You haven't healed. It requires work. Change the things you can. Accept the things you can't. Wisdom to know the difference. To heal you must envelope the wound a a body would envelope & encase a foreign object. The wound then becomes a scar one learns to live with but without the anguish. Life is painful. Make an effort to find a manner in which to honor his memory & celebrate his life. Volunteer with youth programs. Make a donation in his name. See a grief counselor who can guide you through the process. I did. & tho there is still the memory of the trauma, it is no longer eviscerating. Seek healing.

I am not sure that one can ever make sense of such a loss, let alone "accept" it. My husband died, not by another's hand. All of the rationalizing did not ever make that ok with me. I eventually grew sick and tired if banging my head against the proverbial wall until bloody. So, I am roughly ok with the actuality of it never being ok, that it will never make sense. I've accepted that total unexplainable bull shit happens, and happened to us.

Sorry, this likely is of no help whatsoever. It's just the roundaabout way that I've personally dealt with it.

The idea we are supposed to get over stuff. is wrong. our friends indulged us a while then say you get over it. are not your friends. May be they got their own problems but do you say to them Get over it? I never get over anything!

I know it's not a pity party, you just want to get off the damn roller coaster. I bet you have had thousands of "what if" scenarios bouncing around in your mind and it is keeping the rage alive. The "killer" didn't just steal your brother he stole the life you, your family, and friends had. The security, the comfort, and the ease. You can’t look or talk to anyone who knew your brother without the rage resurfacing, it changed everything, the relationships have changed and it pisses you off.

No kind words are going to break the cycle you’re on, only you can do that and you need to see the pattern in order to break it. Sit down in front of a video camera and let the rage spill out, every “what if” you can remember every angry thought, every scenario your mind cooked up. Spend at least an hour or two and let it all out, then wait a few days and when you’re calm watch the video several times. See the pattern and start working out a strategy to get yourself off this damn rollercoaster.

Thirty years of pain and grief, it’s time to get pro-active.

I am so very sorry for your loss. The passage of time does not always make some losses easier to deal with. You always miss the person who is gone.
That said, the "guilt" is NOT yours to bear. Guilt implies responsibility. You have NONE.
You do not 'know' that you could have protected him, you don't even know if you wouldn't have been murdered, too. I sincerely hope you're able to let go of that guilt. You didn't do anything wrong.
And that's all well and good, and easy for me to say. I know.

My first husband was killed by a drunk driver (I was 19 at the time). I spent a considerable amount of time blaming myself for the fact that he'd been out that night. "If only we hadn't been apart that night", "If I had been a better wife, he'd have been at home instead", "I should have done more to make our marriage work better". Etc, etc, ad infinitum. Finally, I let myself off the hook. I HAD to. The guilt was eating me alive. I had to face the facts of the situation, and not allow my emotions to influence what was true, and what wasn't. By the time I finally made my peace with all of it, I was almost 35, and had been married and divorced in the interim.
I wasn't behind the wheel of either vehicle. I wasn't the one who made the choice to drink and drive and bring about the death of another person. My husband was the one who made the choice to be out that night, and take the route that he had. I had nothing to do with any of it.
We cannot blame ourselves for the randomness of life. Terrible things will happen that we will haven't had any hand in. Please be gentle with yourself. None of what happened is your fault. None of it.

I've made it well into middle age without losing any immediate family members, so I can't say that I've experienced what you're feeling now. What I know is what others have told me. Things like, "You don't 'get over it.' The loss will always be there. Rather, it just comes to not dominate your thoughts and feelings every minute." Also, someone told my aunt this when she was attending a grief support group: "Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve." I thought that was wise advice.

As for your circumstances, you lost him only two weeks ago. This is fresh trauma. Cut yourself some slack, man. No one (other than yourself, perhaps) expects you to just shake this off and get on with life. Also, in no way was his passing your fault. And, though it won't make things better, I hope the murderer is brought to justice.

Woodron, my dad was killed when I was three years old, my sister was two, and my 25 year old mother was pregnant with my brother. It was a horrendous event. The entire family, both my mom's side and my dad's side, were devastated. Some on my dad's side, his brothers, never recovered even decades after his death. My grandmother passed away still shedding tears over her first-born's killing. I was so small that the effect of missing a father only kicked in in my teens. I think in my family I can honestly say that my father's mother died never having "gotten over it". And how could anyone expect her to. She lived her life, raised her kids, and maintained her marriage, but that loss never dissappeared. You loved your brother so much. The feelings you have mean: I miss you. I think about you. I am angry for you. I am alive for you. I laugh for you. I anguish for you. I speak for you. You will never be forgotton.
Those feelings in you will never allow him to die. He will always be alive in you. So, don't beat yourself up. And don't blame yourself either. I'm sure your brother would not expect you to. I'm sure if he could he would say "It wasn't your fault ". And Woodron, it wasn't.

You can't change the past. Don't feel guilty. I too feel that way about the recent death of a loved one. I couldn't save him and I will never be the same. Just hold his memory in your heart. My condolences

The pain will be less intense but never there. Hugs from a far.

It is horrible that your brother was murdered

I would create a blog post in his memory.

Make it as perfect as you can. Use WordPress or something...

Put your heart and soul into it. Hopefully this will prove cathartic and enable you to contain your grief so that it doesn't affect your life too much.

Venting's fine. I have never gone through such an event, and I hope I don't have to. I had a negative event about 29 years ago. Although I have mostly gotten over it, there must be just enough of a thread in my mind that it still hangs on and shows its face occasionally. When I refuse to feed it, it goes away again for a while. That's the best I've been able to do. Anyway, keep us in mind when you need to vent.

I also felt some guilt and starting thinking of all the ways I could have acted differently but my actions did not get him killed, the person who decided to kill him is to blame.

It has been nearly 24 years and now I mostly just feel sad about what could have been.

You are obviously a good man. If you could have you would have but now can't change that. You will remain a good man even though the "what if" thoughts go many times through your mind. I feel for you and your family. Hugs mate, hope you make it ok in the end

I understand your anger and from my own experience I can tell you that at some point you have to set that down because it's not your burden to carry. We have free will, we make decisions and there are results that occur from those decisions, that's all there is to it.
My older brother was given 10 years max to live after he underwent heart surgery and died on the table, the surgery team was able to revive him but it was clear he would never survive another surgery and the work they did would only last a maximum of 10 years, he was a ticking time bomb. I pleaded with him to retire at 55 and spend his last years doing the things he had always dreamed of before it was too late. Instead he continued to go to work at a job I knew he hated and he spent the rest of his time doing missionary work for his religion. He got 7 of the 10 years he was expecting to get before a brain embolism ended his existence, I was angry with him for wasting his last years and angry with my self for not getting him to see this. It's been more than 3 years and I am learning to put down this burden because it isn't my burden to bear. My brother wanted to roll the dice and hope for a better life next time on his paradise earth that he believed in, his and not mine.
My younger brother's wife shot herself in the head a few months after my older brother died and my younger brother wanted to follow her into the grave using the same gun. I managed to stop him from doing that and helped get him back on his feet again, he resents me for it so much that he has physically attacked me and threatened to kill me. Did I do the right thing? Is it my fault for not letting him blow his brains out? I don't think so but he may disagree with me, not my burden to bear.
Put it down, your brother made a choice and it worked out badly for him, full stop.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. 2 weeks is a little too soon to expect to be able to 'put it behind you'. Allow yourself to grieve and come to terms. There will always be sadness when you think of your brother (even later when you are able to smile at things you did together) but you will learn to live with it. Allow time to pass

Hi Ron,
I am so desperately sorry for your loss. There are no adequate words and your pain is tangible. You have to hold onto life every single day. Here if you want a chat

Your story is heartbreaking; my sympathies are for you, your children and family.

Life can be cold, cruel, and random. Shitty things just happen sometimes because the universe doesn't give a shit.

If you want to feel pissed, go ahead and feel that way. It's better than thinking stupid shit to console yourself, like his murder being part of some higher plan. But go easy on yourself.