So... would I get in trouble for writing something like this?
While browsing dating profiles on a site that I shall not name (coughMatch.comcough), I came across this one, which made me feel distinctly uneasy. I quote the line directly.... "I am open to all races but prefer to date men who have dated black women before." (Yes, the writer was an African-American lady.)
I could not, at first, say what made me uneasy, and then it hit me. It's racist. I mean, isn't it? Since, if I posted in my profile, "I'm open to all races, but prefer to date women who have dated white men before", that would be a racist statement, right? What's so flipping special about dating white men? What special requirements do we have?
And so, by analogy, what's the issue with "having dated black women before"? Is there some manual that I haven't read? Aren't all people the same? Isn't it intrinsically racist to bring up the topic of race in this context, where it's completely irrelevant and gratuitous?
Or am I way off base to feel this way?
Aren't we supposed to treat everyone the same now?
2
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9 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Although you would treat everyone the same, not everyone would, so I can understand her point.
“White” is the assumed baseline of normal on dating sites, and I think she’s pointing out that she would be different. She may have suffered indignities or slights for this before (for something as simple as hair texture/care) and wants to avoid it again. She doesn’t want to train someone on black culture, or be a novelty.
Are you offended when someone specifies that glasses are off limits? Or height? Age? Bust size? To me, those preferences are far more banal, maybe even a bit offensive, yet it saves me time to know beforehand that someone has those biases. I don't find her racist.
Lauren
Level 8
Oct 11, 2019
1
It seems to me that the person is stating a preference. They could say don’t want to date anyone from North Wales or Bristol or prefer blond to brunette. Or maybe “I’m straight so gays need not apply.”
Where is there a line drawn so that a person can say what presences they have whether they be sexual or culinary. “Vegetarian, no meat eaters please”.
Is that a prejudiced statement?
Geoffrey51
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
2
I think maybe you should Mind Your Own Business. Period.
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Oct 10, 2019
0
I tend to agree with you. I mean, she essentially prefaced the subject by saying "I am open to all races...." She could have omitted that bit: "I prefer dating men who have dated black women before." She also could have said, "I prefer not to date men who are only looking to date a black woman for the first time, for whatever reason," if her actual concern related to that issue. Or an even more generalized statement about being an experiment.
Apparently, it makes a difference when a minority group says crap like this, since it seems to make it more acceptable.
bingst
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
1
This is exactly my point. It's the equivalent of "N-word privileges". I can't say it.
It is not intrinsically racist. There are some common social things that come up with interracial dating, and I understand completely why a black woman would prefer a man who's already woke to them. I would also prefer a black woman who has dated white men before.
BitFlipper
Level 8
Oct 10, 2019
3
Most likely she doesn't want to be an experiment for a man's fantasy.
She wants a man who is already comfortable dating black women. That's understandable.
LiterateHiker
Level 9
Oct 10, 2019
2
I agree with AnneWimsey 100%, but I believe that you nailed down her motivations.
It's not that you're off base. It would be nice if we could treat everyone the same. At the same time, we are far, far from being the same.
When it comes to a relationship, people expect to spend a LOT of time with their prospective partner. The truth is that people do develop an affinity for certain cultural behaviors and activities.
One could generalize about what behaviors and activities go with what culture, and people take heat for those generalizations. Still, generalizations are useful for descriptive purposes, and if one withholds judgment long enough to convey an association between race/ethnicity and behavior, one will make a statement like what you posted.
A man who has experience in understanding behavior and activities associated with a Western Black woman is more likely not to be put off-balance when they are in the midst of unfamiliar behavior and activity. Some men are more adaptable in that way than others. The lady may be seeking to give insight into her fondness for her own culture.
racocn8
Level 9
Oct 10, 2019
3
I'll have to think about that one.
There's no one "culture" associated with any ethnicity, though, is there?
@Paul4747 Culture will be manifested in physical objects or in behaviors. Each of these possessed objects or behavioral memes will be associated with people identifying with a culture at some (generally higher) level of probability or frequency than in other cultures.
Gamers are likely to have pewter dragons and engage in role-playing games...
It extends beyond familiarity with the other's culture. There are many social situations that can go rough or smooth depending on each person's comfort level and adaptability.
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