When my dad died it seemed like there was a constant stream of people trying to make me and my sister feel better about losing our father. I was 20 at the time and i remember asking my mom why these people were trying to make themselves feel better by telling us that crap. My great aunt then walked up to me and my sister gave us each a hug, and said she was sorry for our loss, and if we needed anything to please let her know. I haven't forgotten her simple words, and how she relayed them so sweetly and simply to us that there was really nothing she could say to make the situation better. Now, I usually tell others something similar. When it comes to children, my boys have suffered more loss than average in their lives and we have always been honest with them about death. Of course they didn't understand, but honestly neither do I.

For someone who has been recently bereaved, offer to do something. Bring a casserole, pick up their dry cleaning or their kids from daycare, something practical. Many people say they will be praying but it doesn't help the exhausted person who is knocked out with their grief.

I would tell a child that I don't know what happens to us after we die. I may believe that we simply disappear, but I don't think children are ready to hear that, and I don't know it as an absolute fact. We don't have any evidence that says people are sad or lonely after they die; it is the people left behind who feel that way, and that's why we need to take care of them when they are sad.

I think it is up to each person and perhaps to each family, to decide how to approach this topic with kids. But I think for an actual grieving friend or family member, being there (either emotionally or physically or both) and being practically helpful are two of the most important things to do.

I have said to several people "they are in a better place."

And I'm being truthful. My dad died of cancer. Death is a much better place than suffering for no reason.

Other than that, I say, I know there's nothing I can say to make the pain go away, remember people care about you, the first year will be hard, you'll remember the good times more than the bad times.

Stuff like that.

I just say sorry for your loss f people have lost someone. if they are dying I don't bring it up at all but if they do I speak the truth as I know it as tactfully as I can.

What does one say? When my dad was on his way out and he was explaining his pain I could say nothing, it hurt me too bad. When my dog was dying last month I told her I loved her and I would never forget her. I don't really know what to say, but say it from the heart if there is a viable answer to this question

As long as they are in your heart they will be with you forever

“If there is anything I can do to help out, just let me know”

For less intimate acquaintenaces

“Very sorry for your loss. They will be missed”

For someone dying, I typically tell them I'm so sorry to hear and if there is anything they would like to do or need help with, I would like to help however I can. For someone recently bereaved I again express sympathy for their passing, let them know they will be in my thoughts and/or sending them thoughts or wishes of peace and comfort.

Not much to say......
"Sorry you have to experience this"

You will be in my thoughts.

I have experienced the death of 2 of my children, my sister, and my mother. People were shocked and devastated about my children. They were all struggling with what to say to me.When people heard, they came to the house, brought food, brought flowers, sat with us, and cried. They said all sorts of platitudes, religious, not religious, short and long. I really didn't care what they said. What mattered was that they were doing their best to express sorrow, and love. What they said was not trying to convert me, save me, or be rude about my atheism. They were just speaking from their heart, with no agenda. I was grateful. When my sister died, people knew she was sick, and had been going down hill. They were not so much in shock, as just so sad and would miss her so much. There was a large amount of money donated to her favorite charity in her honor, so not as many flowers. A line around the block for her wake. She had affected so many lives, and was so loved by so many. Again, many different types of platitudes which were very touching and comforting, no matter the religion or lack of religion behind them. When my Mom died, she was very elderly, had lived her entire life in the tiny little conservative, religious farm town, that I grew up in. She was a religious woman, but a liberal, open minded woman. She had contributed so much during her entire life and left her mark on all who knew her. She had been unable to live along in the last 3 years of her life, but had daily visitors from all of her friends while she was in the nursing home. Her death was not shocking or sad, but the end of a life well lived. Everyone in the town knew I am atheist/pagan, and have many tattoos, but it was accepted. My cousin's son, who is a Pentecostal minister, and who knows that I do not believe in god, spoke at her lovely, graveside service, with respect to her and to me. We had a dinner with all of her friends and looked through her hundreds of pictures of her childhood, all of the cousins and myself and sister, her coworkers and friends, and we spoke of all of the good things she did, related funny stories about her, and honored her life. Again, many platitudes, religious and non religious, all well meaning, all from the heart, all loving, and I did not care. I cherish them all, and don't judge. They are doing the best they can, and that is all I can expect. If I am with someone who is dying, I ask if they need anything, if I can do anything, if they would like company, if they want to talk, if they don't want to talk, and even how they are doing. I ask if they feel like eating, and if they are, is there anything I can get/prepare for them. If they are bed ridden, would they like to move to a different position, if they woud like to have some help. Just stuff like that. They know they are dying, I know they are dying, so I don't feel the need to obssess about it. Why not do some of the things that they would like, while they are still alive. Of course, I am open to discuss their death also, if they wish. Everyone I know, knows I am not upset by discussing death, and am fine listening to their thoughts, fears, desires about their death. That is not to say I am not sad about them dying, but I am a realist and able to discuss it without being too upset to talk.

Sick: Get well Soon or wish them a speedy recovery
Death: So sorry for your loss and/or My deepest condolences.
Dying: I am so saddened to hear this, I'm here for you if you needed anything.

Personally, I think thoughts and prayers is a big copout even for the religious...to me it's like saying I don't give a shit, god you got this???

"My condolences to you and your family."

I have learned over the years that the worst thing to say is to say nothing. Specific words will be forgotten but the memory that we meant to give some comfort will last a lot longer

Im so sorry for yoir loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. If it was someone who you loved as well say how much you miss them too. It's harder talking about it with someone who is themselves dying. I haven't figured that out yet.

As an atheist, to someone dying, I might simply say, "I love you". If I could not honestly say that, I might say, "I will always remember you. Remember the time ..... "

To a grieving person I usually say, "May the love from your family and friends give you strength at this difficult time". Or, "I will remember her". "I am here for you".

I just say I'm sorry for your loss.

When my mom died and started in on the self-indulgent bullshit, I just walked away without responding. When the church ladies are more upset than I was, it says a lot about the kind of mother I had.

For those who have lost someone, I am sorry for your loss. Let them know if they need anything they can call you, even if they just need to talk. Be there for them

I usually say, " I'm here for you" if it is someone close then I follow up a few days later to see if they need something or to invite them to do something together. If it isn't someone I know well I tell them I'm sorry for their loss. And yes, it is very difficult for kids.

"What can you say to someone who is dying ?"

It depends on who is dying.
If you mean as an agnostic atheist what would I say to a random dying person,then option A.
If I was speaking to my child, something more like option B.
Upon my own eventual end of the line I predict saying something like option C.

Option A: There is no need to worry or fear now, your story ends soon, but your legacy will live on in the minds of your lineage. Be brave and at rest for the end as this is the only time in your life that you will experience death.

Option B: The hardest thing I had to endure was realizing that I would see your end. Instead of me living on in your memories, you will have to live on in mine. Every other thing in life has led up to this point and I wish I could change it. I love you and I always will. Do not fear what comes next, it is inevitable that we all shall die, so please be strong and make every last moment of life your bitch, live it doing whatever you like, while you still can.

Option C: Is my family prepared to move forward without me?
How much of my life after my death have I planned out and prepared for?
Is there anything else that I can do to feel that I have met well a deserved end?

As a general rule, I stick with the truth. Especially when talking to children.
Even if they don't know that you may be lying to them now, they always figure it
out later. They don't forget that you lied to them.

This is an article I wrote several years ago after my wife passed away.

[patheos.com]

All you can say is what is true - that death is a part of life. It's a never ending cycle.