^^^THIS^^^

He is seeking validation! His ego is wounded since his wife cheated on him and he needs to know or feel that he is still wanted somewhere. Not to defend him, but this is fairly normal.

I would tell him that in general you feel uncomfortable being anything more than a friend and have no wish to date. Be honest with him.

This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I felt that way to a degree when my marriage tanked due to my husband's affair. There was a little part of me that wanted to go prove I was still attractive enough to go right out and find another man. Fortunately, though, my more secure and sensible side was stronger. And I had a mirror.

That is wise on your part. And if she was the kind of person who said no when she didn't mean no, or was unable to risk her own pride by asking you out once she changed her mind, I'd say you dodged a somewhat manipulative bullet.

I had told him on that first date that I was not looking for an intense relationship but would be fine with an occasional meal or movie. He said he felt the same way, however his behavior said he wanted to be very involved, until it stopped abruptly with no explanation. It's not that he focused elsewhere. That was fine with me. But to start addressing me with the same intensity as before, also without explanation, just days after his other relationship apparently tanked... I don't think it's inappropriate of me to feel a bit insulted. I ask for advice on how to civilly address this with him, since I'm torqued off enough that I may not be nice about it on my own.

I did. on our first get together I stated that I was open to an occasional date, but was not looking for anything too involved.

@Deb57 Open to an occasional date can mean open to some guys. I meant.. if you were turned off (which sounds like you were from your description), why not put a full stop right there? Bad mouthing him later is not right.

@St-Sinner did I bad mouth him? I said I was offended by his treatment of me since he started abruptly lavishing attention on me immediately following his break up, as though I've been just sitting here waiting my turn. Commenting on somebody's inconsiderate treatment of me is bad mouthing? Do you think I should just be a "nice girl" and silently endure it, instead? Also, am I supposed to make allowances for how some guy might interpret my well spelled out level of interest? He asked if he could call me this afternoon, which hasn't happened yet and may not if he sensed my tone and has chickened out, and I agreed that he could, because I definitely plan to let him know why I don't find his overtures acceptable. I do worry, however, about finding the patience to be tactful and civil in the process. While honesty and forthrightness is important to me, I think his lack of consideration stems more from tone-deafness and self absorption than any actual malice.

@Deb57 I have a problem with women critically talking about men they went on dates with, especially on a public forum. The men are not here to tell their side of the story. I cannot fathom why it is necessary.

@St-Sinner I can't help it that he's not here. I would not stop him from saying whatever he wished. If it makes you feel any better, he did contact me, and instead of offering any kind of explanation for the way he treated me, he blamed me for "blindsiding" him with my lack of belief in his god as his excuse for ignoring me later, instead of the fact that he became interested in someone else. I told him I was an atheist, for the sake of transparency, when we had our first lunch. He was hardly blindsided. So what the guy just did was to try to blame his own poor treatment of me on me. I will absolutely badmouth that bullshit.

@Deb57 He sounds like a real piece of work. Blindsided him w your atheism? Is he entitled to your faith in his god?

I did have a weird theory or two about his short-lived flame, tho. For a moment, as I was reading your original account, I thought he was raving about you. Inaccurately in terms of the nature of your relationship, obviously, but I've seen stranger things. Then I wondered if he was making up some other woman to make himself appear more desirable ... and didn't think it all the way through, realizing only later that he'd have to abort the fiction in order to secure a real woman. Again I've seen stranger things ...

Yes, literally. I am not offended that he stopped paying attention to me and focused elsewhere, but it is insulting that he thinks he can address me with the same intensity as before just days after his other relationship tanked. I do resent being treated like some kind of "Plan B."

@Deb57 Sadly, in the dating world, until you find "the one" everyone is plan B

@lerlo I have never been that desperate, and it's unlikely I ever will be. Being without a partner isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person.

@Deb57 Not sure where desperation comes into it. Because there are many choices for sating, until you settle on someone everyone is Plan B. Some people get lonely and find that it's more fun to share things with another person. To each their own, that's why there is chocolate AND vanilla

@lerlo I understand what you mean by everyone being a Plan B until they become a Plan A. To be as blatant about it as this guy is being, however, is very insulting. I suppose there are some women who want a partner badly enough that they would settle for being treated like a Plan B. Settling for less than one deserves smacks of desperation. I have settled in the past without fully understanding that I was doing so, and paid the price for it. I will never be desperate enough for companionship that I'd do that again.

I know, right? I'm not interested in the position.

IMO...smart move....you are doing good @Deb57