I really doged a bullet there. He does not seem like a nice man. I'm relieved.

I agree. He was probably just out for the ego trip of seeing how many women he could rack up that would agree to meet him, and still get his kicks from standing them up. There are some real sick puppies out there, of both sexes, that get a kick out of standing people up, both from the power trip of feeling in control or superior, and also from being wanted by others. I have heard plenty of stories from the front of there being lots of people who use dating sites simply for entertainment or ego boosts by seeing how many people they can connect with and be attractive to, or how many they can line up to meet them, all with no intention of actually meeting anyone in person, much less actually dating someone. Very sick and selfish.... Probably has a lot in common with porn addictions....

I had a nice walk to the lake with my doggie, and said "hi" to a neighbor. The idea of a treat seems so soothing in these times so maybe tomorrow. Thanks.

That's terrible that it happened to you four times. Did these women give any excuse for their behavior, or did they just ghost you? There is a culture of rudeness these days which I don't understand. Was anger simmereing inside all these people, just below the surface? Did today's culture embolden them to start behaving badly? Ever since my former husband came out as gay, and we split 8 years ago, I've been dipping my feet into the dating pool. The waters are pretty polluted, though I have met some nice guys along the way. They're the ones who live thousands of miles from me, unfortunately. Maybe I should move.

@Organist1 Where to start? One woman simply said she forgot about the coffee date, after I got home and confronted her with a message on Match. Another said that she assumed, wrongly, that I had changed my mind about meeting her because four days had gone by since we agreed on the plans and I hadn't messaged her after that to confirm my interest, etc., which to me felt way too much like parenting or being responsible for stroking someone's ego and making them feel important just to get them to keep their word and show up. That woman apologized when I messaged and confronted her, asked me for another chance and I told her I would pass, since I couldn't trust her. The other two, I can't remember why they didn't show, but they didn't express any apology for standing me up. It's cold and brutal out there. I remember that first woman who stood me up was a nurse and all her profile pics showed her never smiling. My younger female friends told me that was a tipoff about her personality, that she had a "resting bitch face" in those pics, so I try to avoid women in the future with that trait.

They didn't ghost me, I wouldn't say. They just didn't show, and then we never met later either. I can imagine your former hubby coming out as gay had to feel shocking and like a real betrayal, that would really do a number on your mind. I do think there is a lot of passive aggressive type anger in many of these people, projected onto the opposite sex for things their ex or maybe other men later, have done to them. I never see this sort of behavior from widowed women, probably because their experience with relationships is more positive, so they don't act out against the opposite sex.

As far as moving away for a better dating pool, I have had that suggested to me by lots of ignorant people on here, but I would never do it. I don't know about you, but I need the emotional and social support of my local friends way too much to risk moving away for some uncertain prospect of finding a partner while meanwhile I am living in a city where I have no friends or local support system, hoping to snag a long term partner soon after I move there. Much easier and less painful in theory than in practice.

@TomMcGiverin It's a funny thing about straight spouses of gay partners, and there are a good many of us: When we finally find out what the real story is, we are usually relieved, because we know why our partners have been treating us like roommates all these years. No one is to blame; it's just the way it is. My ex and I are friends now; it's not his fault or mine.

As far as the resting bitch face is concerned- that's priceless! I think there must be a male counterpart to that, and maybe it's the empty stare of a sociopath, standing with his arms folded next to a sports car. Some pictures just send a chill up.my spine.

@Organist1 I think you are right about the male counterpart of resting bitch face. Both types have a cold, hard stare in their pics, and they have no real empathy or warmth for others in their heart. I have tried to learn from that experience with that woman and never message women with only pics like that. In fact, after I confronted her about standing me up, she simply said she forgot about it and didn't even apologize for it. And to think that she is a peds nurse, like you, it kind of chilled my spine... The guy standing next to the sports car sounds like the typical macho sociopath, but what's really sick is that plenty of women would find that look, and the sports car with it, to be a real turn on. There's no accounting for taste....

It's because he posted more about himself, and more pictures after I'd already said I'd meet him for lunch. The things he posted weren't very attractive.

@Organist Maybe when the meeting was arranged, he wanted to be sure you recognized him. And/or wanted to post something to talk about? Anyway, he was inconsiderate not to inform you as soon as he saw he couldn't be on time. I salute you for your efforts. Good luck.

@Organist1 so why meet him at all im old fat and ugly but I don't meet unattractive men ever

@whiskywoman It wasn't so much that he was physically unattractive; I enjoy talking with a wide range of people. I found out he was an ex-Green Beret, and into all that military crap. To me, this was a big turn-off. Plus, in a full-length picture, he had a giant, and I do mean GIANT beer belly. Ick. I'm willing to overlook a lot, and am far from perfect myself, lol!

@Organist1 I know its bad of me but the only fat person in my meetings is me and I talk to dozens too but before a meeting most men piss me off or are just not what im looking for and bellies are a def no no .....

@whiskywoman Yep... and I did not see the belly before I made the date. From the chest up he looked okay. He said he was a musician, and so am I. He's local. I'm always open to playing music with people.

Exactly right! His behavior is unacceptible, and would only get worse as time went on.

I thought it would be better, because older people would know more about what they want. However, the older dating pool has lots of people with drug and alcohol issues, not to mention personality disorders which are ingrained and difficult to treat. It's a sad prospect.

@Organist1 Exactly right, Gail. The diff between the younger and older dating pools, is that, with maybe the exception of the widowed, the older pool is mostly rejects and recycled folks, who have good reasons why they are not coupled, usually, like you say, because of either addiction issues or personality disorders, sometimes both, which are long-standing and unlikely to change. That is why I continue to be amazed at how many divorced women seem unwilling to date widowed men, maybe because they fear competition or comparison with a dead woman, who knows? But logically speaking, it would make sense for them to consider the possibility that the widowed men might be better potential partners than another divorced man, unless what the woman is really after is sympathy, understanding about her hurts from her divorce, and a shoulder to cry on. And if that is the case, they really haven't moved on from the divorce, nor are they really ready for another relationship. But that is probably common for people who refuse to get therapy after a divorce.

@Organist1 Hi Gail. I wanted to add another thought about the dating game that came to mind recently when talking with my therapist about the is subject. While, on the one hand, you would think that older would know a lot more about what they want, like you said, the paradox about that that seems to run in the dating game, and I assume it runs with both sexes, is that the vast majority of women in my local dating pool on Match not only know what they want, but they seem to feel they know TOO MUCH exactly what they want, and end up using an unreasonably long checklist of traits and dealbreakers that they feel the must satisfy to end up with a compatible partner. And the paradox is that so many of these standards are either outdated or irrelevant to what qualities and characteristics might actually be necessary and helpful to the relationship working. Two examples of these standards are that the guy MUST have kids to be compatible, even when both Match members are in their 60s, come on....Another is both people having to drink alcohol with the same level and frequency, again, I say, come on, is it really that crucial, assuming both people are open-minded, reasonable, and somewhat tolerant? Too many seem to get caught up in treating it like shopping on Amazon, and then they wonder why they still end up alone and unhappy. Why do I suspect this? Because I have been on Match a total of four years now, active for three, and I still see many of the same faces and profiles of women, that are even still active, so they either are not looking for an LTR, or are not into monogamy, but I doubt that either of those are the case with more than a few of them, since my local culture and lifestyle mainstream is pretty traditional about that stuff. So, while none of us want to just settle, the standards of most people seem to be unrealistic, narrow and rigid, and ultimately self-defeating in most cases.

I have standards, and even a few dealbreakers too, but I don't want to stay alone indefinitely, so I try to make my standards realistic for not only how far out of the mainstream I am on culture and lifestyle for my local dating pool, but also the fact that I am bald and average-looking, which also limit my prospects of how many women in my dating pool will accept me for dating. If only most people were so sober and realistic about their standards and what it will take to find love and compatibility.

@TomMcGiverin Hi Tom, That sounds so unreasonable that someone should want someone else to have kids, or to drink at the same rate! What that sounds like to me is someone who has a high amount of rigidity or OCDish personality. Ironically, two of my must-haves are flexibility and openness, though they seem almost the same. I think that one of my problems is that there are so few relatively healthy men my age or older (and they mostly all are looking for younger women). The ones who are out there often have sordid histories, or habits I wouldn't want to deal with. My must-have list is short: high intelligence, and a sense of humor, and no alcoholics or addicts. Also, they must be attractive to me in a way that is not movie-star attractive, but there must be some chemistry there. They would have to be fit enough to walk a few miles, as I love to walk, but don't have to be able to run a marathon! I wouldn't date someone who is morbidly obese, but a bit overweight is fine. That seems like a reasonble list to me. However, when you consider how few healthy men my age there are left, combined with intelligence, you would realize the dating pool is vanishingly small. We're talking about probably 1/10 of 1% here. In the last 3 years, I have had 4 relationships, and really 2, when I consider that the last two lived far away, and didn't want a long-distance relationship. Still, we met, traveled together, or stayed together for a while, and got to know each other. What I am left with from that is two consistent, nice pen pals, with whom I share points of view, nice memories, and the occasional phone call. The two before that were: an alcoholic, and secretly married, respectively (a deal-breaker). I really think, that although age is only a number, the majority of eligible men in my dating pool age looking for women in their 40s, 50s, or early 60s, and have the same bodies they had in high school, and are not willing to go outside of that a little bit, for someone with creativity and wit.

@Organist1 Sounds like we both have very similar dating pools, in that when you weed out all the incompatible people and also factor in how many have unreasonable checklists and standards on their end, such as, in your case the guys who won't date in their own age group, and in my case, the women who are divorced (which is the vast majority of my dating pool) and won't date men who are childless, widowed, non-religious, or non-drinkers, in my case it leaves me with about 2-3% at most who are compatible on both my end and theirs. And it's not like I have that many dealbreakers. Like you, I want someone who is at least somewhat physically attractive to me. For me, to be blunt, it means someone who has at least some curves, and is a solid 6 or 7 on a scale of 10 in looks. The dating puddle for me is so bad, that I am open these days to even dating someone 11 years older than me, even tho I am worried that it could end up setting me up for losing my second partner in a row to death sometime in the next decade or so, but I don't have much choice, as the younger women seem too demanding and unrealistic in their standards. The women older than me seem to be more reasonable about just wanting a good man who is not unattractive, instead of the perfect man or Prince Charming. The ones who are still interested in dating by their mid-70s also are just looking for a good companion, not perfection, as they realize their time left on this rock is not unlimited anymore.

Unlike most men my age, I am fine with dating someone older than me, as long as their health is good and they are in better shape than most of their age peers. My late wife was 15 years older than me, so I have always been this way once I hit middle age, and if all other compatibilities are ok, why not date older? I guess I must be more emotionally mature and secure than my fellow men my age because I am not thrown by dating women anywhere from several years younger to 11years older, if they are all equally compatible otherwise.

@TomMcGiverin It's still hard for me to wrap my head around those must-haves which you are encountering from women in your dating pool. Perfection is not possible at any age! You could bump into a person on the street, start up a conversation, and find an instant attraction, and whether that woman had children, drank exactly as much as you do, or other silly, superficial things, wouldn't matter at all. You can't order a person like you can an online pizza.

I put off getting married until I was in my middle 30s, and married a younger man. He seemed sweet, gentle, quiet, very intelligent, and was the funniest person without trying to be. Attractive, too, at least to me. How was I to know that 26 years later, after being treated like just a roommate all those years, I would find out he was gay. It explained everything. So I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years, and now, I guess I would make sure the man I was dating isn't secretly wanting to be with men. I have one son who is also gay. Is it genetic? My ex-husband and I are friends, and he is now in poor health, because he didn't take care of himself. You can never tell how long someone's health will hold out. My maternal grandmother smoked until she was 96, and quit because she was afraid it might affect her health (!) She, along with many of her sisters, lived to be over 100 (103, exactly). My mother lived to be 75, and was an active alcoholic and smoker for much of that time, unfortunately. I often wonder if she might have lived a long life were it not for the booze and cigs. That's why taking care of my health is important to me. Life is a crap shoot, but prolonging it in good health is the best we can do.

@Organist1 You are so right on both points. On the first one, you hit it right on the beginning, the women have rigid and unrealistic demands and requirements because online dating makes it so easy and encouraging for them to treat it like shopping on Amazon for a household appliance. And that is exactly how they treat it. No wonder they end up alone and unhappy, as they lose sight of how they are actually dealing with flawed, complex, holistic human beings, not inanimate objects on a shelf, which, by nature, is messy and takes time and effort to deal with, getting to know a stranger and get past both their defenses and your own. But they want it quick, simple, and easy for them, same as shopping on Amazon. And I have no doubt that guys are no better, in most cases. They go almost entirely on looks, rather than other qualities, and most of them refuse to date someone their own age, I am told, by other women, not just you, much less date someone older.

And on your second point, yes, once you reach your fifties, even if you have taken good care of yourself, genetics often rears its ugly head, and something can happen anytime to a partner's health, so it is a crapshoot as to how long they may live after you meet them. That's why the marriage vows say, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.

@TomMcGiverin We are the last generation to have grown up in a world without the internet, and meeting people in the real world. Younger people don't know that, and mostly don't know the pleasure of meeting people for the first time in real places. They, I believe, have underdeveloped social skills, and perceive the mate finding process like, as you said, shopping on Amazon, or looking through a catalog. I wonder what that does to a person neurologically. The process of attraction is such a complex network of brain chemistry and body language reading. How is a person supposed to acquire those skills online, or even to understand any of it? Things have only gotten worse during COVID, though social distancing is still a must. People can't get together at all. There are so many of us, yet it's such a lonely world.

As a musician, I miss playing for people, as a lot of what we do depends on audience input. I recently saw Chris Smither at an outdoor concert. It was his first performance since the beginning of COVID, and he kept saying how good it felt to play for real people again. Boy, I get that. He played his heart out, like he didn't want to leave.

My son came to visit for Thanksgiving, and I realized I hadn't hugged another person for 4 months. That was really special. We humans need that.

@Organist1 And yet, based on my experience with Match, even women in their late 50s and their sixties, seem to have bought into and adopted this Amazon shopping mentality about online dating, despite having grown up without the internet and they supposedly do have some in person experiences and social skills to draw on regarding meeting people. Yet they use the tech to shop for partners the same way younger people do. They should know better than to do that, but they don't seem to get how corrupted by the tech they have become.

"FLUSH" is great!

Thanks. This one had red flags all over it anyway, so it's better that I didn't meet him.