Sadness that I can't express anywhere else or to anyone else.
As a freelancer, my social media is my business card & also my fishing pond. Before this, I was more free to express my thoughts, opinions, and my emotional state.
Which as of right now, is melancholy.

I may or may not have PTSD from past relationships. And also low self-esteem stemming from said experiences, years of romantic rejection, and the result of a childhood in the LDS church which brainwashes their members to covet marriage and family as the highest standard of happiness. -a standard I've always failed to achieve and the shame of which lives on my shoulder despite my not being a member for 20 years now.

My current relationship woes are mostly to blame.
Things are "fine" on the surface, but I've come to realize a few things about myself.
I appreciate kindness, generosity, manners, and a giving heart more than anything in a partner. People I encounter that have those traits are people I latch onto, because I know that when I give or sacrifice, it will be appropriate.
I love to give, especially if it makes someone happy.
I do not love to give if there's no appreciation for it. It makes my effort feel like it didn't go towards their happiness, or that they expected it of me...as though I work for them.

A pretty face sweetens the deal. But the underlying personality is paramount.

I met someone last year, and while dating hasn't been exciting, being in a relationship with someone who accepted me was nice.
We're both geeks, and it seemed like a good fit.
...but when she drinks she becomes loud, rude, obnoxious, and selfish. It's the exact opposite of what I'm attracted to. The loud & obnoxious part is hard to deal with as I work with my ears and I have tinnitus. So, it's like having someone yelling in your ear.
But the boyfriend bashing in front of my friends caused me to react the same way; as an attempt to get her to see what she was doing and to put her in my shoes. Which failed. It just caused more of the same. She doesn't drink often. And when she's sober she doesn't bring up things that bother her. ...she waits until friends are around.
Usually when I ask what's on her mind, she says "nothing". -sure sometimes, but every time???
It just makes me feel like either nobody is home or that she doesn't feel like she can talk to me.
-which makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Your s.o. should be your bestfriend, right?

Overhearing her vent about being a nurse for the 5th otmr 6th time didn't help. When nurses vent about the job, they seem callous, uncaring, and snobby. I'm sure most people do when they vent about their job, but a nurses job is to care; attend.

When she's not working, she's asleep. If I want to see her, I have to wake her up...and also catch her at a time when she's not engrossed in facebook.
On my birthday I had to make the plans.
For Valentine's Day, I cooked at her place and basically had to drag her out of bed to eat the thing she loves most; tacos.
I got her flowers and mermaid socks that make it look like she has one flipper. She loves mermaids.
She got me a cheap finger-drum kit, which was a novel idea. But it didn't work...even the box mislabeled the batteries it need. She'd planned to replace it, but never did. It sits on her mantel, unmoved.
Much like most of her stuff, of which she still hasn't unpacked after 3 months in her new place.
I've done most of her unpacking.

She has depression and anxiety.
I do as well, but I'm a little severe and more functional.

I can't remember the last time she planned a date or actually made an effort romance department.
It's like her contribution is being there...

I really hate to end it, mostly because I don't think I'd be able to do better, or that I deserve better.
I feel like love is for the young, and maybe companionship is what is available after 35.

But then again I was in love 2 years ago, despite it being a short affair.
And thinking about past loves makes me miss the ones who got away, makes my cry about the ones who used me and played head games, and makes me wonder if I was ever loved by any of them.
I always felt like I was just "useful" to them because they wanted something from me; my ability to be a future husband/father, being in the band scene, being their footstool, being their plaything, being a sex toy, being their yes man, fulfilling their desire to feel wanted, etc.

This one seems to like me for me...but, is my anxiety and depression just getting the better of me?
Why am I so attracted to girls with manners and consideration for others?
Are they really as rare as I think?
Are most people interested in others because of the perceived benefits rather than actual romantic feelings and bonds of love?

Anyone have any good anecdotes?