This is usually on the top of what people "don't want to hear" about during a date. How do you feel about it personally?
Mostly, it depends on how they are talking about their ex. If it is about how lucky they were to get away. That's OK. If it's about how nasty they were and all men (women) are the same. Not OK. If it's about how they really messed up and the ex got away. That's really not OK.
This! If all of their exes were crazy or bad, well there's one common denominator there.
@Blindbird that's how it was in my last relationship, she had nothing good to say about her exes. The one I met seemed like a nice guy. I never trashed my exes, they were good people.
@Blindbird There is that! I guess hearing some good about an ex could be OK. But not all the time. That would be like trying to compete with a fantasy.
@Condor5 So, why are they ex's???
@Normanbites not all relationships end because someone did something wrong. Sometimes it just doesn't work.
@Normanbites does that matter?
@Condor5 Well, that's all just a matter of perception and (mis)interpretation, right?
@Blindbird There's always a reason. Many benign, I'm sure. But it would make a prospective ex curious, right?
@Normanbites I think the important thing is that we hold no grudges or ill feelings toward one another now.
@Condor5 Yep that would be a big waste of time ... though hard lessons learned should not be forgotten.
@Normanbites, or else they may be repeated.
It really depends on how much they do it, and what talking about an ex (or exes) does to their demeanor.
I pay close attention to such conversations. Much can be learned about a person by listening to them talking about an ex. If they do it incessantly, and with rancor, that's a pretty good sign for me to bail before things go any farther.
I guess it depends on the context. If she's obsessed with her ex — what a dirtbag he was when they were together or what he's up to now or how great he was in bed, said wistfully whenever we're intimate {grumble, grumble} — that's a red flag that something's up and she's not fully present in our relationship. But if she merely says things about him in passing, like "Oh, when X and I went to Paris, we visited the Louvre" or "X could be abusive sometimes, though I didn't recognize the pattern at the time," then I'm fine with it. I figure her past made her who she is, so I can't expect, and shouldn't want, her to ignore or hide her past relationships.
Never a good idea to bring it up early on, but it can be theraputic and helpful for mutual understanding later in the relationship. It is important to speak in terms of what the past relationship has taught. Involves understanding and Self discovery, learning from past mistakes and Moving Forward to a happier and healthier life. Never good to be stuck in the past.
When they're crying on your shoulder about their ex, they are revealing who they really are, warts and all, so grab that bottle of wine and LISTEN UP!
too many warts at once!
This is a huge red flag for me. I refuse to date someone who isn't over an ex.
If it's just a reference point then it's ok, but if it turns into an all night ex rememberance affair then it's pretty rude. If someone constantly mentions their ex on a date, they obviously aren't over them, or they are just really inconsiderate and aloof of the situation. Either way, we don't need to keep seeing each other. If her response to every issue I bring up is, "Oh my ex did that!", or "My ex used to do it this way!", or something similar, then it's a huge turn off.
My vote was 'I don't mind at all'. with the caveat - as long as it is not the blame game.
It isn't an ex; it is his deceased wife. I don't mind at all. Those 21 years are a part of who he is. It shows me he can commit long-term, love deeply, feel emotions, and trust me enough to share. I hope her and their pictures stay up to include her in his present life. He's not living in the past, He's living with the past. I'm one fucking lucky girl! ?
I think he's a pretty lucky dude, too....
@DharmaBum50 So am I, Kevin. So am I.
Pay attention, you might learn a lot! Think of what they are saying as if you were reading a real estate ad: example, "conveniently located" =next to a 24-hour liquor store. Etc.
Nobody just landed on planet Earth....your past is what makes you who you are today
90% chance they will treat you the exact way they treated their last lover. Pay attention!
It depends on how much they talk about them and HOW they talk about them. If there is a huge amount of unresolved anger, or disrespect then it is a red flag. I talk about my ex because I still see him fairly frequently, the kids like to do family birthdays and holidays. We're amicable. I am not angry with him, I am pretty indifferent, I think. We spent 25 years together and have kids and grandkids, we are linked whether we like it or not.
Hearing someone rant and rave about their ex gives me good insite on what bothers them. Sometimes it's good, sometimes bad. After that, definitely small doses. It gets annoying. And never compare your ex to whomever you are dating!! That's been my experience.
My wife never talks about her ex. He's dead and there's no love lose. We see my children's mother and it's ok ... I think. I see tension in my wife and work with her to help her feel like she's the queen of our castle. I try not to spend to much time talking to my children's mother. I mostly listen to her and her friends journeys. I keep it simple and I'm smart about not doing anything to cause an alert.
Yea, you seem to be doing a good job of tightrope walking.
I doubt you'll ever be able to completely avoid the mother of your children but you can keep the road smooth.
@Paul628. Your so right Paul.
I went with "Other". The reason is that it depends on the situation, and ALL of those answers have been true for me at some point or another. The way a person talks about their ex, or chooses not to, can reveal a great deal about their relationship skills, and whether they have healed and learned from a previous relationship and what caused them to fail or otherwise come to an end. It could also be educational to listen and learn to avoid mistakes made by their ex. An ending isn't necessarily indicative of failure and could be a sign of maturity.
Depends, I would not want to hear about his big manhood and how he used to pound her til the bed broke, but if we are talking within the subject of ex's, it's cool....sometimes people can't stop talking about them, that is a huge turn off.