"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time," Maya Angelou said.

I refuse to be around toxic people.

Yes, the silent sulking is something that some men and women do very well. Pack your bags and get the hell out of there.

Yes. It’s terrible. Nothing ever gets addressed or resolved. My ex’s mother taught him that it was “not nice” to complain about how others treat you or to ask for what you need. It was, however, totally fair game to guilt-trip, silent treatment, manipulate or bully to get what you want.
He once punished me for MONTHS for saying something that made him mad. He didn’t say anything, just decided that he would contribute NOTHING to the household to punish me. When I finally called him on his non-contribution, he gleefully declared that he was “teaching me a lesson.” I asked him what I did to upset him and he said, I shit you not, “I don’t remember but you pissed me off.”

FROM PSYCHOLOGY TODAY:

In relationships, passive aggressive behaviors are often used to avoid the direct confrontation of short-term conflict, but in the long-term, these dynamics can be even more destructive to marriage than outright aggression. To keep assertive communication flowing in your relationship, here are four strategies to effectively confront passive aggressive behavior:

1. Recognize the Warning Signs

Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger (This "sugarcoated hostility" involves a variety of behaviors designed to get back at another person without the other recognizing the underlying anger. When a person is able to quickly identify hallmark passive aggressive behaviors for what they are-hidden expressions of anger-they take the first critical step in disengaging from the destructive dynamic. Some of the most common passive aggressive behaviors to be aware of include:

Procrastination
Behaving beneath customary standards
Pretending not to see, hear, remember, or understand requests
The silent treatment
Sulking & withdrawal
Gossiping

2. Refuse to Engage

Passive aggressive adults are experts at getting others to act out their hidden anger. The skill of recognizing passive aggressive behaviors at face value allows you to be forewarned and to make a choice not to become entangled in a no-win power struggle. When you sense these destructive dynamics coming into play, manage your own emotions through such self-talk statements as:
"He is being passive aggressive and I will not participate in this routine."
"I will not yell or become sarcastic because this behavior will only escalate the conflict."

3. Point Out the Elephant in the Room

Passive aggressive persons spend their lives avoiding direct emotional expression and guarding against open acknowledgment of their anger. One of the most powerful ways to confront passive aggressive dynamics and change the behavior in the long-term, then, is to be willing to point out anger directly, when it is present in a situation. Anger should be affirmed in a factual, non-judgmental way, such as, "It seems to me that you are angry at me for making this request." The impact of this seemingly simple exposure can be quite profound.

4. Expect & Accept Denial

Your goal is to make overt the anger that has been covert, stuffed inside, and kept secret for so long. Expect that once this has been done, the passive aggressive person will deny the existence of anger.

When he does, you should verbally accept the defenses for the time being, with a response such as, "Okay! It was just a thought I wanted to share with you." Don't argue or correct the person's denial at this time, but rather quietly back away from further discussion, leaving your spouse with the thought that you are aware there are some feelings of anger behind his behavior. The advantage of this approach is the comfort of not having to justify or defend your acknowledgement of the anger. By simply sharing your awareness of his covert anger, you have sent a bold and powerful message that the passive aggressive behavior cannot continue and the relationship needs to change.

My first hubby was physically violent, so this one seemed So much better. Wasted 33 years hoping for "that feeling of connection".....You know, being appreciated & allowed to be appreciative. All I got was lonelier & lonelier while everybody told me how lucky I was to have such a wonderful guy. RUN!

Every relationship is different. If you find yourself the victim in this one it is probably best to get out.

No hope at all. I’ve dealt with it and required therapy after such relationships. Being punished because you can’t read minds is a special treat. So is being blamed for things that aren’t your fault. My ex once got extremely angry with me because my brother didn’t do a thing. Yes, you read that right: not in my control, but all my fault.
It’s crazymaking.
If you cannot talk like adults, express your feelings, and work together on issues, there’s no hope.

I was in a relationship with a very controlling individual. I bought a book titled "How to live with a control freak" that helped me to identify the controlling behaviour (some of which was subtle enough to slip under my radar.) Furthermore, when she exhibited this behaviour, I could confront her about it. When she denied that she was being controlling, I could show her the page in the book that would describe pretty much what she'd just done.

It changed the relationship. My partner became much less controlling. I began to assert myself (took back control of my own finances, for starters) and that was probably one of the things that doomed it, because I'd transformed from "total doormat" to "someone who isn't going to take this shit anymore."

She left me in the hope of settling down with a guy who still had money (she'd spent all of mine, and run up a ton of debt in joint names.) That didn't work out, but I was finally free.

But I digress. Taking on someone with behavioural difficulties is going to be challenging. If they're not Mr/Ms right in practically every other respect, then the sensible thing to do is walk away. If you're going to give it a shot, then research the condition, and look at how you can manage, and where appropriate, challenge it. It might be worth a shot.

Yes, a very painful experience. No hope. I wasted many years of my life hoping that one day he will change his destructive behavior. One day I said to myself enough is enough.

I was married to a PA at a young age. It didn't take me too long to figure out how to handle him. Mostly I ignored him.

He used the silent treatment that could go on for weeks. At 29, I started talking back. I would invite him outside the first day of his silent treatment. I would say (example). "It's now 5 pm. I'm giving you until 11 pm to tell me what's up your butt. At 11:01 pm, I no longer want to hear it or care. You can take your complaint to the grave as far as I'm concerned."

I divorced him a year later. I'd had enough!!!

Yes I have.

No, not for me. If my partner is not adult enough & mature enough to bring an issue to the fore to discuss & work out & has to resort to being a backhanded, mealy mouthed douche canoe, it won't work.

I grew up with a passive aggressive mother (my gawd Sally, what a lovely blouse...too bad it's not your color ) & I can go toe to toe w/the best of em & do better than just hold my own. (Sally, I don't know why you are wasting all that money on a degree. You will never do any better than you are doing right now.) I choose not to let that vicious negative aspect of my personality to hold sway & choose not to associate w/passive aggressive assholes...even when I am related to them

I spent 17 years w/a man who, in the last 5 years gave a lot of lip service (& minimal action) on improving the relationship, all while trying to undermine my self esteem & gaslight the living fuck out of me. . (Sally, you aren't prime. I remember you when you were in your prime & this isn't it. If you leave me, you won't find anyone who will love you for you. you'll be nothing but a quick piece of ass.)

I would rather be alone & happy than with someone who felt the need to tear me down verbally & mentally to boost their ownego & feed their own warped self esteem issues.

Depends on HOW passive aggressive. Diagnosed?

Are they willing to go for couples therapy? There might hope if they'd go for therapy - and not utterly sabotage that. Bad habits can be unlearned. With the right motivation.

If not - run.

Not in a dating relationship, I wouldn't stand for that shit long enough to end up with that kind of partner. In work situations or in a social group I was part of, you bet your ass I ran across passive aggressive types. They are very common in my area where people play Iowa Nice instead of being honest and direct. Drives me up the wall sometimes.

Everyone is passive aggressive from time to time, and everyone thinks there are specific situations where it's appropriate.- and it's very dependent on how you were raised. Your tolerance may be very different than mine. Ce la vie. Tell the other person involved, what you expect and let them decide if the feel like they can or want to accommodate you. There's only so much talking to online imaginary people (e.g. myself, and other members of this forum) you can do, before you yourself become passive aggressive.

It's almost better to have someone who is willing to fight. It's a difficult thing to overcome as I believe a lot of it has to do with low self esteem.

Yes. No.

RUN!

I made the nine year mistake of getting involved with someone like that.y advice is run! Run now! Don't give him the chance to stalk you.

No. Not in my experience.

All behavior is learned and reactionary. I used to be passive aggressive. If the person is willing to learn what it is; they may be able to change.

It will be difficult, and take time. It is possible.

Yes, my twin sister and since I apparently am use to this behavior (mom was also p-a) both my ex SO's were somewhat passive aggressive. We do tend to go towards what we are use to.
That said these people have their moments of wonderfulness. Notice I said ex and my twin lives 3000 miles away. I don't call her she calls me - every time I call her instead of letting it go to voice mail she answers and tells me she can't talk right now and I have interrupted her. AHHHH!

I found this on PT (psychology today):

What's the best way to deal with someone who is passive-aggressive? It typically doesn't help to tell them: On some level, they already know what they are doing, and may escalate their bad behavior to get back at you if you bring it up.

The most effective approach is to ignore the behavior and pretend you don't notice it. If it doesn't appear to affect you, there is not much in it for them, and they may stop the behavior because of your lack of a reaction.

When ignoring passive-aggressive behavior is not feasible, perhaps because it strongly affects you psychologically, the best you can do is to maintain distance from the person as much as possible.

If the aggressor is a colleague who works near you, ask if you can be transferred to another space in your workplace so you don't have to be around the person all the time. That might take care of the problem. If you cannot be moved, you can do your best to interact only minimally with the individual. Every interaction should be professional and to the point, which will deter the aggressor from escalating.

I did not move from NJ to Seattle to get away from my family, I simply love and feel at home on the west coast. I did therapy at one point and realized the issues, dealt with mine, tried to talk with my sister and she is having none of it. All issues are my fault, I'm just like mom, etc. She sees herself as the victim, etc.

I would say if the other person does not want to work on the issues walk away, it ain't gonna change.

Yes and not without therapy for you both. I've dealt with that before and he refused therapy or counseling. I wasted too many years hoping it would get better. It only got worse.

I dated a guy once. We had some bumps along the way. He made my feelings seem wrong and insignificant. I always felt wrong to Express some issues we had due to that. I became passive aggressive when those issues came back up. It's not always the problem of the passive aggressive. Sometimes it's the situation. When my current bf told me he was going to take his ex wife on a trip this weekend I wanted to tell him how I really felt about it but instead said it's okay. Inside I hurt. I didnt feel like I could say anything else due to the circumstances. Refer to my own post if you would like that I made about it

Yes, I've dealt with a passive aggressive partner, and in my case, there wasn't any hope.

Yes, and No. Sorry.

Yes, and no. I'm sorry.