@Redheadedgammy Reading your post makes me tear up, knowing and feeling your pain. Chin up, in trying times!

@Justme43 Thank you for your kind words. I know you are going through your own painful loss too. I do hope life is becoming easier for you.

Sighs I feel like we're force to move on because we're are still alive and still have life and responsibilities to deal with. I can't grieve the way I want. Thank you for sharing.

@bluefairy you’re right, life does somewhat force us to move on, especially if one has children to care for, or older family members. I have learned over the past two years that you must make time for yourself for self care, for alone time, for moments to cry. I hope that you can find a way to grieve in the way that works for you so that your healing process can go forward. This site has been my refuge for the past two years, and I hope it will for you as well. Sending a big hug your way.

My condolences hun.. I know this place is a scary place to be. My father is very ill and I'm sort of trying to figure out a coping mechanism to deal with it when it happens... My post was prompt from losing another love one.

@bluefairy I have found that having close friends and family who won’t judge is really helping. I look past the thoughts and prayers as them expressing their feelings. Every day is different but I am learning to not have any expectations and not be apologetic for my sadness and the allow the grief process happen. Self care is also important. Wishing you strength through your difficult times. Thanks again for sharing

@AngiePoo You are a more tolerant person then I.

Even though I recognize their intentions are likely not sadistic, when I hear, "She's in heaven a better place now. It was God's will. Jesus called her home." etc. After significant loss, to me these obscene assertions are equivalent to poring salt into an open wound. I find it difficult not to argue how ridiculous such fantasy based assertions are as from an intellectual point, they are (unintentionally) talking down to me with argument I outgrew when I was in early grade school. Attempting to place me in the position of a needy (belief in Santa-clause age) child. So in addition to the baseless supernatural assertions of an afterlife, they are claiming unjustified superiority in their theist superstition position over my reality based position. When confronted with those platitudes, I firmly respond, "Seriously. Don't go there." and repeat as needed.

@NoMagicCookie I completely understand and saying that they’re in a better place or god called them home is where I do draw the line. No one has crossed that yet and I just avoid the long conversation about death during this time. Most people who know me just offer condolences and prayers and leave me alone. I figure that is the best way they deal with death so the prayers are to make them feel better not me. I often get upset about the thoughts and prayers any other time but with my fathers death I haven’t had the energy to even respond.

@AngiePoo "Thoughts and prayers" usually triggers an eye-roll on my behalf but if under the context of a loved one's death, I would not be a happy camper.

Over the years, a few of my students have lost their parent/s. When they ask me why their (usually mother) died, and what happens to (mother) after they die, I respond, "The good your (usually mother) contributed still lives in you. . . .

Most sorry you lost your father.

Hope you find a path to ascend from the daunting loss of your (what I am guessing) loving and loved father.

@NoMagicCookie I know this post is a few days old but I love this reply. When I hear Blank is in a better place I want to tell people to take their better place and shove it.

Sending hugs

You're right... I need these first few weeks to go quickly

Thanks for sharing. Can I ask you something? You lost your dad 40 years ago, how do you feel about it now? I'm guess it's easier to deal with now but if you think about it does it still hurt like a fresh wound or it's still mild. I'm 34 and my dad is very ill right now. It hurts think I might live to 80 without him. How I do live 46years without someone I love??

@bluefairy Many of us lose people because those people are in pain. The knowledge that their pain has ended makes the grief much easier to bear. My dad was a severe alcoholic and suffered from it both physically and emotionally. Emphysema actually killed him but he had zero quality of life for the last year. Despite all that I adored him. He was a really special guy who probably influenced my ethical values more than anyone else. I still think of him often . Time has dimmed the sad times.

Love hurts . You were lucky to have found someone you loved , for so long . Some of us never find that . The tears are little bits of your heart . Hugs , Hon .

@Cast1es Thanks. She was a gem! We maybe had 5 or 6 “serious” arguments in those 55 years. We always said “respect” was the secret to a happy marriage, and THAT we had!

I am sorry for your loss, I know what it feels like, I lost my wife over 2 and a half years ago, and there are days that I sit in the front room and remember, and cry. We were married for 40 years, she was 5 years younger than I was, however, she had an advanced case of Alsheimer and that was what took her from me. I've lost parents brothers, and friends and none of their deaths hit me as hard as hers did and is still doing. It's not easy adjusting to the new normal, however, in time it does get a little easier. Mourning is something that you just get over, it takes time, give yourself all the time you need. As you can tell, I am still mourning. Sorry, that this seems a little pessimistic, but I am Russian and we are used to these things.

Thank you very sharing. I think you're response is basically how I might cope ♥️♥️

@MrDragon Even though you're grieving still. I can't help but feel really happy you all were able to find someone to spend a life time with. I can only imagine how hard adjusting can be.

@MrDragon Yeah, I said loosing a father was difficult, a loving mother was worse, but loosing the love of your life must be the most painful. Having one daughter, who is still alive, I can't say (and hope I'll never know) how terrible it must be to loose a child. We almost lost ours at the age of 7 with a brain tumor, but she survived and is well at almost 48. She and her son have been the only thing keeping me going after my wife passed. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and can feel for you during your pain and sorry. I've always had an unexplaned empathy for the Russian people with all the hardships you have had to endure throughout the centuries. I have an ancestor from the Ukraine, Anne of Kiev. She was a Great-great- grandmother, so many times ago If I believed in rebirth, I'd have to say I must have been Russian in a former life, what other reason would an old farm boy raised in the hills of western Kentucky, USA, have such interest in all things Russian? Strange!

Ahh! This is a great way to look at it. I love this. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing

Crying does help to be honest

@bluefairy Never be ashamed to cry no matter where, when, etc, you are.
Those that make snide comments about your shedding of tears should be the ones to feel shame, not you.

@Triphid sometimes I just wish all he hurt would go with the tears...

@bluefairy The tears you shed will lessen over time but, sadly, the memory of the loss will linger on for your whole life.
Focus as much as you can on the Good times, the Good Memories, etc, etc, as much as possible even when you feel as though you are in the darkest of dark holes with no visible way out it WILL help, this I know for certain as I've been in those dark holes and finally found my way out of them.
I don't know about you or anyone else for that matter, but the worst thing to encoutner is some person who says so patently and blandly " I know where you are coming from," and yet they have NEVER been in such a situation.
It has been almost 20 years since Lorrae, my beloved daughter succumbed to cancer, and only yesterday did I feel that I was ready to begin clearing away all her School books, etc, that I had, literally, hoarded up.
Though, having said that, I do intend to keep ALL the photos of her that I have, some of her best drawings/sketches, etc, that she did of horses, etc, and will never remove nor destroy my 'Garden of Rememerance' that I built for her, completely by hand btw, that every year on her Birthday and the Anniversary of her Death that I light the 'Flame' in.
Though, to some, it may look like the paths are in the shape of a Cross, it IS actually in the shape of the Ancient Egyptian Ankh, the symbol for Life, Love and Rememberance, made with the exact specifications of the Royal Cubit as used in ancient times, faces East to greet the morning Sun and West to bid farewell to the Sun as it sets each day.
The Horse Statue is representative of both her love of horses and the very old method once used by Sculptors to depict if the person being Memorialised succumbed in Battle to wounds ( as per the horse rearing up in Lorrae's case) or standing either with all 4 feet on the ground or just one raised as in they died much later after the battle or from old age.

This is just beautifully put. Thank you for sharing

Thanks for sharing. I buried some close to me this morning but I'm worried about how I'm going to handle the death of my very ill father. I'm searching for a coping mechanism. I think the hardest part is to actually get up and doing the things I love to do distract myself.

@bluefairy Sounds like you are wise in assessing your position.

If you think you need help, it is perfectly healthy to seek assistance with dealing with such significant loss. If you decide this could help, I would recommend the secular therapy project. [seculartherapy.org]

This is beautiful way of explaining it. Thank you

@bluefairy you’re welcome, and I’m very sorry for your loss.

@bluefairy This is how I describe what I went through when my mom died in 1990, three days before my 29th birthday. You will feel happy and be able to laugh again, even if you can’t imagine that now.

@Pjsmylz sighs it's the journey to reach back to that point...

@VeronikaAnnJ Thank you my dear.