I smoke, I drink, I do drugs does that make me undesirable, unreliable, disloyal, unloving and ultimately a shit person thats totally un-dateable?
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Nope. I did all those things, once upon a time.
The only thing I think is acceptable to make a dealbreaker, sight unseen, out of is smoking. I'm not sure I'd necessarily make a dealbreaker out of it--i used to smoke myself--but I understand why people do.
Drinking--how much? How often? To immediately reject or judge someone for "drinking", without knowing the specifics, is, erm, stringent, I'd say--and not very realistic, given the worldwide popularity and social acceptability of alcohol. Then again, who am I to say what anybody has to be okay with?
Same with "drugs"--which drugs? How much? How often? A little weed here and there? That's not even "drugs"! Occasional ecstacy, or shrooms? Shit, these are starting to be studied and utilized for their therapeutic effects in clinical settings! Snorting coke? Once or twice a year--or every weekend? What's your bank account look like? Your job security? Your health? Your standing with the law? It's possible to "do drugs" and not make a mess of your life.
I get why someone would see the "smokes", "drinks", and "does drugs" boxes all checked and move on. But if it were me, and I were interested, I'd ask about it first.
stinkeye_a
Level 8
Dec 16, 2018
5
Good for you!
So many people are looking for a certain size and shape of box, that we forget sometimes it's actually the contents we're after.
I think it's important to realize there's a big difference in what people SAY, and what people ARE. I honestly believe we over-think this whole mating dance. As a result, it's become more like "pre-qualifying" for credit.I'm not saying this is irrational-just the opposite-but the rational part of ourselves isn't really calling the shots-it's the social side of ourselves, and beneath that, the ruling animal.
Most of the time, our higher reasoning centers are "self-damage control" where we attempt to find a justification that fits our instinctive behavior. We're particularly disingenuous with ourselves in matters of the heart.
If I could tell everyone one thing, it would be this: own your desires. There may be good reasons you do not act on them, but they are part and parcel of who you are, and you are foolish not to acknowledge that. As with any wild animal, there are possible positive and negative interactions with your deeper self.
@Deveno have you seen the "instincts" thread by Meili? You should go comment that if you haven't already. 
I refuse to be around a smoker, heavy drinker, stoner or people who take drugs. With a healthy lifestyle, I want a man who shares my lifestyle.
Smoking causes cancer in smokers and everyone around you. Even your car, clothes and home are filled with hazardous carcinogens.
"Tobacco smoke is composed of numerous types of gasses and particulate matter, including carcinogens and heavy metals, like arsenic, lead, and cyanide. Sticky, highly toxic particulates, like nicotine, can cling to walls and ceilings. Gases can be absorbed into dust in a room, carpets, draperies, and other fabrics or upholsteries. A 2002 study found that these toxic brews can then re-emit back into the air and recombine to form harmful compounds that remain at high levels long after smoking has stopped occurring."
LiterateHiker
Level 9
Dec 16, 2018
2
Of course not. But you will attract those that also enjoy those things.
Wildflower
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
2
If you've checked those things in a dating profile, it weeds out the people who don't want that in their lives. They are entitled to that. I look at it as using the app to help keep people from wasting my time and theirs.
LimeySteve
Level 7
Dec 16, 2018
2
Ultimately yes, but not to worry, the world is full of shit people. We all just have to find the shit that smells the same as ours.
Eric_in_bham
Level 5
Dec 15, 2018
2
I quit worry about what other people think or like or want. I'm much happier. Basically if somebody don't like it, they can just go away.
sewchick57
Level 7
Dec 15, 2018
2
Yes,
Cutiebeauty
Level 9
Dec 15, 2018
2
Wow. Pretty harsh.
@Wildflower that's harsh ? Lmao
@Cutiebeauty never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to
@Drsmash253 I never do. I always ask questions if I don't know
@Cutiebeauty Yes, harsh... as in what right do you have to tell someone they are a shit person just because you don't agree with their lifestyle?
@Wildflower I didn't call anyone a shit person... I typed the word "yes.". It was his question not my statement. He asked it that way. I answered. Too bad, so sad...
@Cutiebeauty He asked "does that make me undesirable, unreliable, disloyal, unloving and ultimately a shit person thats totally un-dateable". And you said yes.. He may not be desirable to you, but it doesn't make him a shit person.
@Wildflower never said he was a shit person.
@Wildflower well, re "@Cutiebeauty Yes, harsh... as in what right do you have to tell someone they are a shit person just because you don't agree with their lifestyle?" -- he ASKED! so he wanted an answer. he got one. if you don't take the question seriously you can't complain about such a brief agreeable answer, and if you do take the question seriously you should honor it to the extent that he wants an answer and that he cannot predict what the answer will be. who is she to agree with his expressed speculation that he is a shit person? she is one of the people he ASKED. that's who she is. who are you to tell her she can't answer unless YOU like the answer?
g
@genessa hey sure... whatever. Take it however you wish.
Damn. You girls are cutthroat. Looks like it's real in the streets.?
@genessa Like I said in another thread, don't ask a seemingly sincere question unless you want an honest answer and can deal with or handle the answer. He asked it and Cutiebeauty is in the right here. I think we need a link here to a clip of that courtroom scene from A Few Good Men. "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!"
Her opinion is that i am a shit person for indulging and undateable, I don't mind the answer even if it is terse. I was upset when I made the post about something and this thread has helped me understand it. I can't be mr right for everyone so maybe i should be mr right for me instead. Anyway i am not a bad guy and being judged on things that do not affect my everyday character just seems arrogant and wrong but hey thats me.
You live in the UK, I live in the US, so even tho we are in around the same age, I have no idea what the norms for vices are there. I can say that in the US, for our age range, the vast majority of women do not smoke or do street drugs, but the vast majority of them do drink, at least socially. Glad I could help.
TomMcGiverin
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
2
Not at all. But being heterosexual myself, sorry. And good luck.
Beowulfsfriend
Level 9
Dec 15, 2018
1
damn 
What do you act like when you are "going recreational"? First hubby beat the shit out of me every time he got drunk...about 3 times a week. Not acceptable!
2nd ex was heavy into pot & falling asleep...boooorrring!
Now, if you want to dance, chow down, and fool around, who cares what you are taking?
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Dec 15, 2018
1
I've heard you say you had been beat up on by your husband before and that made me sad. I hate men who do that very much and have intervened once or twice in my past. I am a good person really i am. I love love and just because I smoke, drink once or twice a year and smoke pot now and again I don't think i want to be persecuted or condescended on. Makes me sad inside. thanks for asking
@Nardi it is Your life, sweetie, as long as you are mellow you've got my thumbs up!
The drinking and drugs, there are culture groups for them . Smoking is undesirable by most.
Castlepaloma
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
1
smoking, well, that will eliminate many. drugs -- you've said it's grass. big deal. it's an herb, not a drug. but when i first read your post, and the second and third times too, for some reason i thought you were calling yourself unreliable, disloyal and unloving. that would be a dealbreaker but now i understand you're just asking. so... yes, for me it would not make you a shit person but i couldn't date a person who smoked. i have asthma and i have it BECAUSE my folks smoked. i'm lucky that's ALL i got from that. but i'm not available anyway, and meanwhile there are female smokers, drinkers and tokers, so if you're a shit person, it won't be because of what you listed as your vices (by implication) and if you're undatable it also won't be because of that. that being all i know of you, then, i have to say, not necessarily.
g
genessa
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
1
no its the hurtful assumptions i've come across. I know i'm not a bad person, my breath doesnt smell and i keep clean and fit too. At least you've a medical condition but most objectors dont. thanks for responding the way you did
@Nardi no problem. i will add though that people without existing ailments are still endangered by second-hand smoke, and even setting that aside, it is extremely unpleasant for many to be in the presence of not only tobacco smoke but the saltpeter in the rolling paper (it prevents the paper from burning faster than the tobacco). so it's not as if someone needs an excuse not to tolerate smoking in their presence. if you only smoke in the presence of other smokers, or alone and away from where it can bother anyone, then it's your business -- unless you're in a relationship, in which case the other party may worry about your heart or lungs, or even just not want you to turn on your heel and leave when it's time to smoke (i've seen folks do that).
g
@genessa That is a fair answer. I grew up in a time when it wasnt regulated and was considered cool. I know smoking is bad but damn its hard to give up. So i feel like a victim as i am sure if i were at the age i was then now i would most certainly not have started. So i look on with sympathy to other smokers and not contempt unless they are kids then i will tell them off.
The first three attributes do not warrant all other negative observations with the possible exception of (for some with standards that would exclude you) "un-dateable?" Rather sure there are people that would accept the first three attributes.
NoMagicCookie
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
1
Agree. I'm looking for a date the complete opposite and it's like trying to find a unicorn. Lol
I've heard it said that there's someone for everyone good luck
Drsmash253
Level 7
Dec 15, 2018
1
I get medical training and mandatory required training says this. Narcotics numb more than pain, it numbs that I feel bad feeling. So if you don’t lie, cheat, hurt feelings, etc because it would make you feel bad to do it to your cherished—IT DOES MAKE YOU “undesirable, unreliable, disloyal, unloving and ultimately a shit person thats totally un-dateable?”
Shoulderwarmer
Level 5
Dec 15, 2018
0
Well it may for some hard drugs but i smoke a little weed once in a while. Just helps me relax after a hard weeks work.
Do you do them all at the same time every day?
hippydog
Level 8
Dec 15, 2018
0
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