How do you console a young boy who's father has just committed suicide?
The boy works for me occasionally helping with chores. I just met the father once when he brought his son out to work the first time, and wanted to make sure I was legit. The kid works hard and, although he's had a troubled family life, he's level headed and very compassionate for such a young guy. My heart's been breaking for him since I got the news yesterday.
I'm sitting here trying to write a little something in a sympathy card to send him, but I'm so choked up I can't come up with any words. What can I say to him?
Sit him down and talk with him. Many kids will think that losing a parent this way is somehow their fault and the anger and shame of this can completely tear him apart. Let him know if his father hadn't come with him to make sure his job with you was legit it would have shown some room for doubt but his father must have loved him very much to have gone through the trouble to do so. Let him know that some people are troubled more than they let on to people around them and will at times get to the point where they believe suicide is the only way to end the hurt. Also let him know when a person for one reason or another decides to end their lives there really isn't much you can do to stop them. Let him know you understand his pain and are willing to listen when he wants to talk.
This is a community issue....others here have offered many good suggestions....but I have questions....is it too late to attend a funeral or memorial service ? Does he have siblings and a mother? How did you 1st meet this boy ? It is most admirable you respect his character and work ethic. Time to pay it forward.....see if there is a foster grandpa program you can volunteer at one of his schools......One Atheist here suggested giving maid service to his home....do you know where he lives ???? Is he an Atheist is his family religious was his father unemployed depressed or abusing drugs ?
...Often the funeral home will list where memorial contributions can be made or the full OBITUARY published in papers/online.....perhaps his dad was just diagnosed with a feared illness or worse a hated inherited family secret disease .....wanting to help a boy who helped you is the right thing to do and feel .....getting good information better than rumors can come from referrals police reports news accounts and even a responsible competent clergy wanted by his family at this painful community time
Let him know that you are sorry and willing to listen or talk if he wants to, that he can help out or not and you won't mind. Dont push big conversations besides that. If he initiates then be there for him. If he doesn't give him normalcy and just remain aware and cut him more slack or whatever he might need.
Not sure if you've done an internet search but here are some links to help.
I’m sorry for your young helper and for your situation with this. First, I would call your local suicide prevention hotline for local referrals and for education not only for yourself but for guidance if you’re lost here. It sounds like you are.
It’s a natural response to want to help but it sometimes can blow up in our face, depending on the situation.
I don’t know how well you know the young man but I would strongly recommend a professional to get referrals to share. And just express yourself with your concern for him and be a listener if he even talks.
I’m a retired counselor and every situation is different. I think it’s better to seek feedback from local resources and go from there.
Best of luck.
His father thought he did not belong here. And he was doing more damage than good. And his pain was great enough that he felt there was only one way to alleviate it.
Suicide is NOT a cowards way out.
It takes resolve, and much depth of thought, to actually remove oneself from here-and-now.
None of these thoughts can diminish the child's explorations of guilt, sadness, confusion,... But it is important that the child hears explanations that maybe someday he comes to understands there is always more to the stories of our lives than we can possibly know.
How old is the boy? And what has he been told about the circumstances of his father's death? A lot of what would be appropriate to say would depend on answers to these questions.
In general terms, you can offer your sympathy and understanding knowing that the death of a parent is very difficult. You can also offer an ear if he ever needs someone to talk to. Grieving takes time and he will likely need to process his feelings over a good ling time. He is fortunate to have caring people in his life who are concerned about his well being during this period of loss.
You have the advantage of knowing both of these people and odds-on, are the best, once your own pain has dissipated, at choosing those things to say. What to say depends on the developmental age of the boy and more knowledge about his father's past and present circumstances.
I'd start, if close to him, with asking him to role play with me. Pretend, I'm your dad and we have a few minutes for you to tell me what you want, ask me what you want to ask and maybe pretend a last hug that we never had a chance to share.
If this was possible, his opening-up would give you the cues as to what to sincerely tell him from the perspective of an older person with lots of experience with life's pleasures and pains, dreams and disappointments.
Other than that, fundamentally, people end their lives because every moment of life is a moment of pain from which there appears to be no escape and the causes are too many to enumerate. If the dad left no note, showed no concern for how his choice would be felt by others, the pain must have been 'as bad as it gets'. If people feel abandoned as though they didn't matter enough, one thing to help identify with the total distraction of severe pain is that NONE OF US, are able to think about anything else. Thinking about how others look at you and their potential suffering only adds to the impossibility, as perceived by the person who has lost all hope of escape; save that final escape.
Don't know if this helps, but you should go with your heart and the words will come; your sentences will be finished for you.
Deliver a large potted plant bearing fruit like tomatoes or life giving food that grows indoors....be a caring neighbor for the long haul.....water their plants outside or offer to trim over hanging tiny twigs that might poke an eye or rustle against the side of their house....get to know the boys life CIRCUMSTANCES to see where your words or generosity can fit in
I’m not sure, but avoid telling him that his father is burning in hell. Sure he deserves it and all, but perhaps bring it up a bit later.
Dealing with a situation similar to this, be patient. Everyone seeks help at different times. Just let him know you will be there. Also, sometimes advice is best given at the right time, sometimes you just need to listen.