Yes, women can tell when a man watches too much porn

By Carlyn Beccia

When Shakespeare wrote “all the world’s a stage,” he probably didn’t imagine our private sex lives becoming stages. Unfortunately, our modern world has placed even sex on a grand stage.

In 1970, legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson coined the term “spectatoring” to refer to sex in which someone focuses on a third-person perspective instead of one’s sensations and partner. Spectatoring is the opposite of mindfulness. Often, spectatoring is the root of body image issues and performance fears.

Pleasure should never feel performative. Unfortunately, much of porn culture feeds spectatoring.

The damage begins when men watch male porn stars perform sex acts with female porn stars feigning pleasure. Men then repeat those sex tricks with real women. Real women are also watching porn and are conditioned to believe they should moan, squirt, and orgasm to what they see in porn. When they don’t get the same results, they fake orgasms because they don’t want to hurt the man’s ego.

Thus, we have a vicious cycle of women playacting their pleasure and men never learning how to please a woman.

We can do better.

The following are some bad habits that creep inside the brains of porn aficionados.

Tongue flicking
In porn, a man’s tongue flicks like a cobra because that looks hot on screen. In reality, some women prefer suction. Don’t believe me? Just look at the hottest selling vibrators. What do they have in common? Suction. There aren’t a lot of tongue-flicking vibrators on the market.

Pounding her like a carpet
Yes, some women like rough sex. Most do not. Especially if she has a sensitive clitoris, having sex like you are whipping a mule is not fun.

Let’s think about the mechanics of a woman’s vagina. If a man is thrusting hard and fast, it doesn’t give her enough time to squeeze her PC muscles around your penis as you thrust in and out. And that squeezing motion is what draws blood to the genitals. No blood to the genitals…no arousal. It is that simple.

So save the jackhammering for when you are breaking up concrete, not her lady bits.

Bending the story arc
Sure, everyone loves a quickie now and again. But when you always skip the intro, sex isn’t enjoyable. And sometimes, it can be downright painful.

How would you feel if she sucked hard on your penis while it was soft? And I mean really hard.

In porn, none of the usual arousal signs are there. For example, her glans clitoris gets larger when she is aroused. Then, her back may arch at the point of release, her chest gets flushed, or her legs shake with tremors. None of these physical responses exist with porn stars for a reason — they are acting.

And please do not judge her readiness by wetness. Sometimes a woman is very wet and not aroused, and sometimes she is aroused and not wet. This is called non-concordance arousal.

Choking her with your dick
Most women don’t want to feel like they are getting a tracheotomy during sex. Please ask before doing this. There’s nothing sexy about igniting her gag reflex.

Changing the channel
This one especially annoys me. Every time a man changes position when a woman is about to orgasm, an angel loses its wings.

In porn, they change the sex position frequently because if they didn’t…people would get bored watching. Watching and participating is not the same.

The same goes for oral sex. When she is about to orgasm, the glans clitoris retracts under the hood. This is not the time to stop. Please…Please, please, don’t stop then. To be clear, I am not advising that you never change positions, but if you have her on the edge, keep doing what you are doing.

Running the sex marathon
Porn teaches men that the longer they last, the better. Yeah, so women don’t need sex to last hours. We especially don’t need penetration to last hours.

Making the penis the star of the show
Sorry, but your penis is only one tool in your bag of tricks, and for many women, it is least likely to make her orgasm. You should know the statistics by now — only 50% of women orgasm from penetration alone. Women will stick like Flex Seal to men who give great oral. But if most of sex is penetration, she isn’t coming back for more.

The money shot
Yes, I know it looks hot in porn, but ask yourself this — when you are done masturbating, would you take your cum and give yourself a facial with it? If you wouldn’t smear your cum on your face, don’t do it to her. Again, I don’t want to speak for all women, but I assure you…if you cum on her face without asking first, she will find someone who doesn’t demean her.

The best sex is the most comfortable sex. And treating someone like a waste bin is not comforting.

Cumming in someone’s face is also dangerous if it gets in her eyes. There’s nothing sexy about ocular herpes.

Anal play without warning
For the love of clenched sphincters, please don’t ram anything in her butt hole without foreplay.

In porn, penises and fingers just slip right in like you are basting a turkey. Porn stars have trained themselves to relax their anal sphincters. This takes time and trust.

Think of her butt hole like a delicate flower that needs to open its bud sloooooowly. Stop crushing her delicate flower.

Not wearing a condom
In fantasy land, STDs do not exist. Many porn stars get tested weekly because their job requires it. If you have not exchanged STD tests, wrap it up.

Taking sex too seriously
You won’t find too much comedy in porn. But laughter and lust combine into one heady cocktail. Sex is messy and not always glamorous. So bring your sense of humor to the party.

Grabbing her head during oral sex
Gentlemen, you are not potty training a Labrador puppy. If you force her head onto your penis, I guarantee she will not learn what you want. If you need her to go faster or harder, use your words. Try — “faster” or “harder” or “just like that.” Women are amazingly gifted at taking instructions.

Finger banging
Are you playing pinball or trying to pleasure her? Sure, some women like hard finger thrusting, but many do not. Similar to thrusting with your penis, a finger thrusting hard and fast does not give her enough time to squeeze her PC muscles. And if you have not trimmed your fingernails…ouch.

Some women do not like their g-spot stroked because it is too sensitive. So read the manual before you poke out her vulva with your finger.

Slapping or biting her breasts
Especially if it is near her period, her breasts are extra sensitive. Breasts are kind of funny. Research shows when you stimulate her nipples, she releases oxytocin — the hormone released by the pituitary gland. Oxytocin has been called the “cuddle hormone” for a reason. It makes her want to never leave your side.

Oxytocin not only increases social bonding but also increases serotonin and dopamine — the neurotransmitters that cause that happy butterfly feeling. Think of gentle nipple stimulation as two magical buttons to turn on trust and lower inhibitions.

Not using your hands
Porn rarely shows a man GENTLY using his hands to pleasure a woman. But there are places fingers can go that a tongue or a penis cannot. For example, some women like the old come hither motion with your finger while performing oral sex. (Some do not.)

God gave us opposable thumbs for a reason. Use them.

Ending sex after you orgasm
This is the biggest offender of all. In porn, the male orgasm is the grande finale. The pièce de résistance. The deus ex machina. You get the idea.

Orgasming together is wonderful, but sex isn’t synchronized swimming. If she hasn’t orgasmed and you have, finish her. You don’t have limp fingers or a limp tongue.

Insisting that she orgasm
The one phrase women never want to hear is, “Baby, you came, right?” If you have to ask, she probably did not.

Either way, the time to ask this question is not in the heat of the moment. Couples should definitely discuss their sexual proclivities (here’s a guide to help) but not during sex.

And sometimes you put in your best non-porn efforts, and her body is just not cooperating. And that’s ok. If you pressure her to orgasm, she will feel like her body is defective. And feeling defective is never sexy.

Better yet, think of a time you lost your erection. What’s the worst thing a woman can do? Make a big deal about it, right? It’s not a big deal.

Sex is a lot like soufflés. Sometimes you get puffy, explosive, yumminess. And sometimes…it just falls flat.

Unfortunately, an orgasm is not something you can tie up with a bow and gift to someone. If it were, I would gift every reader a mind-blowing orgasm for getting through this finger-wagging lecture.

Bad habits are hard to break. And porn definitely creates some bad sex habits. But porn also can help couples release inhibitions, give you ideas, or get you turned on when you are not feeling sexy. Humans are visual creatures, and our eyes will always delight in seeing pleasure that feeds our fantasies.

But much of today’s porn has a one-size-fits-all approach that leans toward domination and degradation. That role-playing can open doors in many relationships that are built on trust. It can also slam the breaks on her orgasm.