U gonna have to hear me out ,
Sorry friends ,
But here we are

I moved back to ED/ trauma officially a week ago . Yay ! HOME !

No more covid MICU for me and my team , one by one , we are all re United at the place we feel alive .

Well . 7 OD cases later , 2 gunshots , and a 8 yr old who was stubbed by mother numerous times , yeah , fuck that too , I forgot , fuck my life . But at least I know what I am doing , at least I know what I am dealing with .

Last night I got an email by administration that did not sat well w me . They asked me to report at critical care coordinators office at 0900 . No explanation .
And I thought , “ what the fuck I did now ? “ Run through my tiny brain everyone I treated for weeks . And most importantly , EVERYONE I POSSIBLY TALKED TO FOR WEEKS . bcz u know , I am not exactly famous for my great tact and diplomacy at the hospital .
And i started thinking, here comes the Human Resources meeting I am sure , “ pls ms Mara , help us out , watch your words , and blah blah blah “ ...
I have heard that speech so many x in my 22 yrs , ain’t even funny !

But some how, yes , I get away w crime . I know , and I am thankful to all my nurses who watch over my mouth and through the years they taught me how to breathe , and how to zip my lip and smile . I know .
But this morning , I walked up stairs with not a great feeling in my guts .

I was greeted by nobody , the secretary that I know for 100 yrs , and I am pesting her for 100 yrs to return to school and get something better than this in her hands and her wallet , that’s was it !

She took me back down to the elevators 15 long minutes later , and to the main entrance of the hospital , and fuck this , I thought , really ? Back to lobby ? What the fuck , m I fired ?? What did I do ???
At the lobby , when I got out , there were 400 plus humans , most I know , some I care for , few I love ( my team !!!), and some that couldn’t care less , but ok !

There were flowers and this and that , and honestly can’t remember much . All I know is that I am not fired , I did nothing wrong , and they just gave me an award for the 15 months of leading the MICU / covid .
Patients , and family member of patients who are gone , family member who I only seen and communicated via iPad , were there too ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Well . I cried my eyeballs out . I looked like a troll after 13 hrs , plus tears . I looked for my nurses and rest of assholes , I wanted to make sure the hospital knows we did this all togheter ?? My work kids , my babies , these assholes ! ♥️♥️♥️♥️

When the whole thing it was done , I got back in my car , texted this pictures to my sister in Italy , as my team were keep sending them in my phone , while in traffic , and I had another good cry spell .

I don’t f know y . I am not sad . I am kinda proud to tell u the truth . Yeah . We did good . I did good . It was hard , man . It wasn’t like anything we did b4. And I feel relief .

Bcz life at ED is getting back to normal ,
bcz I don’t have to talk to family members via iPad ,
bcz most of my grandmas Moses w COPD are going to make it ,
and bcz I can eat snacks and Nutella again and drink water .
I know I sound stupid to most of u ,
And that’s alright . The last 3 years u should know , not the brightest ♥️
What I want u to know , , Is “ thank u “ too .
U helped me many nights . W all ur posts . And the news . And the talks . And the memes . Even the arguments . Actually , especially the arguments .
I am going to bed , my “ award “ behind still has to go in tonight and hate everyone at ED.
I love u guys . Be safe . ♥️