I am dealing with this for the first time in my 44 years. I have been in agony and despair for almost a month but I am still doing whatever I can to profess my love for people and share myself with them (and let them share) because that was how she lived. I'm horrified by what happened but have felt no anger towards any higher power. I'm here to talk if you want to.

PJ, I'm 64. It seems like every few years I hear about friends and family passing on.
As we get older, we learn to make new friends and sometimes your entire family is gone, like mine.
I rely on friends and making new friends constantly. They also value your life and experiences.
Value your friends now.

I've seen a lot of mayhem and tragedy and death in my time and it has taken several people in my immediate family. Sometimes I feel like sooner or later, everyone I love either dies ... or worse

However ... I'm not mad at god for not existing; that would make no more sense than being mad at Harry Potter for being a fictional character.

What I am, is disappointed / unimpressed with life as an overall rational value proposition. The core problem is the flaky (at best) connection between effort / intent and outcomes. Which is a fancy way of saying, the lack of control. If diligence and honor were invariably rewarded with better outcomes, my motivational structure would work much better than it does. If dumb luck weren't such a prominent factor in things, that'd be great, too.

However -- "it is what it is" so I try my best to disconnect from attachment to specific outcomes and hope I manage to avoid too many more events that would add to my fund of sorrows as I age. My wife and I are working hard to remove sources of stress or anxiety, and to remove things that don't add value to our lives ... despite that there always seem to be people standing in line trying to add to these things.

If you're pissed off at god for not being real, expand your definition of god.

I've often wished I could believe in something just so I could have somewhere to direct my emotions. Sadly we've got to process even the uncomfortable ones on our own.

Nothing wrong with being angry. I just let myself be angry, without having to aim it at someone or something. I seem to move through it if I just allow it.

Given that 99.99% of the universe is deadly to life, the fact that any of us exist at all is pretty amazing.

These are transitions. They are sad and bring you grief. But understanding the transition helps you cope it better than constantly feeling the weight of it for a prolonged period of time.There are good ways to cherish memories of your loved ones. They certainly would have not wanted you to be unhappy.

Death is a natural part of life. You don't have to like it though.

happiness is within you, if you know how to live with loneliness, loneliness will become your friend, and as a result of this friendship you will become strong as a rock, and you will no longer need any companions other than yourself.
but do not forget to be sympathetic, do not cut social bonds, be polite and kind, always keep the balance of things in life.

Quit wearing old shoes, new shoes are everywhere !

mark twain said he was glad there was no god, for if he existed "surely he is a malign thug." don't be mad at god for not existing; things would be worse. look how bad they are just because some folks are convinced he does exist lol.

g

Sounds like you've had some rough times but you're hanging in there!