Yes, sadly you are. You show that you are harmless by understanding females may be wary of you, give them/us space. Don't show aggression towards us or anyone. Talk to us, but more importantly listen to us (which I can see that you're doing.) And take it slow, trust is earned over time. No, a T-shirt isn't going to work, anyone can buy or make a t-shirt.

One of first things I my daughters; is when a man tells them , "Trust me ," it's time for them to run ,

@Cast1es I laugh, but it's not funny... it's true.

In the early 80s I never thought twice about walking anywhere in Germany alone. However, in the USA, on military bases or civilian community I was not comfortable walking alone after dark. Currently where I live now I will walk in my neighborhood alone during daylight. I don't walk any distance alone after dark anywhere.

nice, remind me the commercial of then President Lincoln being asked by his wife about a dress... does it makes me short? does it makes me fat? and him putting faces unable to dare to tell the truth, so be careful what you ask for but... put him on the spot!!! Very Nice!

@GipsyOfNewSpain You miss the point. It is asked so I am sure I can never be accused of attempting to dress to provocatively.

@Amisja I missed the point and my apology but that shows what you have to be conditioned about... you shouldn't be afraid of being too provocative to the point of driving an asshole beyond his threshold. You have the right to dress as you want. Regardless of men desires. I hope you understand my point that I am siding with your freedom not with the assholes containment.

Ditto! I have a daughter in college far away from home and I worry constantly!

Better to be lucky than good.
Please don't tempt fate.

@sweetcharlotte That almost never happens. Seriously. The vast majority of sexual assaults happen by someone the victim knows personally: a relative, a friend, a neighbor, a spouse, or a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is rarely a stranger (especially one pulling up in a van like in the movies).

@bigpawbullets True, that.

@sweetcharlotte it's not nearly as high as it used to be. piratefish is right, the odds of such a thing happening in real life are astronomically small. However, since it's still technically a non-zero possibility, I like to think I'd have the good sense to run, as anyone should regardless of gender.

@LiterateHiker I'm sorry that happened to someone you know, but personal experience is a poor substitute for the reams of collected data. The danger overwhelmingly comes from people the victim knows and even trusts. While strangers can and do commit these types of crimes, they are pretty rare, comparatively.

As a rule, it is better to focus mostly on the enemy responsible for nearly all attacks than to spend enormous energy worried about the one who almost never does. I know which one I am primarily concerned with.

@Piratefish

Where is your empathy? Stop minimizing women's pain and ever-present danger by trotting out statistics. One in five (likely more) girls are raped in college, including my daughter at age 19.

Nine years later, Claire still wakes up screaming. She still has panic-attacks.

Read my experience below. Of course, there's more.

@LiterateHiker Who is trivializing it? I think you seriously need to learn to relax and quit reading what you want to into another's comments. How pointing out that women are mostly victimized by people they know, and often trust, and not total strangers equates to me "minimizing women's pain and ever-present danger" is beyond me.

I am talking about WHO is committing the majority of assaults, not IF it is damaging and terrible. Try to get on the same page and quit responding to non-issues. You and I agree that rape is horrible, and that rapists and those who sexually assault women should be thrown into prison for a very long time.

Incidentally, I happen to know quite a few women who disagree with your premise that they are in ever-present danger from strangers. My mom, my sister, my ex-wife, my aunt, my nieces, my in-laws, a number of my co-workers. And before you accuse me of being uninformed or ignorant, I have actually bothered to have conversations with these women about this very thing. However, they do not report living in the same fear as you.

That doesn't mean there aren't women who have had traumatic experiences. I am in no way disputing that. It simply means that the majority of women haven't, and many who haven't are levelheaded enough not to become victims of fear from the constant media bombardment of "stranger danger". They know that the true danger will likely come from someone they know and trust, not some random guy wearing a ski mask and jumping out from the side door of a van.

Again, how this minimalizes any woman's pain who has been assaulted is a monumental leap. I just cannot seem to make the logical connection.

@Piratefish I agree. And while I'll take precautions and engage situational awareness just as everyone should regardless of gender, I will not live in fear. I lived in fear before my anxiety disorder was treated. I hated it. I won't tell other people how to live--if someone feels safer never going out and having seventeen locks on their door, I won't tell them not to, and I would prefer it if they didn't evangelise their way of life to me. Like the kids say, you do you, boo.

@memorylikeasieve I agree. But evangelizing goes both ways. Trying to make women afraid of every man they meet is not the solution. Especially when the real danger is often in their own home, next door, or with the guy they are dating.

So, are men mostly born bad then? Or is our culture doing something to them? Both? And . . . so what can be done about it?

A great book on that topic is Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear". In the book he speaks about survival instinct, and awareness of your situation at all times so that if something should happen, one is aware of one's options for escape, etc. I think all women, in particular, should read his book.

@Condor5 YES!!!! That book should be required reading starting in middle school. It could save soooo many lives.

This is, I'd guess, a rhetorical question:
Why the heck are young folks of both, or, I guess to be "enlightened", all genders, not taught this at home? Or, maybe in school? @Condor5 & @Qualia, where did you learn this?

@bigpawbullets If you read the book you'll see that girls are groomed from the time they are little to not appear rude, and minimize their feelings. This is dangerous.
As an example, a friend of mine prods her 3 year old grandson to kiss everyone on command as if he's known them all his life. That is dangerous. What if he doesn't feel like it? She GOADS him.
It just makes me think of the book.

No matter how street savvy you think you are, there are things in the book that will give you pause. I've been in situations myself where I didn't want to appear rude, but essentially put my life in danger as a result, but just got lucky.
Other situations felt VERY BAD to me, and I followed my gut & got the F out of there, once running out of gas & had to call a friend to help me out because I was pretty certain the way things were going I was in danger of being raped.

@Qualia
So, you learned situational awareness from a book. I find that a bit hard to believe. Did your parents not instill even a rudimentary awareness of the dangers of the world?

@bigpawbullets No need to be condescending.
Yes of course they did, but there are finer points to all of it beyond that.
There's one incident in the book where a woman is lugging groceries up stairs and a guy begs her to open the hall door, not wanting to appear rude she was nearly killed because he used it as a ruse, he happened to be black.

@bigpawbullets The Gift of Fear is about listening to your gut instincts. It's not only about women's issues, but turning into that "something doesn't feel quite right" feeling that your subconcious is trying to tell you something is wrong, even in instituational settings like a physicians office and the like.

There is a case of a woman ignoring her gut about a dr, she couldn't put her finger on it, and sure enough her kid died, but that's too brief a description.

@Qualia
I wasn't trying to be rude. But your previous post was quite a sales pitch for that book.

@bigpawbullets It's a GREAT book though, truly. I've given it as a gift a couple times and MADE my girl read it.

For sure. Although, as I get older, I consider being mugged or otherwise assaulted a possibility. Though, sexual assault is never on my mind.

@EdEarl right. Since I have gotten to that "vulnerable" age myself, I am usually hyperaware of my surroundings, my head on a swivel, when I am in certain areas. I live in an area permeated by gang members, and while the violence and other crimes are under reasonable control, I'm still very cautious when I go out; and I virtually never go out at night.

Thank you for mansplaining that. You don't have a clue. We're not paranoid in the least, this is reality for women across the globe.

@HippieChick58 But which is more likely? That I'm a bizarre mutant or typing this from an alternate dimension, or that maybe it doesn't happen as often as folks are saying it is? We only see what others point out and not the countless people who go about their lives, day in and day out, completely uneventful. That's human nature. It's reality for too many women, as even one is too many, but not every last female or female-presenting human on the planet, which is what this movement is coming dangerously close to implying. Extremism will only damage its goal.

so... you make sure not to wear high heels, do you, sir? i am glad for you. you check your back seat before you get in a car? how much thought do you give this? do you by any chance know how much more likely a woman is to be assaulted, sexually or otherwise, than a man? it might be worth checking that out before you make a further fool of yourself.

g

Whoa! Gipsy!!!
Stand by for <written> abuse!!!!

@bigpawbullets Not Again!!!!

I'd say that's a bit of a generalization.
Does my wife trust me? Do I trust her?
How's about our daughter?

@bigpawbullets Generalization is one of the traits of the society we are living in (created and controlled by men). Not that I will trust women with my life but... You are getting me in Trouble again!!! ...just when I thought I was out.

Incorrect about your face.
Glad you've avoided harm.

You are beautiful! Watching these senate hearings is to relive many experiences for many women. I had a rapist tell me I was ugly and lucky that he wanted to have sex with me. I am angry as hell. Enough of second class treatment.

@bigpawbullets Haha, I knew that was coming--youre the first place finisher!. TY. I'm not self-conscious about my appearance in the traditional ways. I'm actually quite grateful for the hand I was dealt there. From what I gather, it's hard to be taken seriously when you're very attractive--and I have a raging intellect. I'm glad I have not, largely, been exposed to the diminishment of my faculties for the comfort and wish fulfillment of others!

@stinkeye_a
Whew.
I had to post that ma'am. I went through this with our daughter. Who is also quite smart.
I was worried i'd get a verbal lashing for telling the truth here.

@bigpawbullets Not at all! I understand 1) everyone's preferences are different, and can be vastly so--such that one person's "beautiful" can be another person's "meh", and that's just how it is; and 2) there is strong pressure in our society for people--especially women--to look attractive, which results in pressure to feel attractive, which results in pressure for bystanding well-wishers to minister to what they perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be the injured feelings of those--particularly women--who voice feelings of unattractiveness by asserting how attractive they are --whether it's true or not. Say "I'm ugly" or even "I'm not pretty" and people will fall all over themselves to contradict you...regardless of where the "truth" lies. It's just social programming. I let it lie. I found early on that if I try to let people know I'm not bound to such social programming, things get very awkward, very quickly. I've got no problem saying "I'm not pretty", because I'm not invested in that paradigm--but it freaks out other people so I learned to shut up about it. I'm not calling your motives into question, here, BTW. That was a nice thing to say, whatever your reason for saying it.

@stinkeye_a
Ha! No hidden agenda here @stinkeye_a.
Just an observation. You've a fairly classic "greek/Mediterranean" face. And I'm convinced by your writing style that you're intelligent and well educated.

@bigpawbullets Hah! 100% northern European college drop-out! Thanks for playing!

@stinkeye_a
Did I mention the hint of neanderthal (eye spacing)? Well educated, in my opinion has little to do with College/University attendance these days.
Carry on!

There is progress, but not nearly enough. When I joined the Army i n 1976 my dad had to sign my paperwork. I could not get credit in my own name without a cosigner until a few years later. My dad would NEVER have cosigned on a credit card. He didn't believe in credit.

@HippieChick58 evolution is a slow process, yes.

The answer is, I take a lot of the same steps women take. Watch where I park, mind my surroundings, watch the people around me, have an improvised weapon at hand (if I'm not actually armed), vary the routes I drive...

I'm thinking that this is much like the Black Lives Matter issue. No one is saying that men do not suffer violence but that women suffer violence to a much greater degree. Yes. Violence against men happens. However, we need more focus on violence against women.

The term he used was , "being sexually assualted ," which IS gender neutral , so does not , slant the question , towards , as you suggested , an inaccurate outcome . Yes men can be sexually assualted , but the frequency , men have to face it , is significantly less than what women face .

I would say that a majority of women have had experiences, not just women in this forum. I can't say that I've had any experiences that stick out for me, very small minor ones, but it's a shame that I feel lucky to have not experienced it. I should feel lucky to not have had them... they should just not happen at all.

I truly believe every woman you know either has such an experience or has/had a close friend who had such an experience. They just don't talk to you about it. But on this site I think women feel safer to discuss it openly.

Sounds about right. Most every woman Ive got to know well enough for her to open up to me, on this site or elsewhere has a story or 3. Its disgustingly common, and severely underreported.

@Charity I share your pain. Hugs

The victims , are not the ones taking these precautions , The victims are the ones who did not take these precautions . These are those who , may have learned , at a high cost , what happens when you do not guard yourself . Not saying that all men are violent . But the ones who are , usually take on more than one victim , overall .

As others have stated, 1 in 3.
So yeah there are a lot of women who've had at least 1, the average was reported at 3. Add to this the recent statistics that over the last four generations over 63% have been abused in America and you'll see a seriously fucked up multi-generational trend.

[americanspcc.org]

Like global warming, this isn't just a "libs" whiny talking point that corporate media and the "toxic" conservative crowd can start claiming is hurting their "rights" and "free speech".

It is a epidemic.