*Essay On Dog Training and Depression

I rent a room in a friend’s house. She’s ten years older and rooted in a machismo, Rat Pack, culture that I don’t share. My culture was the 1960’s and 70’s (both of which she eschews so I don’t mention them much). She also loves having many dogs and cats around (like most females seem to enjoy) but I haven’t had anything to do with a dog for the last forty-two years. Only two quiet cats during the marriage but now three. Her dog was dying so she got a puppy before that happened and I’ve not had a moment alone for the last two months. Puppies, especially a black Lab, want (and get) every second of time. I can’t watch a news segment to completion because the dog is climbing on me, wants to retrieve a toy, or one of us must talk to him so I can’t hear the Reporter. I find it all very annoying, albeit cute, but I have the same feelings for the Reporter so it works out.

What me and this friend mostly have in common is being a Democrat and that has sustained us over these pandemic years. Before moving in with her I had been alone since my divorce (ten years earlier) and lived in four states during that decade. I have become accustomed to being alone and actually love it. Humans annoy me.

During the pandemic years, before her dog got hip dysplasia, I closed the door a lot. Came out for a few news shows, so we had time together, and lifted things she thought were heavy. She’s not in great health so it’s likely I’ll soon be saddled with owning the new dog until its demise. All life dies so I’m not squeamish about that truth but I’m also not immune to bonding. I’ve just tried to avoid it.

Our immersion into MSNBC and CNN, especially over the last two months, has been heavy so I thought that was the reason I have become depressed. Then she got mad at me for trying to help with a water line leak and not being responsive to questions fast enough. I have been concerned about her impatience and inability to let go of shit so have tread carefully but that’s just managed anxiety. My anxiety now requires meditation but, upon examining this situation, I think the problem is the dog. She can’t play with him much so he’s attached to me and that’s eating at her. She had full control of the older dog (now deceased). She stopped this dog from coming into my room so I got to shut the door, again. Headphones and brown noise kept me from hearing the gun shots, screams, explosions, and other horrors from her movies while meditating and reading. I’m going to spend more time reading books and less on social media. But my depression seems to have lifted. This brings me to my point: People suck.

Actually, my point is that losing oneself into a culture which doesn’t fit is depressing. Maybe Americans now find themselves in a similar spot? Many seem to remember a culture that didn’t happen. All Americans have never been equal nor free. History happened as Howard Zinn said it did; not for democracy but for wealth and power. Being great is something America aspires to but has never achieved. We’ve been lucky but far from great and maybe denial of that fact is depressing? Maybe States of America being heavily in debt, handing our wealth to Lawyers and crooks, is also denied? Liberals like to spend on feel good programs so that fact is also depressing. Depression leads to obsessions, compulsions, and abuse whichever political side one’s on.

Most women feel people should love animals and not wanting to be bothered by one is hard to understand. I gather victims of anxiety like being alone so that we keep such moments from happening. I have been deprived of that for two months and immensely enjoyed closing my door, again.

I have no formal rent history for thirty months and only SS income so, if she kicks me out, I’ll likely be homeless. Not as comfortable but free from humans and their expectations. I can live with that. One should embrace their facts as they are and let go of what they aren’t. Denying them upsets the calm. To change our facts requires serious ego management and that’s why we deny them. It seems easier.

Some thoughts on a long Summer day. Peace and good health.