You did the right thing. I am sorry. That must be very hard. But truly, you can not help her.
GreatNani
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
4
Thank you. I'm truly not fishing for sympathy. But the thing is, I don't know many people in "real life". Y'all are really my family now more than anyone.
I have shared most of this with my daughter, but there are still some things you don't talk about with a 15 year old in that much detail... at least not if you're a divorced dad.
Varn:
@Paul4747 Was going through a divorce that eventually took the family farm when I’d experienced much of the same. Had two daughters to finish raising, too. If I’d dare describe the stuff pulled on me, they’d get angry, then spout, “That’s Middle School stuff!” Really put it into perspective 
Stay strong ~
I have met many people like this. Their lives are a constant barrage of abuse, bad luck, persecution and disappointments. But at what point in your life do you cease being a victim and become a volunteer?
TheoryNumber3
Level 8
Aug 11, 2019
2
I've had insurance before that didn't cover mental health, specifically, the services I really needed the most. The USA doesn't take mental health seriously. So that can happen. But idk about the rest... She might be a train wreck about everything else, it's hard to say.
Kat
Level 5
Aug 11, 2019
3
What a nightmare experience! I’m happy you were able to find the strength and resolve to leave.
Her issues are extreme and recurrent. Unfortunately, no one can help her but herself, though it sounds like that’s not gonna happen ... at least anytime soon.
Apunzelle
Level 7
Aug 10, 2019
3
Good decision, man, she seems to have troubles surrounding her wherever she goes, and that's a bad sign. I'm sorry that you still love her because that makes it more difficult but you can do better. Good luck!
Merseyman1
Level 9
Aug 10, 2019
2
@merseyman1 I agree . Absolutely.
You sound like a very kind and compassionate person. It sure sounds like you did what you could to encourage her to get the help she needs. I hope she does eventually.
Best of luck to you, you seem like a keeper.
Marcie1974
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
2
Thank you. I think I'll find the right one someday.
"not sure she loves herself ?" Clearly she does not. Sounds like layer upon layer of issues that were birthed way before she met you. While I understand falling for a screwed up one (having done it), she sounds like a handful of trouble. I retired from "fixing" people long ago. The only good "fixer-uppers" are houses !
Best to ya !
evergreen
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
2
You cannot fix "that broken". Find someone who has something to contribute! When yourpredominate state is worry/bolstering, it is not a relationship other than caretaker÷patient.
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Aug 10, 2019
2
Well put.
Yes, and were did all your concern, time, and money go?
Most women always state men are the Evil ones who take advantage of poor little women!
I have found there are so many women scammers, frauds, fakes, and trolls!
I get sick of women preying on mem and never get what they deserve, the earned label of Predator!
They offer you so much, then when they get everything that they can, goodby!
The sad part we never see it coming!
I have lived this a few times, so do not tell how stupid or naive, at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do to help and aid another!!!
What a joke on me!!!
of-the-mountain
Level 9
Aug 10, 2019
1
"There's good and bad people on both sides".
Oops! I think a stupid clown said this before on a different situation??
Um... you've misread this one entirely. I'm the one who feels like he took advantage.
She once drove 90 minutes round trip to give me a gift, leaving it in between my screen door because she knew I was at work. Last week she bought me bookcases from a guy on Facebook because I have books on the floor, and drove them up here. Her money. She gave me a pillow. I would give it back, but I don't want to get back into her life even that much. (And it would be insulting.)
This was no gold-digger. Maybe kind of clingy and obsessive, but not after my money.
way to make a post about a guy complaining about his breakup about your bitterness and misogyny towards women... you are a piece of work... get some help yourself, you need it.
Sometimes you can't save a drowning person because they don't seem to even want to try to survive or just don't have it in them to survive any longer. Sounds like you did as much as possible for her. Time to save yourself and not let her pull you under. Like, LL, I am curious if it's someone from this site, so I can stay clear of her myself.
TomMcGiverin
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
0
From OK Cupid.
Drama queen. Some people thrive on drama and conflict and she sounds like one of them.
Sgt_Spanky
Level 8
Aug 10, 2019
1
Society and media and the CJS and even toxic family/religions have women blaming ourselves for our own victimization. It is a type of internalized misogyny. It is also sometimes a coping mechanism in which a victim convinces themselves if they just do A-Z right next time or avoid certain things they will never be a victim again! It is a way to try and reclaim control however, as seen by your ex, has toxic effects for those that are re-victimized. Hopefully she eventually seeks out the help she needs. Poor lady
demifeministgal
Level 8
Sep 2, 2019
0
Thank you! You just pointed out a whole bunch of reasons why I should be happy I am by myself. Not that I needed reassurance, all I have to do is hang around with many of my married friends for a time and it makes me appreciate it already! Like my cousin and his wife who were here Saturday night and I went up to see the new bathroom I had done upstairs, and she proceeded to tell me how I had chosen the wrong paint colors and should repaint it immediately! I told her that is at least one reason I am not married, I am no longer always wrong, no matter what I do! LOL And I don't have to remodel my house (as they do) every six months because the tile and colors or decor are not trendy! SMH Learn to enjoy spending time by yourself Paul, you may just get to appreciate it at some point. I have been for almost 15 years.
Barnie2years
Level 8
Sep 2, 2019
0
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