I wish I was a better person. I wish I hadn’t broken relationships with people who cared deeply for me. I wish I wasn’t diseased and broken. I wish I had stayed in New Jersey and let my life work out the way it was supposed to. I wish I was still with my Baby Girl; she will always be my Baby Girl. I’m not strong enough for this shit. I’m lost. I’ve been lost for more than a year now and there doesn’t seem to be any sign of things getting better.
If I knew how to love myself, perhaps I would be able to love, and be loved by, others. In theory, I am worthy of being loved; because I am worthy of loving. But in practice, I’m still that scared little boy who worried that his parents didn’t love him or respect him. And that is what I learned.
Where do I go from here? I know I should control the narrative better; but I’m tired of making faces. I’m fake because I don’t know who I am. Who am I? What am I? WHY AM I?
Maybe this is just the whiskey talking; but I happen to agree with what it's saying.
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8 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.my 1st wife said something to me that is quite prophetic: if you don't like yourself how can you expect others to like you?
but then how can one like oneself? unfortunately, if a child doesn't receive enough love & encouragement from its mother then its a hard row to hoe.
callmedubious
Level 8
Mar 21, 2019
1
It's a pity we're taught to blame our mothers C. My experience is that despite the neglect and abuse in my early life, my mother's ability was limited, as is the ability of every mother. We all suffer from less than perfect parenting, but when we become adults, we have the ability to mend our own deficiencies. Sometimes it can help to find a counselor to reflect our thoughts and directions back to us. All the best. I'll look forward to hearing how you're going.
@Brunnion ,
a mother can build a child's self-esteem which is very important & necessary to reach full potential as a human being, imo.
my mother was only 17 when i was born so i fully understand that she may not have been prepared to drastically change her life when i came along; so i didn't have a 'leave it to beaver' childhood.
@callmedubious yes, I agree that mother's can play a vitally important role......... but so can father's and others. From personal experience though, I know that mothers can cop a very bad rap from adult offspring blaming them for all the woes in their lives.........including traits caused by genetics. When a person becomes an 'adult' it's no longer appropriate for the mother to be taking on responsibility (or guilt). Mostly mothers are used in this way by people who don't want to take responsibility for their own lives.
So...you can spend the rest of your life filled with regrets, or you can move on & make the best of what there really is right now.
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Mar 21, 2019
2
Living with regrets....how to get past them and on to better things. I think a lot of us can relate to this situation and these feelings you have. I found that poetry helped me out of some dark places...reading it, writing it. Start with an anthology like the one by G. Keillor, if you don't mind me suggesting it: "Good Poems for Hard Times": "a lovely, consoling book, perfect reading for these days when everyone is struggling with something" (The Times-Picayune) At least you'll know you are not alone. And that is where poetry helps the most...bringing the emotions to the surface.
mojo5501
Level 7
Mar 21, 2019
1
Time spent working out self love has been more beneficial to me than all of the good years married. I'm not saying I wouldn't do it again, maybe I would. But 7 years now after first separating, and I've never felt better. Call anytime if you wanna vent, bud. A therapist is never a bad idea, but sometimes all ya need is a friend.
Tampabrew
Level 7
Mar 21, 2019
2
Wishing and wondering usually get you nowhere. Find someone you can talk to and be yourself with. Your "self" is usually what comes out when you aren't too busy thinking or trying to fit into a role. You have to relax into it. If you can find a person to be yourself with, whether it's a therapist or just a friend, it will be a big help.
Tomfoolery33
Level 9
Mar 21, 2019
2
Whiskey never tells you the truth about yourself.
That said, talk to a therapist/counselor whatever. We all think we can solve all our own problems, but that's a lie. We're a social species and are made to rely upon one another, so talk to someone who can help you in person.
1of5
Level 8
Mar 21, 2019
3
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