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You need to love yourself first to be able to create a good relationship. Do you agree?

ladyinred1967 5 Apr 5
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35 comments

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1

Er, tough to say. I've heard convincing arguments on both sides.

Do most people typically love themselves? I dunno--but I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest the notion that most people are less than (what I would call) perfectly "mentally or emotionally healthy." So how helpful of a rubric is it, really?

I've heard (from 'ceedling', on YouTube) the argument that this is a potentially damaging thing to say to someone with low self-esteem, depression, or other mental health issues-- tantamount to saying, "You're not mentally healthy? Tough shit--no relationship for you!" I'm not sure I fully agree with all the nuances of this argument, but it has its points.

For the most part, I agree that self-love, -compassion, and -acceptance are--and should be--the foundation of many ways of relating to and regarding others. I like what Ken Keyes Jr. has to say about it in A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships: (paraphrased): "Develop a relationship with yourself before pursuing a relationship with someone else.". "Don't expect the relationship to make you happy.". "Involvement, yes; addiction, no."

I think it's a very subtle, nuanced issue and cannot be encapsulated satisfactorily by pat platitudes.

Yes. I also have issue with the inference that a person isn't"worthy" of love because they struggle with mental/emotional issues. That's a pretty awful thing to say to someone who already feels that they don't matter.

4

I don't agree at all. Like someone else mentioned, there's the point that this is terrible advice for someone with mental health issues that involve self-loathing. It's never something that's going to go away, no matter how much therapy and medication one engages in. It can be managed and worked around, but it's always there. There are plenty of people who don't love themselves, but are able to give love to others.

Personally, I hate myself a lot of the time. But I have plenty of love for other people and I've found that if I own my emotions and am transparent and forthcoming about how it's my mental illness that makes me feel this way, it can be worked with, like any chronic illness. And when I'm in emotion mind and lose my ability to see these things, I hope that my partner can help me come back to self-awareness--again, like with any other chronic illness that flares up. Just as I would help them with any similar trouble.

Relationships are work, remember. And there are enough obstacles. I prefer to tear this one down.

4

I tend to disagree ... Because it depends on the person and the situation. To tell someone they are not capable to have a relationship simply because they can't love themselves is pretty ballsy. Who are you to say what their degree of self worth is ... If two people feel a connection and work together to make a relationship work they'll find a way. I think all people are capable of love.

Gozer Level 4 Apr 5, 2018
3

I found that when you do not love yourself, it is like a hole that you are trying to fill with other people's love or activities that keep you busy. At some point, the activities are in a lull, and the other person is busy... and you start to feel all that emptiness and panic. No matter where you go, there you are.. and if you love you, there is no emptiness. Oh you'll feel sad, angry, and disappointed, but never unloved and rarely lonely.

2

I think you do have to be comfortable in your own skin.

2

I've been loving myself so long I'm starting to take myself for granted.

Haha!

2

Agree and you are doing great loving yourself. Great picture, looking good !!!! (Just in case, I better clarify in advance: I mean it ) ??

2

...coming form a man who has some issues with his own demons, I can't agree with you more. If you don't like yourself, how can you ever expect anyone else too?

1

Absolutely.

1
1

Difficult if you don't

1

Of course.
Would you date yourself ?
Would you want to date someone that does not have self-love ? I would not, because that would tell me that he will not be strong enough to withstand the storm.

1

Absolutely, you need to know yourself, before you can know what you want/love

Knowing doesn'the mean loving.....

1

The key, it seems to me, is that a healthy relationship brings out the best qualities in each, while diminishing the negative ones.

1

I agree

ebdb Level 7 Apr 6, 2018
1

Absolutely.

1

I do agree. Sadly I don't have any self esteem from the verbal abuse from my ex and wonder why anyone might be interested in me. So I don't love myself so how could anyone else?

That's not necessarily true. There could be someone out there that would love you for the other things about you. My ex was very insecure and was abused before me. I loved her.

1

Yes. If you hate yourself how can you love someone else. Get your mind right before trying to find a s/o.

1

I don't love myself, I'm OK ,I've never killed anybody and I'm not mental or anything ...

1

Yes. That is why I'm not in anymore relationships.

1

I disagree.
My best friend had to spend years trying to show me how important I was for me to finally believe it..

It depends on how patient a person is.

1

Totally agree!

1

I'd say that is fabulous advice.

1

If you don't love yourself how could you love another?

1

You certainly do!!

1

Definitely need to like yourself.

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