Like you I tend to look for positives about people I'm interested in. I can probably find negatives about everyone if I look hard enough.

chemistry means nothing without honesty. If the person is playing a persona or character than that is a false chemistry. Unless, your definition of integrity includes honesty?

@demifeministgal Things like honesty and decency are basic requirements and really needn't shouldn't even need to be stated. I mean seriously, does anyone go around looking for pieces of shit? Yes, honesty would be subsumed under integrity. The type of person I would have chemistry with would naturally be honest, among other things.

Amen to that. Since Annette passed in 4 years there have been only 2 women that I felt any spark for. The first one, we would have killed each other, the second one is out of reach, she's married altho not happily, and in Florida. O well. And, yeah, if ever, I'll know immediately she's the one.

And of course a lot of the list applies but then you just know these things after being around someone a short time.

Age 50 is when all the sh-t started to hit me too. Is there some curse that goes with reaching that age?

49, not in a rush to get married. My son is a drug addict, my daughter uses, and my ex is an alcoholic. I am not judging anyone for these choices, but I simply don't want that kind of pain in my life again.

Hope you don't have to keep hiding forever, there are good guys out here still.

There are good men out there, I'm sure, but the ones who are not desperate to get married and willing to take their time are probably also not that confident or flashy in making a first impression. Most of them probably get ignored or rejected by most women who are more after the latest shiny toy in their vision.

Of course that is a highly subjective sort of thing. I'm not really referring to colognes - but rather the "chemistry" of natural , clean, healthy body aroma. Even after a workout - some people just smell good - call it pheromones, or whatever. It can be quite conmpelling !

@evergreen So I don't really stink, it's just my natural musk? Sweeeet.

Or end up with a completely unsuitable partner because the sex is great.......

@AnneWimsey been there, done that. No more.

@UUNJ

"Without a personal relationship to fantasy" means no personal relationship with a fantasy god.

That's how I read it.

@LiterateHiker exactly !

@LiterateHiker I read it as anti-porn.

@AstralSmoke ..I read it as pro-porn

@LiterateHiker Thank you! I had no idea.

"Over 70% of women age 60-80 refuse to remarry. Yet 2/3 of older men do. Why?"

Yeah really - why indeed !? Funny how that works ...

I do not wear a cowboy hat because I am not a cowboy. Also, MAGA is a big joke.

I've been there. Connected with a few women on Batch that seemed perfect matches on paper, but none of them chose to date me, most of them wouldn't even meet me. Like you, I apparently wasn't good enough or check all the boxes on their list. Probably included looks, money, how I dress, not having kids, etc.

I think the concept “ not good enough” not helpful. Not to their taste, maybe. That’s no reflection on how “good” you are. You can’t measure your worth by other people’s taste. Still, rejection is disheartening.

@NJSnarky Thank you, it's generous of you to contribute. She chose me because of my resemblance to her previous boyfriend, but then decided I'm not fit enough, not confident enough, not sexy enough.

@TomMcGiverin she found me by doing research on Facebook. My friends, my interests, my posts, my opinions.

People are ridiculous today about their expectations

@Fletch And a big influence on that is that we're all inundated with too much information about one another. And the more and more obvious division in our everyday world. So many things to consider - whether one is able to tolerate, or not.

@BitFlipper So David, to make sure I have this right, the woman in the photo with you found you thru FB, decided to try dating you because you resembled her previous boyfriend, then decided you didn't measure up to her standards? If so, that sounds pretty strange. Sorry it went that way.

Absolutely. 100% about the chemistry.....

I could have the most amazing "chemistry" that you speak of , with a druggie, or trumpie, or a racist jerk for example - and I assure you - it would go no further.

@evergreen Yes but part of what would make the chemistry work would be that such issues were not present or were negotiable.

@Sgt_Spanky Catch 22 huh ? As we don't always know all those things about someone in advance.

You live in the states... to find someone that loves and is passionate about their job(s), rather than someone that just does any lousy job(s) to get by or to pay bills, will be difficult.

@demifeministgal It is what makes finding such an element among the others so rare, but worth holding to the standard; especially if it is work that can be shared.
"Love, work and knowledge are the wellsprings of our life. They should also govern it." Wilhelm Reich, M.D.

It is a shame that your capitalistic, neo-liberal society has forced many to settle for available jobs, rather than their passions. And now with unemployment rates rising due to covid-19, prospects will be even more grim now. I did not know men used lack of love for one's job as a disqualifier and you've got me somewhat worried. XD

@demifeministgal To distinguish work from toil requires knowing toil first, in my mind. Some are fortunate and able to pursue real work from the start without having to struggle to that level. Others of us go through life never discovering the difference; as we also confuse mere information with knowledge and sexual attraction with love.

Our cores know the difference and in the absence of oppressive, androcentric 'civilization', our kind demonstrates that we're equipped to discern the differences.

okay. But one can have knowledge that they are toiling but lack the resources, supports or financial assets to pursue something they actually love. I mean there is a reason poverty is a generational cycle and the cycle of poverty is very difficult to escape in USA. It is not due to lack of knowledge, but lack of OPPORTUNITIES and resources that other classes or previous generations took for granted.

@demifeministgal In a capitalistic society one must create opportunities not await them. The tools are determination, imagination and resourcefulness. Another common confusion exists between what is free enterprise capitalism and what is exploitative, corrupt corporatism. Enemies of the latter usually equivocate it with the former. Misinformation and intentional mis-'education' are at the roots. Not clear if one isn't acquainted with political philosophy native to us. It includes a lot of 'English law' principles but is a different animal. We are also confused with democracies for some of the same reasons.

I just don't think everyone can be successful, even under "free enterprise capitalism". There are too many variables in society and systemic structures working against people be it in the form of racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, etc. Even if none of those existed, there will still be those that have health problem and/or come from abusive or neglectful households/upbringings that cannot thrive as entrpreneurs, at least until their issues are addressed.

This research demonstrates my thinking on it: "I argue here that the mainstream narrative (its assumptions, its logic, its conclusions, and its rhetorical choices and emphases) systematically obscures, dismisses, and ignores essential ways that racial inequality has been (re)produced by US capitalism. Especially striking is the resounding silence about the legacy of racist economic practices—in particular, the ways in which the enormous black/white wealth gap (and its effects) in the USA are linked to centuries of racist exclusion, violence, and plunder. The mainstream narrative thus whitewashes capitalism and exonerates “the market system.” The final section argues for a radical multidisciplinary economics."

[journals.sagepub.com]

@demifeministgal You have an abundance of infromation and it is understandable. They call this the information age... There is, in our time, a confusion about it though. Knowledge is definitely comprised of information, but all information isn't necessarily knowledge, in that so much of it just isn't so. To be edifying and 'educational' information must be accurate and not rife with false assumptions and twisted, tortured assumptions about motives. Language is also important to be as free as possible from definitive distortions and assumptions.

Take 'success', for example. It is measured by many more indices than mere acquisition of wealth. The fundamental principle at work in our system is protection of the 'pursuit of happiness', NOT guarantee of 'success' at acquiring material wealth to the exclusion of any other measures of success.

IF one wishes only to acquire and hang on to money to the exclusion of all other considerations, hard work and tenacity will produce a lot of it. Common sense about how to make the money work for itself is all that is required to achieve great wealth from that point. This is why some of the most financially successful people are looked upon (rightfully so) as stingy, self-serving, self-absorbed misers by friends and especially family. They have and live by a single priority.

If they have hearts and compassion, wealth accumulation will be slower and maybe not at all. but it is entirely their choice. If they become addicted to drugs, other artifice or extravagance, obviously they will fail at material 'success'. It really isn't that hard to do IF, that is all that is important or all one uses to measure success. Race and sex will make it easier or more difficult but that is NOTHING NEW. The world has always been a place where it's who you know or how hard you want to work and struggle.

Fairness? There is no such thing in nature or, for that matter, human nature. It is a completely human, ideal and only exists to the extent that humans act to create it. Don't hold your breath long awaiting it.

Well I think peer reviewed economic or social science research papers are pretty credible and reliable knowledge bases. Others may prefer YouTube or personal experiences or experience of those they admire.
Are you suggesting that I was making assumptions or that the peer reviewed article was making assumptions?
I think the American capitalist structure is in fact preoccupied with hoarding wealth and making profits and does not concern itself with the pursuit of happiness.

oooh yeah - forgot that one ...

Please don't die .....we need you ....sorry the xian lady did not work out ....we could double date ....2 tall Atheists spreading our peacock feathers with scientific women testing our chemistry at the movies or bowling or a safe rendezvous where all 4 of us chaperone each other. Come to Ames only 17 positive cases here....Des Moines is scary with hundreds of people dying and JOHN MONROE BRANCH still murdered on Garfield Street 1983....

That works for me. I just cannot see anybody moving with me at this point in time. It would hafta be a very special someone.

Haven’t reached the four-legged stage myself.. Still leaving room for a primate I guess; semi-bare walls, no pets, no bad habits, no collections or junk … but damn ..if life isn’t trying hard to fill in those gaps

@Varn I should be more honest and say the dog allows me to live here because I have opposable thumbs and she doesnt.

When I met my husband, he was missing a couple of teeth...or so he told me, when we spoke the next day. I seriously hadn't noticed!

I was so much more interested in the words coming out of his mouth, than I was in the teeth within it. ❤