Just hang on in there, the ONLY person/thing that can change your life and you is YOU and YOU can do it, rest assured of that.

You're not abandoned! We are here, and so are you, stay strong remember there always light at the end of the tunnel even if it's a big ass train something's going to change.

I grew up with an abusive father who was both physically abusive, and mentally abusive, and on top of that he was a child molester who molested my oldest half-sister, and may even have molested his own. One of my first memories is seeing him out in the field with my older half-brother spanking him with a rope, holding on to his hand so he could not escape and they were going around and around. The aftermath was seeing the purple welts on my older brother's legs. And all the boys in the family experienced that type of thing. He treated the boys of the family like slaves. He treated the girls, most of them, as if they were angels, but as I said, he did molest my oldest half-sister and quite possibly some of my other sisters.
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At fourteen years of age, I made a promise to myself, that I would NOT be like him, no matter what the cost.
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At fourteen, I had come to the point where I knew he was not a role model . . . and actually looked outside of my family for role models, they were really a mix of teachers, authors, scientists, it was just a hodgepodge of what I saw that was positive outside of the family. That was probably one of the most important steps of reaching a point were I felt more safe and able to progress. But, as anyone who has ever been abused knows, the whole fucking thing follows you around throughout your life.
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In college, I was able to get counseling, which helped a lot. After that, and skipping quite a few years, having always been an avid reader, I started reading some powerful stuff.
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I wrote this a few years ago about that journey:
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Between reading Greek Tragedies, Aldous Huxley, Albert Camus, Jean Paul Sartre, Freud, and Friedrich Nietzsche, in my late 20's, I had a life-changing event. Something slowly formed, an understanding of it all . . . understanding that, in life, what perspective we have is incredibly important . . . . it is not the path of least resistance that we should set out for ourselves and our future . . . it is challenging the limits . . . the young man took it all in . . . . from Greek Tragedies the notion of struggling against clearly insurmountable odds, knowing that the goal is unreachable, but continuing on, in defiance of the gods . . . yes, defiance. From Aldous Huxley, understanding that we must look at the world around us through the eyes of a child, without pre-judgement, from Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre, the understanding of the void, and defiance of it, from Friedrich Nietzsche, the amazing and dizzying heights, exploring the mountain tops and the lowest valleys, and reveling in it all. When the young man came to understanding what is often most difficult to overcome or conquer for him was not only his greatest challenges in life, but also that which brought forth the greatest rewards, he had almost unwittingly put in place a chain of events that would lead him on a road that was beyond anything he could have imagined, that golden mean that the mind reaches, a Prometheus, Sisyphus, a muse . . . . . So now as much older man, he looks back and is thrilled, even wondrous of how the young man, without a guide found his way out of the deepest, darkest valleys and into the high mountain tops. . . . . . That which is difficult is a challenge . . . . for when you have a defiant attitude towards barriers, it sets the mind to work in a way that has the potential to form a juggernaut that runs through the deep, dark valleys like Dionysus and his revelers, full tilt, head on, unflappable . . . unstoppable. In English, we say we understand . . . under-stand. The Ancient Greeks used a word quite different in perspective. Their word, ἐπισταμια . . . . which means in English "I understand" . . . . however, in Ancient Greek, it means "I overstand" . . . . to see from above . . . . Now that is perspective!
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In the end, we are ultimately responsible for what we do in life, and, as they say, "What we do in life echoes in eternity." My father's deeds will echo in eternity, and I kind of helped that along by publishing all of that on the world wide web, with his full name, all the details, including a letter my mother wrote explaining it.
As for me, I am very much the opposite of him, and we who have experienced it know very well that that does not mean I suddenly came to a point were it became easy . . . . it didn't, and there has been huge costs involved in dealing with the things that never go away. But in the end, the way that I look at it, is if you become like them, they have won. That is how this old wizard sees it, you are never finished with slaying the dragons, but victory is much more likely once you change your perspectives.
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"He who criticizes himself . . . respects himself . . . as one who criticizes." Friedrich Nietzsche

Based on my experience, realizing the childhood foundation (cause, and subsequent ramification) of your current emotional state of self is a (the) major step in mitigating the damage of the past and moving forward with in the informed positive light of what makes you, you.

My hat is off to you (respect) and with your understand of the past, I hope you find a path from the emotional trap those in your childhood set.

Decades ago after a nearly ten year relationship ended I spent many nights walking alone and analyzing why I chose to try to try to save a decade older woman that I knew would and did provide a profound source for much sadness as apposed to choosing a woman (The chemistry and intellect was right but she didn't need saving) that would have likely been a mutually beneficial experience. I found reflecting and tracing my behavior (placing the needs of another above my own) to my childhood was a crucial discovery in determining why I am what I am. This gave me the insight to judge my emotional behavior and enabled me to build tools to recognize and adjust as needed such emotional states and behaviors. Don't know if I can completely "break free from the mind trap" but recognizing how it was built allows me to build passages into a world less restricted by the past.

Hope you find a happier mind state.

I freakin' LOVE Chick tracts! Jack Chick was a mad genius. He was so messed up on religion and wanted everybody else to be as mental as he was and he sought to accomplish this through the seemingly harmless medium of cartoons.

It is good that you seem to be seeing the past as it really was and how it affected your life. Now you are on the road to healing and joining this group will just be another path to, hopefully, a normal and happy life. Many here have been through some form of this childhood abuse and become stronger because of it. Unfortunately, many do not become well and go to pass on more abuse. You seem to be of the former so congratulations are in order. Questioning everything can be a powerful medicine.

Bullies want to make you weak and manipulatable, and if they see that, then other bullies move in too. The psychological bullies in religion are no different from the physical type.The main thing is not to let them make you afraid to show your true self to people you trust, or not to trust anyone, then you are alone and the bullies have achieved their goal, of making you isolated.

I'm very sorry you've had these experiences! Continue on with therapy and keep interacting with others. Many of us here can empathize with you!

Oh yea, Chick. Somewhere I have a small box of those tucked away. Truly awful propaganda "leaflets."
Trauma very often makes people sitting ducks for religious appeal. Religions seem actually to count on it. It is obvious in any Franklin Graham tv commercial, or his father's before him. They always start with a suggestion ..."maybe you've been through pain of rejection and don't know where to turn..." Some such vomit like that.

Sometimes life just sucks. In those times I try to just keep putting one foot after the other, knowing that it will change. Everything changes.

When feeling abandoned by those I counted on to survive, I returned to the basics, what I could see, feel, and had a visceral, not a psychological effect on me. Long, long walks helped … as I’d observe both culture and nature. Arriving home, often late, I viewed the fuckedupness of my homelife as the isolated mess it was.. A non-religious upbringing does not assure sanity..

We appear to go where we fit, fitting better with others than family, as I drifted. Family appeared to ‘want me back’ … cool, but they had to earn it. Over time, they did ..or convinced me they were sincerely trying.. As is, and a longtime escaped, I became their star of sorts…

We all struggle, it’s a biological necessity. I fought back, then escaped. It sounds as though you have too. Different traps, similar minds … stay the course

Hang in there ...better days are coming.

I'm just sad you felt that way. You're neither hopeless nor abandoned. Hugs.

I hear you. This is the way religion operates.