Help me to figure out, please, how I done wrong on another dating site.
So, a gal reached out and initiated contact. Cool! Flattering.
She was younger than my 'clip plane' of acceptable (I am hard and fast at 35, anything below... is just too far below). She basically sent me a smiley.
I read through her profile. In my response I initially responded to something that was exciting, a bit surprising, and interesting. By way of saying "yes, indeed, I DO read through profiles and consider them important."
Then, and here's the critical part, I sent another message: "why me? I am a broken and a few years up."
The next thing I knew I was informed that she'd "moved on.' eHarmony for "you've been blocked.'
So, yeah, I know, starting out with a negative is not the best move. I get it. However, I am just trying to be honest. I am widowed, haven't quite gotten over that SHOCK, but am in a place where I think, that with help, I can do so... but, as a person who has survived being a 24/7 caregiver... even if it is brief.. is this what you want? Thus, the "why me?" question.
All that said, I have taken this as a "obviously NOT me" and I can move on.... the real question here is: do you gals want honesty, or not? It seems that if I am honest, then I get the door shut in my face (which tells me you are NOT going to be the one to help me).... but, the incidious part of me knows that if I put on my 'playa' hat and just play the game, I could entice you in, I could play the game... I could, in point of fact, be dishonest and sucker you in so that you could be the person who helps nurse maid me back to a better, psychological, place and help me to move on to the right person... which I see as dishonest.
So, which do you want? Honesty, which scares you away, or dishonesty which... entices you in?
In both cases we could end up with a lasting relationship (which is what my intent is, no matter the tools I might choose to use).
A bit of a breakdown on why we are here: I am asking becaus honesty seems to scare away many contacts that seem quite, wonderfully, viable. It is a point of fact that by being scared away, you are likely a better prospect (insert irony here) than someone who is NOT scared away... one of lifes ironies... and thus the crux of my question: I see being scared away as a form of honesty that I value... why can't we embrace that, rather than running away? Why can't we embrace, and help, that person who needs help, rather than being frightened off by that need for help? Which might well lead to a better relationship?
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14 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Her departure sermed harsh.
To answer your question— for me, honesty is paramount.
Also, my choosing a whole and emotionally healthy person is paramount.
I would run for the hills if any potential partner stated or intimated that they needed the level of emotional help you describe. I want a partner, not a project, ward or child.
If I were to meet somebody as a potential partner whose spouse has died, I would expect that they had dealt with and mostly healed from the trauma that makes feel like they are broken. If they were not ready to move forward with life and love, even while never forgetting their spouse, I would avoid getting involved because they would not truly be emotionally available.
This is just my opinion—what I would do for me, and is a response to your specific questions and the situation you described in your OP. It is not meant to imply that I know about who you are and what makes you tick.
BlueWave
Level 8
May 9, 2018
1
I don't want to be a project and intend to never be a burden on anyone. But, I am grieving. It's been a while and I still am hit with the occasional tsunami of tears... if you can't put up with that, then let's not start.
And I said "broken" I didn't say how... while grief is one of them (I don't hide that I am a widower, I've run into too many heartless women who can't get over that, better to just be up front about it and shake my head as they walk away, knowing I don't need to invest any energy there... and yes, I have had women I was talking to find out and react in really horrible ways. So, fine. If you can't handle it, then, you are not for me. 
Truth is, I also have a broken heart. It's called Left Bundle Branch Block. In this case, maintenance is just working together to not be couch potatoes and eat healthy.
I don't think working with your partner during times of highs and lows is too much to ask... in fact, I helped my wife through 8 years of cancer... the world you describe... implies I should've walked away and left her at the first sign of problem. Not going to do that and I just ask the same of my partner. Partners support each other. They don't blanch and walk away at the first sign of trouble.
@Gnarloc I didn’t imply anything of the sort. It may be better for you to work on healing before trying to find love again. Many of us have had to go through the pain you are still going through. I would never expect my partner to forget or even stop talking about a lost partner. I would expect them to feel whole and emotionally open and ready for new love. I suspect I am not alone there. If how you are doing life and dating works for you, keep on keeping on. Take care.
@BlueWave this is where I got that sentiment from:
"Also, my choosing a whole and emotionally healthy person is paramount.
I would run for the hills if any potential partner stated or intimated that they needed the level of emotional help you describe. I want a partner, not a project, ward or child."
In your comment above.
@Gnarloc Hi and Happy Friday!
My response, including that which you excerpted above, is a response to the below statements that you made here--specifically the bolded sections--and which you have previously made in other posts.
“…I sent another message: "why me? I am a broken and a few years up."
"...haven't quite gotten over that SHOCK, but am in a place where I think, that with help, I can do so... but, as a person who has survived being a 24/7 caregiver... even if it is brief.. is this what you want?
"...the real question here is: do you gals want honesty, or not?"
"...door shut in my face (which tells me you are NOT going to be the one to help me)..."
I answered your question honestly. I stand by it, and I stand by my belief that you are going to have a hard time in any relationship in which you have the above expectations. That is, unless you happen upon an equally broken person who is inclined to be your therapist, along with your partner.
You misinterpreted the context of what I wrote if you surmised, to any degree, that my message was that you "...should've walked away and left her at the first sign of problem." We are talking about potential partners and relationships -- NOT your relationship with your wife.
With complete sincerity, I would kindly recommend your (and anybody else who has suffered the loss of a loved one) checking out, and participating in, the very wonderful community forum called and The Light Beyond Bereavement. When my fiance died, I practically lived on the site and it truly was a valuable tool. [thelightbeyond.com]
When I view members at OKC and agnostic.com I am surprised to see so many young women. And then women of all ages. (Damn we are all a lonely lot.)
I know using these sites can help with filtering the ne’r-do-wells. Sorta like Manpower, and other employment agencies. But they do restrict the odd bumping into someone at a party, social event, museum, restaurant, where the first words are usually, “Hello.” No profile, no history, no clarity of what is expected.
This is especially the case with so many profiles starting with “Read my profile and write something wonderful, or else go away!” Too many of these people are in a hurry. They expect all of the conversations that would happen in the workplace, social places,… are to be condensed into the first message, or else they do not respond. (Stupid at best.)
How can a conversation begin if the expectations of immediate success preclude its starting?
I understand the urgency. But, hurriedness most often results in mistakes. And missed happinesses.
JacarC
Level 8
May 9, 2018
1
"What do you women want?"
Each one of us wants what we want. Each one of us is unique & different. None of us can answer "what do you women want?"
You connected with someone who bailed for what reason? Who even knows.
Some want reality & honesty.
Some want a fantasy.
Some want a momentary thrill or distraction.
Do not be discouraged by one, perhaps, shallow fluzzie.
Its an inter net dating site where dating is peripheral.
You can not fulfill the unfulfillable.
Mooolah
Level 8
May 9, 2018
1
Yeah, I should have stated that better as I KNOW that it's an individualistic thing... I guess I was hoping to get at some generalities that we can all agree to. Well, hoping to refine beyond the obvious ones like showing up dragging a corpse is a no-no, or beating up the wait staff... obvious things that say you are a thug and undatable.
Well, a lot of people are dishonest and I really don't care for them. Although it raises the chances I'll be burned, I'm willing to risk that to keep it honest. You don't have to remember who you told what, it's just much easier. It frees up the cycles for you to keep track of what you are hearing, too. YMMV
zeuser
Level 9
May 9, 2018
1
Honesty is imperative. Remember that there are a lot of scammers online, preying upon the bereaved and lonely. Unfortunately, they consider key words like "widow" and "widower" synonymous with "vulnerable." If a potential match on a dating site sounds too good to be true, it's likely that they are. Anybody that seems eager to immerse you into a full blown "relationship" right out of the gate is a red flag. Please proceed with caution.
Deb57
Level 8
May 9, 2018
4
Agreed... likely a bot. Also I know some people just send a smiley or hello to be friendly with no interest in meeting. Females get many more messages than males so they don't all have the time to reply to them all... I think you're thinking too hard about this one-off experience. As someone else said, be honest, but don't put all the cards on the table immediately. This isn't being honest, it's just not being burdensome, and shows that you're willing to both talk and listen in a give-and-take fashion.
Spooner
Level 6
May 9, 2018
1
I don't think this was a bot... if I thought that, I would not have raised the experience here for a discussion. Could this be a bot? Sure, but I have dealt with a LOT (sadly) of fake profiles, this one didn't fit my usual list of 'red flags.'
Ironically, I use a 'smiley' as a way to try to break the ice. A way of saying, "hey, I looked at your profile and we could be a match, please check out mine." This is for profiles that I think are iffy matches. Strong matches I contact.
Lol. Poor woman. You could have been the one. I'm sure she clearly needs an indepth analysis on her flawed choice.
Sorry if my sarcasms thick. Ranting about online dating just doesn't seem like a top priority. But you reminded me of a serial dater in my old athiest singles group. Always a new story about a womans rejection. Then some weeks later he propositioned another woman, same story. Guess they weren't wanting to be the next bar side discussion of the week.
Virgoan
Level 5
May 9, 2018
1
She initiated contact, not I. Yes, my response could've been more... politic.
However, at 55 when a 32 year old sidles up... I start to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, I am flattered, but I am not the kind of guy who just jumps from bed to bed... in fact, well, I find that when it's a cheap thrill, I can't perform. I need to be invested. So, as much as I enjoy a quick roll in the hay, it has to be with someone I know, I trust, and I am invested in for the future.
I have no problem with the sarcasm, your point is valid... but, the big barb is that I was apparently mansplaining when I was just trying to be honest...
For starters, you shouldn't be assigning values to unknowns. Perhaps this woman found someone in the intervening days. Perhaps she was in a casual dating relationship with someone and it leveled up. You’re assuming information not in hand when you say that asking your question “Why me?” is what caused her to disconnect.
Next, looking for a woman to "help you" is problematic. No one owes you a repair job, that’s on you. Beyond that, if you feel the need to ask someone if they prefer honesty or dishonesty, your people skills are probably not up to the level of actual social interaction/dating. And then there’s this view of yours that people who are "scared away" are engaging in a form of honesty that you value...what is it that you value in another person’s insecurity? Why is it that your intention, “regardless of the tools you use” is to be admired, yet someone else’s approach gets them labeled as dishonest, or at the very least, fearing honesty?
Assessment: If you being “honest” has somehow frightened away several prospects, you might need to reevaluate your “honesty” and check it for inappropriateness.
Cricket9
Level 5
May 9, 2018
7
Good points all.
This wasn't over the course of days. She contacted me. I answered, the next day (I think it was morning) I was blocked. We never got to any other conversation.
I actually have taken on the stance that if the encounter is cut off so easily, we aren't meant to be, so, it's good information. Ie: it keeps us from putting energy into a relationship that is doomed. Move on, and see if someone else is better.
I am not looking to be 'fixed'. I am not a project. That said, I am a grieving widower. I have come to the conclusion that grief is an ongoing process. It's not a light switch event that happens and you just turn if ott when it isn't convenient, then back on when it is. It just is. I don't want to blindside someone with this information in what, to me, would feel like a bait and switch setup. Ie: high, I'm Mr. Perfect, then months later, oh, by the way, I am a widower, deal with it. Should I put this RIGHT up front? I don't know, but I'd rather know that it was known... and yeah, that comes off a bit like checking it off of a list of things to do, because... if I don't, I won't get it done. You are also right to think that after a month or so, this information should've come out... I just want to be up front about it so as not to waste our time as I have been in the situation of getting to know someone and it became obvious that I was to excise all memory of my wife... not going to happen. Yes, I should not constantly bring her up, but you can't ask me to forget her, nor my father, mother, or sister (also deceased). My experience, so far, is that you don't forget strong formative people and things in your life. I'd rather not entangle myself with someone who is just going to be put out whenever something reminds me of a lost loved one (who ever that is).... and I prattle on, because I have.
As for my honesty being a problem... that smacks of asking me to be dishonest. Nearly everyone says to be honest. Am I maybe a bit too direct? Sure, that's possible... and, I admit to being a bit socially inept. Geek, nerd, etc here and all that goes with it... is that reason to push me into a windowless room and forget about me? Which your response seems to hint at...
There's honesty, and then there's discretion. There are also people who can't deal with either one. Bottom line for me is, be honest but don't be an open book, not right away, that's something that needs to be built towards. But dishonesty is starting out on the wrong foot, because sooner or later if you want to get closer to someone the truth will come out. Be your best self, and if you get rejected consider it dodging a bullet. You don't need someone who likes you based on a lie.
bleurowz
Level 8
May 9, 2018
3
Either a bot, or a bullet dodged. Any real person not willing to engage in truthful and open conversation isn’t worthy of effort in my opinion.
Moose42
Level 5
May 9, 2018
2
My hopes were to open a dialogue and discuss things and get to know each other through said discussions... not necessarily about how I am broken.
For the record: I literally have a broken heart. Left Bundle Branch Block is where a specialized bundle of nerves is broken. I literally backfire on every heart beat. Right Ventricle, then Left Ventricle versus Left followed by RIght. The Atria fire correctly.
So, broken can mean a lot of different things...
Honesty's good! But you might save the more ''serious'' things for later on in a relationship. There IS a ''fine line'' between candor and scary-serious. Ask about her. See what she shares. You're not jumping into a life-relationship here...just beginning a potential friendship.
LucyLoohoo
Level 9
May 9, 2018
2
She was probably a bot that got caught
Simon1
Level 7
May 9, 2018
2
Normally I get an email from eHarmony informing me of that fact. Something to the effect that to protect its customers, an account that you are associated with has been suspended. I didn't get one of those here... so, I believe she is real (and she didn't set off any of my normal red flags... her profile read like a genuine person).
Enjoy being online again!
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