You're grieving your former self. I've recently learned that grieving is not saved for death. You need to identify that you've lost a part of your former self and accept and go through the steps of the grieving process. It may seem silly to consider it grieving, but try. Allow yourself the feelings and work though them. I whole heartedly believe you will come out better in the end.

Dear imahermit,
You are entitled to feel any way you feel, and yes, this is a great place to share. Smart young woman!

I never went through this, so I can't offer any personal advice, but I heard a podcast recently and there was an author 3/4 way through it who is a therapist for people who are leaving the faith. Her name is Marlene Winell. She has a website and books. She's awesome. What you're experiencing is called Religious Trauma Syndrome. It's very real, and entirely common.

Seth Andrews: Religious Trauma Syndrome -

Her website is journeyfree.org/rts. She says it's not that easy to unprogram, but it happens. I think you'll relate to her. This is a little from her site:

*Religious Trauma Syndrome has a very recognizable set of symptoms, a definitive set of causes, and a debilitating cycle of abuse. There are ways to stop the abuse and recover.

Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:

• Cognitive: Confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability & self-worth, black & white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making

• Emotional: Depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning

• Social: Loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks

• Cultural: Unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)

Causes of Religious Trauma Syndrome:

Authoritarianism coupled with toxic theology which is received and reinforced at church, school, and home results in:

• Suppression of normal child development – cognitive, social, emotional, moral stages are arrested

• Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities -information is limited and controlled; dysfunctional beliefs taught; independent thinking condemned; feelings condemned

• External locus of control – knowledge is revealed, not discovered; hierarchy of authority enforced; self not a reliable or good source

• Physical and sexual abuse – patriarchal power; unhealthy sexual views; punishment used as for discipline*

From Me: Kayakwoman

You're still young, so you have every chance to heal from this. I would recommend that wherever you go for college, there will be college therapists who specialize in the kind of adjustments all freshman make when leaving home. Don't hesitate to walk right in and ask for help. That's why they're there. They love to help young people because you have so much potential to heal and really become your best self!

One thing from me, personally: You can make your own promise to yourself to always be your best advocate, and trust your own instincts, and always do what's best for yourself. Part of the religious conditioning starts with undermining your own confidence in your own powers: So, I'll just say that I believe in you, not imaginary spooks in the sky. You should believe in yourself, too!!!

BIG HUG!!!

Well, that's the entire point of this site. To provide a community for atheists who've been alienated from their local community and who need the company of their fellow "heathens". And to provide support for those who are going through a crisis, like you are.

Now... I've pretty much always been an atheist. I was impervious to the pressure I faced in primary school, I'd stopped reciting the Lord's Prayer by 6. So perhaps I'm not the best person to talk about this. But I can say that there are a lot of people who've been through the exact same things you have, and they'll always be here to help.

But for my tuppence, don't go back to religion for the sake of comfort. You'll never be rid of doubt, and it'll keep gnawing away at you. Intellectual honesty is more important.

I am curious about this need (requirement) to fill a hole. When all four of my wisdom teeth were pulled (seemingly, against nature), nothing but gauze was given to me to fill those holes. Similarly, when we learn, perhaps for the first time, that Santa Claus was not a real person after all, and didn't ride in a flying sleigh, climb down chimneys, bring us presents, and didn't know what we were thinking, we may have been relieved, or, in some cases, left wanting. And yet, we know that there is no replacement for a wisdom tooth or Santa Claus. There is simply removal (elimination), and moving on.

It's perfectly alright to miss all that you found comforting in your life of faith. I too broke up with God, initially. After re-reading the Bible, I angrily demanded that Jehovah account for himself. No reply, of course. And then the Son didn't seem to answer me either, and so I began to wonder if I wasn't just praying to myself, much like talking to myself. It took years and the reading of many books (both critical and apologetic) for me to gradually emerge from the murkiness and gloom that was my brand of faith. And even then, there remained a tinge of nostalgia. In the words of Julian Barnes, "I don't believe in God, but I miss him."

But later, at some point, there was this "Aha moment." It's like, "Wait, you mean to tell me that ....?" To which I added, "Well, that makes no sense at all!" And from then on I felt 'cured' of this imposition on our minds that we call "Religion!" Logic and reason had won over credulity and tradition. Improved thinking acts as a vaccine against weaker thinking, and once you know a fact, or see a fraud, you can no longer 'un-learn' or 'un-see' what you have witnessed. I wish you the best, in deepest empathy, as you go about charting your own course. It was not easy for me, but in the end, rewarding. Do not give up on yourself. Peace.

You just keep hanging with us old heretics...you'll be fine!

You need support and some new friends but I never felt this way at all. Maybe that's because I am a loner.

There is no shame in survival.

I knew I was an Atheist at the age of six but quickly discerned that was not an acceptable thing to voice.

I went on to win almost ALL the Bible Verse award BS.

Adaptive colorization is a thing.

If you get involved in some other effort that helps others, larger than yourself but non religious, that might help. Habitat for Humanity, adult literacy, mentoring at risk youngsters, canvassing for a good politician, volunteering at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, your local pet shelter. And someone mentioned theater, I bet you can find a community theater group or even a high school that could use your help. You know god is a myth now, so we have to help each other ourselves. Good luck and let the guilt go!

Yes I had that empty spot for years, maybe decades, but as another commenter mentioned, you really can fill it with accurate information. It just takes time, but it definitely gets better. Best wishes.

I'm not sure if this is something you would be interested in but I have a friend who is a non-believer but she's extremely active at her LGBT church for the sense of community. Church can mean different things to different people.

I wish I could relate, since I was a doubter even as a small child, I never had to feel like I was breaking up with my beliefs. I just kind of shrugged what was left of them off easily once I felt ready to embrace my atheism entirely. It must be so hard for you when your sense of self, worth, and community has been tethered to a belief in Christianity. Christianity in the Bible Belt is particularly insidious, because you are surrounded by people who can't fathom not believing in and worshiping Jesus, and also feel they have been "called upon" to rescue you from your lack of belief. The atheists you can gain strength from in very Jesus-y areas of the country are scattered and hidden. So glad you have us to reach out to when you need bolstered. Feel free to message me if I can help.

I didn't as I never had a god but I think taking up a sport helps by turning a mental challenge into a physical one, like joining a running club etc. When my mind is at me, i sing if someone is droning on at me I sing silently in my head.and have learned not to care about what others think and feel about me- thats their problem not mine.

I think you're grieving hon, for the life you had, and that is to be expected. How couragous you are. Be kind to yourself, be patient. It will get easier.

I went through this as well. I spent several years in the Assemblies of God church. I've always had questions about god, the bible, etc., but I really fell for it. Went to church three to four times a week, bible class, played in the church band, made friends, everything. But it seemed like the deeper I got into the bible, the less sense/logic it made.

I'm not exactly "out" with my atheist feelings, although my wife knows how I feel, but she claims to be Christian/Catholic.

We all have to decide whether or not to believe in a supreme being or whether we are here by simple biology. It gets easier.

Once the doubt set in, I discovered the evil bible [evilbible.com] website. Very thorough and mind-opening when you start reading the things in the bible that the churches don't usually teach...take a look!

I've been atheist for so long that I can't begin to imagine what you feel like, but perhaps an analogy might help. Through my lifetime I been through varied mental health counseling; ADD, anxiety, who knows what else, and the resulting depression. One therapist described to me the difference between understanding something intellectually, and understanding something emotionally: it's not the same thing. I get intellectually what's going on with me, but I'm not getting it emotionally. It's the same thing with you. You understand intellectually the fallacy in the belief in God, but you are still struggling emotionally with it. But I can assure you that time will take of this as it had with me.

You do need new friends and new pursuits. It will take time, after all you were a practicing Christian for all long time. Good luck, and now you have all of us.

Hi Jennie. I've always been on the outside looking in when it comes to religion so I might not be the best person to comment. One of the things I've always respected about the religious community is exactly that, the community. But then, as you said, communities aren't always benign and if we don't conform we get pushed back into line. It sounds like you're a bit fed up with being pushed into line and you are looking for a non-judgmental, supportive community to replace the one you have left. You have made a great start here and reading through the comments this community is offering great support and advice. Well done on having the courage to be yourself.

It seems to be a good plan with replacing , take some classes to fill your void . It also takes time to overcome brainwashing

I kinda drifted away from faith and belief through high school and college. When my head finally cleared and I decided to get serious about my spirituality or lack - of, I realized that I actually didn't believe in the fairy tales. That part was easy for me because I'd already left and didn't really care for the social aspects.

I did deal with was a tremendous amount of doubt, guilt and fear. I was feeling very alone after a 20+ years of believing someone all-powerful gave a shit about me. It probably took 5 years to wean myself off of those feelings - I had to keep telling my emotional (irrational) self to yield to my rational self. Finally the good guy won. Beliefs developed in childhood are hard to break free from.

Not really something I went through myself but I am (or was) definitely a loner at that time. I also always had a ton of unconventional ideas but that wasn't always easy growing up in the ultra-conservative area I did in Canada.
I moved a lot and explored the world, near and far to better understand all people not just the ones that I grew up around. I didn't find I had or needed an outlet to share much of what I believed. I partied and made friends, moved away made new friends and life was became very satisfying when I stopped focusing on what I didn't have.

I guess be thankful for what you do have. You didn't get to this point in life by accident. The choices you make are always the right ones for you. Remember that and remember you are the only one that can be the best version of you. Coming to terms with a relationship ending that is so deeply ingrained in us is a difficult process but like all obstacles you become a better you working through it.

Keep on you path and know this community is full of people who share this in common. Some will have similar paths to yours and may have some useful advice.

This is a big transition for you. The only advice I really can offer is don't be too hard on yourself, always be honest with yourself and trust that you know what is right for you.

You sound young. I am 67 and am very proud of what you stated. In our younger years, other people matter as we develop our own identity. You are doing the correct thing my friend. Go deep into yourself and be honest with that other voice. Knowing we are a good person, hurting no one, is indeed god like. You may discover as most of have, that the so called god, forgiveness, or just pure love , lies in our self and lies there to be discovered. Eventually you will help others who cannot tolerate the godly guilt they suffer, or the rejection.. You can tell them all about and where to find answers, Love yourself

The cure for this is about two hits of magic mushrooms. By the second trip your self-awareness will bring about a transcendent calmness and confidence to your life with full acceptance of your decisions and the the opinions of others. Word of caution though, make sure you have a sober friend with you and a day or so to absorb it all. Also, an extra set of clean clothes.

I would bet that some of your church friends have serious doubts as well (at least the intelligent ones). you can at least come to terms with your true feelings & leave the hypocrisy behind.

My son, have you been introduced to the Flying Spaghetti Monster? He was boiled for your sins and his noodly embrace will feed you with maranara from heaven! Praise Cheeses! OR perhaps Dudeism is for you. Whatever, man.

I applaud your openness. You need to discuss this and get it off your chest.

I have seen this quite often in new deconverts. Leaving the faith represents a loss of some positive things, as you've pointed out: whatever real sense of community / common cause / refuge you had from it; the automatic directionality and purpose given you, without you having to conjure it for yourself; the assurance, false as it was, that you were "in the right" (rightness, as opposed to goodness, being a major emphasis of fundamentalism); friends and other social supports you have likely lost at least in part (e.g., your mother).

This seems like a high price to pay to the new deconvert. And it many ways it is, at least in terms of how it feels.

I had almost the best-case scenario as my exit happened at a time when my extended family was not part of my daily life or in close proximity such that we saw much of each other; my wife was un-threatened by it, which is unusual; my children were both out of the nest and pretty much out of the faith themselves; we had drifted away from regular church-going due to severe illness in the family; my parents were dead by the time I was fully "out", etc.

Even so, I spent many years adjusting my daily thought-habits and routines and figuring out what I could legitimately believe based on actual valid evidence, what I could not have a supportable view on due to lack of evidence, etc. What does one replace prayer with as a response to anxiety or worry? What does one say as an unbeliever in the face of grief and loss? Now that I don't have to toe the "party line" on the alleged evils of science and reason, what do I now think of these things? What do I simply do with all my free time now that I don't attend a minimum of three church services a week -- and how do I not feel guilt over it? There are a thousand such questions.

The best I can say without getting long-winded is that while this is a big job, it is finite, and it is doable, and eventually, it all comes together and gets better. It is much like any other major life change; at first you're at loose ends, but eventually (and unevenly) it becomes your "new normal" and it becomes familiar. Be patient with the process, and with yourself. What you're feeling is normal, and you won't always feel this way.

Oh, and I see you're quite young -- that helps a lot, too. I was in my late thirties to mid forties when I was sorting all this out for myself, and I had a lot more habit and a lot more disappointments to deal with.

I'll leave you with one thought top-of-mind. A lot of Christianity is learned helplessness. And a lot of freeing yourself from it is discovering that you're far more capable than you realize. You don't actually need all the little fallbacks and crutches. Your faith has denigrated your ability to reason, your ability to behave well / be good, deeming it "mere human" attributes and filthy rags when in fact it was all you ever had to begin with. Realize that the church has chronically taken credit for your talent and efforts on your own behalf. It does not actually serve as mediator of god's power and love and protection (since, as you now know, god doesn't exist to begin with), so what was responsible for the success and endurance you've had until now? That's right -- it was you anyway.

It's sort of the reverse of that old campfire story called "footprints in the sand" where someone goes to heaven and is asking Jesus why was there only one set of footprints in all the darkest hours of his life? And Jesus says "that was when I was carrying you". Well, no, your first impression was correct -- that was you carrying yourself; the other set of footprints never was actually there at any time.