I believe No Contact as a response to the idea that another person in your life is "toxic" is cowardly. Unless that person is a physical threat to you, and you need a restraining order, this approach is cruel. I believe in listening. I gave my own sexually abuse father a way to communicate with me after I confronted him. I believe turning my back on someone who loves me is spineless. #nocontactisbogus
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Sometimes. But not always. Sometimes fences can be mended, but only when both are ready; sometimes you can come to terms with something where there's no answer but you're both able to move beyond it; sometimes you can keep someone in your life, but only on the periphery. And sometimes you have no other choice but to walk away.
bleurowz
Level 8
Aug 4, 2019
1
Refusing to waste any more time on someone that other people think youre supposed to accommodate, e.g. "You can't just turn your back on them, they're your xyz", sometimes requires a meaningful explanation. Personally I don't like the term "toxic", but I see why some people use it.
MarkiusMahamius
Level 7
Aug 4, 2019
1
how can you be sure that someone loves you? i thought my daughter loved me. although i split with her mother when she was 5, & we lived on opposite coasts, i paid her way out here for visits many times. it seems that one day she just woke up & decided to blame me for everything that wasn't right in her life.
callmedubious
Level 8
Aug 3, 2019
0
My heart goes out to you. My son has turned his back on me, and while I can guess at my own mistakes, he won't discuss it with me or respond to me. I know he loved me once, but no longer.
@skye724 ,
as they say: shit happens.
With respect, your experiences and tolerances for any number of things and reasons, may, and probably do, vary wildly from that of others. So, good on you for having the tolerances to allow those who have wronged you to continue to do so in the future, hopefully within a limited capacity, but some of us have limits that, once exceeded, cannot be reversed. And some of us feel that leaving an open avenue for further future abuse of ourselves is foolhardy.
Kafirah
Level 8
Aug 3, 2019
2
Totally understandable. I would just ask one question: If someone you loved deeply suddenly cut you off and refused to respond to you, refused to explain, refused to communicate, and you did not understand why - how would you handle that sudden ostracism? No one is perfect. I am not, certainly. And I don't believe anyone who honestly wants an answer should be denied that answer.
Thank you for responding. You don't have to answer me. I am just curious.
A toxic person who isn't even aware that they are? Do you honestly believe that? Also, I think there's a big difference between someone who has wronged a person and/or made mistakes in regards to that person, and someone who is toxic. To me, "toxic" implies someone who continuously hurts others and is very well aware that they are doing so, oftentimes intentionally.
@skye724 of course I'd want to know why they cut me off, but if I was the one being toxic, I'm sure it would be obvious. And, even if it wasn't, sometimes that's just how it goes. If someone cuts you off, they don't necessarily owe you an explanation as to why they did it. In fact, that is rarely the case. And even more exceedingly rare that they feel like they do. So you suck it up and you move on. That's just life.
I agree unless one is a minor and others deem the contact dangerous in some fashion (ex. Continued abuse).
If you can come to terms do.
If you can't - at least you'll have had your say as adults.
Frankly if it has to be done in neutral territory with a therapist that's not at all bad - it provides a measure of safety.
But I do believe there are some abuses too big to ever heal - at least in the individual's mind. So it's up to both parties.
And it can take quite a bit of therapy to reach a decision to attempt.
RavenCT
Level 9
Aug 3, 2019
0
Well said. Thanks.
Sometimes you actually need to care about yourself more than anything! WTH would you allow an abusive person to claim they "love" you & give them your attention? Actions have consequences! I dropped a long-time friend because her second husband, who did 6 years plus lifetime probation for molesting her daughter by her first husband, because she decided she "wants to be friends with him" again & started inviting him to family functions, where the now-adult daughter, with Her daughter, was supposed to attend...and she gave the daughter grief for declining......
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Aug 3, 2019
4
I too question a claim of love by such a person.
That's your belief, but it certainly doesn't apply to everyone.
1of5
Level 8
Aug 3, 2019
1
People need to do what makes them feel safe and healed. For some it is reconciliation and others it is cutting out the toxic. It is very personal and I don't think bravery or cowardice really applies.
GreatNani
Level 8
Aug 3, 2019
2
"Cutting out the toxic," even in Psychology Today, is acknowledged as a path that causes a succession of additional emotionally traumatic issues. If someone has chosen No Contact without any previous attempts at listening, I sincerely hope that person is receiving therapeutic assistance. Thanks for your response.
NO!!! Self-preservation is never cowardly!!!!
sewchick57
Level 7
Aug 3, 2019
2
With all respect - and I mean that - and I can only speak for myself: If I arbitrarily block someone from my life who loves me, without giving that person a chance to explain themselves, than I am as guilty of inflicting harm as I believe they are. In the instance of my father, who sexually abused from the time I was four years old until I reached puberty, I offered him the avenue of going to therapy with me. A therapist of his choice. I asked him to seek forgiveness. He refused to do either. At that point, we had no further contact. But I did not just cut him off cold. That would have been cowardly, in my belief.
You are 1000% correct!
I agree with you, it’s better to confront and discuss such behaviour. There may come a stage though, that the only defence left to you is to cut off contact...if all attempts to improve behaviour fails. You must keep your own health, physical and mental as first priority.
Marionville
Level 10
Aug 3, 2019
1
Agreed. I believe it's important to offer the person who is tough to deal with - and I am definitely no walk in the park sometimes - the opportunity to listen and hear, to atone if harm was done. There is a process to reconciliation and healing.
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